Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend her husband is on a dating app?

83 replies

KarmaKhameleon · 03/02/2019 20:10

I'm devastated for her but need some perspective as I cannot decide what to do. I'm divorced, but only just getting into the idea of dating again, so recently joined a dating app on Friday night. One of the first matches was with a good friend's husband.

It was a photo he has used before eg on his LinkedIn profile, but he had altered his name. Given correct age.

What would you do? Would you confront him? Tell her? Do nothing? I have been round and round in circles. I'm trying to think of a reason why it could all be entirely innocent...could/would someone have used his picture to create their own profile without him knowing? I'm so new to all this that I don't have any sensible or plausible excuses for him! Is he just a cheating scumbag?

They have two children and have always appeared rock solid and happy. He is very successful and high flying media exec who travels a lot.

Over to you! Anyone been in any kind of similar situation please who can help?

OP posts:
bevelino · 03/02/2019 21:08

Given that the dating app is in the public domain, your friend needs to know. If you don’t tell her somebody else will.

WendyCope · 03/02/2019 21:10

Yes, what other details are the same? Good point minicooper

I'd definitely tell her in a matter of fact way as it could mean he's horrid or he's being used.

It seems a very stupid thing for what sounds an intelligent man to do Hmm

Lizzie48 · 03/02/2019 21:11

I definitely think you should take a screenshot and show it to your friend. If it's a case of someone stealing the pic (which is a possibility with the public profile he has) then he needs to know anyway.

CandleWithHair · 03/02/2019 21:13

As someone else using dating apps, it’s FAR more common that men will use either pics without their face in or fake pics if they’re having an affair. Trust me, been there! Hmm

If he IS cheating, he’s really shit at it.

Jaxhog · 03/02/2019 21:13

Go on the date - but arrange to meet somewhere public. Take a photo and get the hell out of there. If he won't meet, then it probably is him and he's realised you're onto him. Then, if it really is him, tell her in person.

But I'm hoping it's a catfish.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 03/02/2019 21:17

You don't need to pretend anything. You quite honestly don't know anything as you've said. All you do know is that you want her to know incase it turns out to be the worst scenario.

Take a screenshot, tell her with a neutral tone just saying I found this and I thought you should see it. What you do next is none of my business but I'm here if you need me ok.

Qcng · 03/02/2019 21:21

My first thought would def be lifted picture, rather than cheating husband.

Bluelonerose · 03/02/2019 21:26

Is he active on it? I only say that as I sometimes get emails saying "x has liked you on whatever" even though I haven't been on there for years.

Mmmhmmm · 03/02/2019 21:30

What others said, go with the stolen photo angle...which could actually be the case.

bananaramaspyjamas · 03/02/2019 21:36

Without wishing to sound cynical, there are A LOT of married people on dating apps. I think they are stupid and forget that some single people might know their wife. I've seen at least 3 husbands of people I know, although only one who is a good friend, who I did tell. That wasn't easy but I couldnt of kept it to myself and after a short odd period our friendship is back to normal (and she didnt LTB he said he was just looking and she bought that)

PattiStanger · 03/02/2019 21:39

If you watch Dave Gorman you'll know that people steal photos for online dating sites so could quite possibly be totally innocent as far as he's concerned.

MostlyBoastly · 03/02/2019 21:39

But it’s Tinder - where you aim to meet up! So why would someone use someone else’s picture? And more importantly, is he actually fit enough that that’s feisible?

kateandme · 03/02/2019 21:39

screen shot it now incase.whilst your deciding.because if hes seen you there he could delete it and then cover it up?

Sparklesocks · 03/02/2019 21:42

It’s horrible but you must tell her, ideally face to face. I would be devastated if my partner was in those apps, but even more so if I found out my friend knew and didn’t tell me.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/02/2019 21:46

I think you need to tell her OP. In person if she is a very good friend.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/02/2019 21:47

Is his photo worth stealing? I mean is he particularly good looking?

Leatherandsilk · 03/02/2019 21:47

You can’t “match” without you swiping on him and him choosing you (which would be idiotic)? What app is it?

Or have you just seen him on there?

Either way you have to tell her and don’t be surprised many married men use them
And don’t genuinely seem to think they will get caught Hmm

He’ll spin her the “catfish used my photos” bollocks (let’s face it they exist but are they going to use random plain man photos? Occums razor says that likely to be bollocks) and she’ll believe him. But you’ll have done the right thing.

Faroutbrussel · 03/02/2019 21:55

It could be a stolen photo but does tinder match you with people in your area? I think it would be less likely that it was stolen by someone in the same location. Also how close to his real name as his tinder name?

SpiritedLondon · 03/02/2019 22:07

Has the OP said it was Tinder? I thought it was just an un named dating app.

HomoHeinekenensis · 03/02/2019 22:08

What are the chances of it not being him though? Especially in his location? Go see his wife. Sit her down and tell her. I would want someone to do that for me before he starts with the bullshit and you end up the villain of the piece

BeekyChitch · 03/02/2019 22:28

Screenshot and send her it. Tell her you don't want involved but you would hope she would do the same if it were your husband. Don't say to her face she will want time to cry/think it over without someone being in her face. You never know, maybe they have an arrangement of some sort. I doubt it though.

CandleWithHair · 03/02/2019 22:33

@MostlyBoastly there are plenty of guys on tinder who have no desire to meet up. What they want is pics for their wank banks. They’ll use fake pics to get your attention etc.
Then you get those who are cheating, nearly always using faceless profile pictures.

It’s a godforsaken world, online dating, it really is!

Highonthehill · 03/02/2019 22:33

When my ex was cheating on me I found out after the fact that friends had known for a while. I was heartbroken to realise they clearly weren't friends if they couldn't tell me and I thought they were laughing at my stupidity... I lost alot of friends as I couldn't trust them.

Tell her, if it is a stolen image the husband can prove it

Comeonchameleon · 03/02/2019 22:43

His name doesn’t begin with N does it!

Gwenhwyfar · 03/02/2019 22:56

"How do you think your friend would feel about you if years down the line she finds out her husband is a cheating fucker and you knew and did nothing?"

If you read former threads on this subject you find that the messenger often gets shot. If the couple stay together the woman shuts out the friend who gave her the bad news, probably out of embarrassment.
If you're going to tell, it should be because you think it's the right thing to do, not for the sake of the friendship because you might well lose it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread