ABIU

[MiGi777]

My ex partner has convictions for hitting my little girl and I. The judge gave us a life long restraining order for my whole family etc... A few months afterwards I was told he had a new girlfriend who also had small children. I messaged her to tell her to be careful and watch out for her children as this guy is bad news and she could check out Claire's law to see details of his convictions. She was absolutely horrified, he hadn't told her. A few days later the police rang me and said if I messaged her a second time or told anyone else about his convictions they'd come and arrest me for harrassment. They said he was eating his dinner quietly when all hell broke loose. They told me its in the past (by a few months) and he's got as much right to rebuild his life as I have. They said it's not fair if everytime he gets a new relationship someone pipes up and spoils it for him. I was absolutely shocked! Obviously I listened and haven't discussed what happened to my daughter and I with anyone since but I'm just really shocked that I committed an arrest able offence by trying to warn another mum. He was abusive to his ex and if she had bothered to warn me it wouldn't have happened? Just a bit confused by that one.

OP I absolutely believe you, a free years ago in a professional capacity a victim still in a relationship disclosed to me that her partner kept her locked in the house, she wasn't allowed out without him, was made to accompany him to appointments (that's how I got involved it had been spotted that while he was being seen by a colleague she was always waiting outside in all weathers and sometimes for up to two hours , colleague kept him busy and I went to talk to her). The police were notified so they could mark the address etc, instead they went round to their house sat them down together and said to him , now what's going on she has said that you do XYZ to her. I've never been so furious in my life.

Totally believe what OP said in that the police called her and informed her that she cannot discuss with anyone- without giving too much away, I know first hand.
Obviously I can’t discuss either.

Too many laws protecting the abusers if you ask me, and those picking up the pieces after them haven’t got a leg to stand on if we dare to confide in a friend about the scars they’ve left us with.

I also believe the police did this, they have very little regard for DV victims, they need a complete culture overhaul

You shouldn't be contacting new partners, that probably is harassment. But from what you've said that sounds like someone impersonating the police. I don't believe they would word things like that or mention that he was quietly eating his dinner, that's totally bizarre.

I would go down to the station to speak to them and just double check that someone called you. They will have it on record if they did.

Hi, there's absolutely no doubt that the police called me, I've written it further back. The point was I was so shocked that I could be arrested for informing someone else to protect their child, I had no idea that telling people what had happened could have me arrested and I thought it was really interesting and a real eye opener re how victims of DV are treated. I put it here just to see what everyone else thought about it and the facts I've written are obviously 100% accurate or else this discussion would be pointless as it would be based on untruths.

Put in a complaint and complain to your MP too just so they know you're serious.

I'm afraid I can absolutely believe that the police would do this. Sorry you had to go through this after everything you and your daughter had already been through! It isn't right.

There's no point in me complaining to the police. I broke the law I was totally in the wrong, they gave me a warning, I apologised, and I've learned from it and would never do it again. It just a huge eye opener I guess.

I don't think you broke the law OP. But the lesson you've learned from this is that sometimes the police wiil, for whatever reason, protect the wrong people and that if you were to try to set them right they might make life difficult for you.

An unfortunate lesson to learn but I think you're right to step back from this.

As ever, I'm always surprised at how many other posters go on the offensive when they're told something they'd rather not believe.

You haven't broken the law (yet), and I don't think it's a case of the police sticking up for the abuser, more of them warning you to make sure you don't do it again.

Because, like it or not, after a 2nd occasion if he makes a complaint it could lead to a harassment investigation against you. And if he's the dick that you know him to be, you know he will be angling for that to happen.

Please don't feel discouraged. You did a good thing, albeit in the wrong manner. Ringing police via 101 and requesting a Claire's Law disclosure for the new partner in future will achieve the same result (possibly better, as she may just write you off as vengeful whereas she would have to acknowledge that the police have no axe to grind) without risk to you, or her

so people are suggesting the op keeps tabs on her ex and his future relationships? even the police arent doing that clearly. the op needs to move on and concentrate on her own life.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that, certainly I'm not.

What I'm saying is if the OP (or anyone else) finds themselves in this situation in future, the correct way to alert the new partner is via the police.

I don't find it hard to believe that a policeman said this, but remember OP that the police are neither experts nor arbiters of the law. They have powers to act where they believe a crime has been committed.

I'm not going to start wild anti-police sentiment here, as they are generally correct and fair, but surely you've heard of things like illegal evictions where individual officers have wrongly advised it was a "civil dispute"?

If you have the means, or you know any legal experts personally, it might be worth running it past them.

Other posters going "on the offensive" as you put it is really interesting though. It just goes to show that in our society child protection and support for people who are victims of domestic violence needs improving even on a basic level. The people on the offensive shooting me down accusing me of stalking, policing his new relationships and meddling didn't read my post properly and didn't gather all of the facts. The people who did completely understand my point and what I was saying which was what I'd experienced was an eye opener re victims of DV and their treatment by authorities as opposed to the treatment of the abusers and goes a long way in explaining why victims are reluctant to come forward. I'm not going to kick up a fuss and complain to the police, neither am I interested in policing my exes new relationships, stalking or meddling. My post was nothing to do with him and I, it was about a situation, an experience I thought I'd share. Even this has been an eye opener but it's really great to see the differences of opinion and the levels of understanding.

Rather than text the new partner, I would speak with a child social worker to inform them of the situation and that a known violent man is with a new partner unaware of his past. They will assess whether the children are at risk and they will tell her

Someone I know ended up in a similar position to you OP.
Her son was killed by her boyfriend and he went to jail for it for 2yrs. It was a very well publicised case years ago. After he was released he was spotted on dating sites etc so she warned people as he was messaging people with kids etc.

One of her friends then found him working in a family restaurant under a new name, Again she warned people. This time it was picked up by the press etc. She then got a visit from the police saying if she told people about him anymore then SHE would go to prison for harrasment.

Utterly disgusting.

That's right. If you are a victim of DV and you speak about it or warn people who might be at risk you are breaking the law and after a police warning if you do it again you are arrested. It doesn't even matter if the abuser has actually killed someone, the fact is, victims have to keep quiet.

If you are a victim of DV and you speak about it or warn people who might be at risk you are breaking the law and after a police warning if you do it again you are arrested.

OP, respectfully, that is based on the possibly flawed actions of one officer, and without verification from legal experts, is a dangerous and unwise statement to make.

Joanmcc, I'm sorry if it offended you. This is just what happened to me and what I was told by the officer who gave me the warning. Its possible that what he told me is legally inaccurate but I have no legal training and have just been discussing something which happened to me. I'm presuming since he enforces the law that it's correct but I wouldn't know which is partly why I wondered what everyone else thought so posted here. It's just a discussion but unfortunately if you read some of the comments here you'll see that others in the same situation have experienced exactly the same thing.