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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ABIU

69 replies

MiGi777 · 03/02/2019 20:03

My ex partner has convictions for hitting my little girl and I. The judge gave us a life long restraining order for my whole family etc... A few months afterwards I was told he had a new girlfriend who also had small children. I messaged her to tell her to be careful and watch out for her children as this guy is bad news and she could check out Claire's law to see details of his convictions. She was absolutely horrified, he hadn't told her. A few days later the police rang me and said if I messaged her a second time or told anyone else about his convictions they'd come and arrest me for harrassment. They said he was eating his dinner quietly when all hell broke loose. They told me its in the past (by a few months) and he's got as much right to rebuild his life as I have. They said it's not fair if everytime he gets a new relationship someone pipes up and spoils it for him. I was absolutely shocked! Obviously I listened and haven't discussed what happened to my daughter and I with anyone since but I'm just really shocked that I committed an arrest able offence by trying to warn another mum. He was abusive to his ex and if she had bothered to warn me it wouldn't have happened? Just a bit confused by that one.

OP posts:

ClearlyItsMe · 03/02/2019 20:10

I have no words.
I am horrified you have been given into trouble for this. As a mother, if another woman reached out and told me this, I would be forever grateful.
I get it he may be pissed off his behaviour is still having consequences but in my mind that is tough. Thats just so shocking the police are protecting him and possibly putting someone in danger.

whatsthepointthen · 03/02/2019 20:12

NOT going to be a popular opinion but I agree with them. you cant police his relationships and I dont like the way you blame his ex at the end “if she had bothered to tell you it wouldnt have happened” funny how the women always get the blame. Plenty of people stay in violent relationships Just pop over to the relationships board, its not his exes fault for “not bothering to warn you.”

finn1020 · 03/02/2019 20:13

Are you sure it was the police who called you and not someone impersonating them?

whiteroseredrose · 03/02/2019 20:15

Surely that's the point of the law. So that people know if their partner has a violent background.

Guineapiglet345 · 03/02/2019 20:15

Surely if the information is freely available under Claire’s Law then you haven’t done anything wrong, I suppose if you’d not given any detail but told her to check Claire’s Law then that would’ve been ok?

Maelstrop · 03/02/2019 20:17

If I were you, I would check that it really was the police that phoned you. Surely you’re saving them work by warning the new gf?!

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2019 20:18

First off yes how sure are you that it was the police it does sound odd (unless he made a complaint) but it doesnt sound quite right

AfterSchoolWorry · 03/02/2019 20:20

I don't believe it was the police. I'd phone them to check.

Lovestonap · 03/02/2019 20:21

The police phoned you and described how he was disturbed when quietly eating his dinner? I don't think it was the police that called you either? It doesn't sound quite right.

Myusernameismud · 03/02/2019 20:22

I'd think the police would have come to see you at home, rather than called for that type of thing. I'd call them to check. 101 should be able to help.

AndSheWas85 · 03/02/2019 20:23

Yes definitely check it was a genuine police call, the line " he was having his dinner and all hell kicked off" doesn't even sound language they would use. Stay safe x

BreastSideStory · 03/02/2019 20:26

The police wouldn’t call you over a message stating the truth.
I agree with PPs, I doubt it was the police

Nomdejeur · 03/02/2019 20:26

Surely police wouldn’t phone you? They would come round for a chat. Claire’s Law is there for a reason.

MitziK · 03/02/2019 20:27

Sounds dodgy as fuck. I'll bet it wasn't a police officer.

If there's a restraining order against him, does it cover his phoning you or getting other people to call you? I'd contact the police myself to check, as he could be getting himself into further trouble over it (or they can confirm they're shit, which I doubt).

In any case, at least she knows now and can make her decision with the knowledge he's like that (and if she's had a similar phone call, she can find out whether it's fake, as if it is, the odds are that the police will contact her to make sure she is aware).

FedUpMum40 · 03/02/2019 20:27

So the person saying they agree with the police phoning op and warning her off, if he killed his next gf toddler by striking them, who would you blame then? I hope that wasn't the police phoning you, you can easily check

FedUpMum40 · 03/02/2019 20:29

And police are not getting involved in disputes anymore via Facebook messenger ect they are telling you to just block that person.

whatsthepointthen · 03/02/2019 20:29

I would only blame the man he is the only one to blame. My ex was violent, theres no way im going to go around warning every new gf he gets. Its not for me to police any relationships he has in the future and there is no law that says he has to stay single forever.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/02/2019 20:30

It sounds like you are poking the hornets nest. If you are scared of this man I don't think you should be interfering in his life, its just encouraging repercussions.

Are you stalking him?

blackteasplease · 03/02/2019 20:31

I would bet not the police either. Get in touch with genuine local police on non emergency number. To find out whether it was them, to report the hoax if not and to.complain higher up if it was the police.

importantkath · 03/02/2019 20:31

I wouldn't involve myself any further. But if you have any queries, call the police and ask them yourself.

Userplusnumbers · 03/02/2019 20:33

You have a restraining order against him. You should be very careful about any actions which could be perceived as you inserting yourself into his life, such a contacting his partner.

You risk creating a situation where he could challenge the restraining order on the basis it's bo longer required as you are attempting to initiate contact.

Somethingsmellsnice · 03/02/2019 20:34

I suspect it was a friend of his he got to call to intimidate you.

Crunchymum · 03/02/2019 20:34

Another poster saying you need to check it was the police who called you.

Someone is fibbing here.

whatsthepointthen · 03/02/2019 20:36

Thats what I dont get, how does the op even know about his latest gf? if you are scared of him its not a good idea to get involved in his life. stay well out. I seen my ex on pof like I said he is violent and has severe mental health issue, it made me feel sick to see him up there but not my business so I left it and he isnt going to stay single forever, you cant expect that your ex will?

OhDearHowSadNeverMind · 03/02/2019 20:38

No way was that the Police calling you! As if they'd give a shit whether he was having his dinner or drinking tea with Hannibal Lecter! Wasn't them. You really should call them though and let them know that either he or his mates are impersonating the Police

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