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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABIU

69 replies

MiGi777 · 03/02/2019 20:03

My ex partner has convictions for hitting my little girl and I. The judge gave us a life long restraining order for my whole family etc... A few months afterwards I was told he had a new girlfriend who also had small children. I messaged her to tell her to be careful and watch out for her children as this guy is bad news and she could check out Claire's law to see details of his convictions. She was absolutely horrified, he hadn't told her. A few days later the police rang me and said if I messaged her a second time or told anyone else about his convictions they'd come and arrest me for harrassment. They said he was eating his dinner quietly when all hell broke loose. They told me its in the past (by a few months) and he's got as much right to rebuild his life as I have. They said it's not fair if everytime he gets a new relationship someone pipes up and spoils it for him. I was absolutely shocked! Obviously I listened and haven't discussed what happened to my daughter and I with anyone since but I'm just really shocked that I committed an arrest able offence by trying to warn another mum. He was abusive to his ex and if she had bothered to warn me it wouldn't have happened? Just a bit confused by that one.

OP posts:
FedUpMum40 · 03/02/2019 20:40

But there might be something in place to say he has to report if he gets into a relationship with a toddler, may not, I don't know, all I know is I would be grateful for the heads up if it saves my child

FedUpMum40 · 03/02/2019 20:41

First thing to do is ring and see if they have a log of them calling you

dragonsfire · 03/02/2019 20:49

I don’t think it was the police - but how did you know about the relationship?

Be very careful not being seen as meddling, although personally I think you did the right thing depending how you found out (if your checking up on him it’s not healthy)

Because you knew you could say something but maybe in the future just contact saying Claire’s law and nothing else then it’s the persons choice to look.

There’s no way the police would use that language “all hell broke loose” what a load of crap!

CatsOnCatnip · 03/02/2019 20:49

I agree with some of the other comments, I would say this is a strange thing for the police to do? They’re stretched enough to do their jobs properly as it is. I’d check that out. Bit weird. Also, what you did was brave and understandable. Of course you wouldn’t want something to happen to someone else’s children after what happened to you and your little girl! You’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t warn her. I’m not sure how likely it is for someone who has been capable of attacking a child to change after any length of time.

Original poster
MiGi777 · 03/02/2019 21:14

Hi,
He came up on my 19 year olds Facebook page as someone she might know and having seen the photos he posted of him with his new girlfriends little boy she came to me and asked me if we should warn her. I spoke to my mum and we all kind of agreed that after what happened we had some sort of duty I suppose to warn her-mums sticking together and all that. We have no contact at all obviously and if it hadn't been for my concerned daughter coming to me I'd have been none the wiser. I don't blame his ex for not warning me, she's a really nice woman and it's not about policing his relationships it was about protecting another child from going through what mine went though, but I think staying silent about abusive behaviour lets the abuse continue, even if you get out of the situation they will move on to their next target. It was absolutely a genuine phone call from the police-that's the part I was really baffled about. It was a genuine phone call and that's what he said. I was absolutely floored! By you guys responses you're obviously shocked too so I'm glad it's not me. It was just one of those moments where you think "what?!!!"

OP posts:
OhDearHowSadNeverMind · 03/02/2019 21:19

Do you mind telling us how you KNOW it was a genuine call?

Original poster
MiGi777 · 03/02/2019 21:22

Hi,
Yes, I had just moved house and my ex landlord rang me to say that the police had called at the house asking for me. I have never been involved with them and so I called them straight away to find out what was wrong. They said they'd find out and call me back which they did and that's what happened.

OP posts:
KaleidoscopeEyes · 03/02/2019 21:22

Did they give a name and a number of the officer calling you?

GunpowderGelatine · 03/02/2019 21:22

Oh OP Thanks that is absolutely disgusting but sadly very reflective of how police treat female DV victims. I always thought if I was ever a victim I'd never ever speak to police based on what I've heard and seen about how they generally blame women.

My twat of a BIL once got inti an argument with his ex in her house (they were split up and he was visiting their DD), he picked up their 3yo DD and said he was taking her away. His ex tried to get her back but he kick her in the crotch to get her away and ran out the door. She called the police, text him to say what she'd done and he ran back in the house because he'd left his drugs there (!!) and flushed them before they arrive. When the police came round they basically told his ex that BIL had every right to take their child, it's his daughter too, and she must have provoked him for him to kick her in the crotch Hmm she was told if she wasted their time again she'd be arrested. This basically opened the door for BIL to abuse her for the next 5 years (he is still abusing her, despite the fact they split when their DD was 1!)

FedUpMum40 · 03/02/2019 21:31

Op what makes you think it was a genuine call from police?

OhDearHowSadNeverMind · 03/02/2019 21:39

She’s answered that in response to my question FedUp 😊
Still seems bloody odd to me though - I mean as in it doesn’t sound like proper police

whatsthepointthen · 03/02/2019 21:43

If she called the police and they called her back im not sure how people can still be doubting that it was them??

dragonsfire · 03/02/2019 21:47

I think you should put a complaint against the police for the call - this is very unusual. Does he have friends or family who can pull strings?

How did he not go to jail for what happened to you and your DC? We’re strings pulled there to?

Alfiesmom74 · 03/02/2019 21:48

There’s no way in this world that was the police. They wouldn’t phone you they would visit if anything was wrong. I think it’s maybe your ex partner or one of his associates.

BrightStarrySky · 03/02/2019 21:51

OP this is disgusting. So wrong. You are not being unreasonable. I would have done exactly the same as you.

Original poster
MiGi777 · 03/02/2019 21:52

I would NEVER do it again. I was absolutely mortified to have been threatened with being arrested and having a dressing down like that. I told my daughter to block him and if anything does happen to this new woman's children then at least we can say that we did speak out. Our mindset was that we had to warn her. But legally it seems like we made the wrong decision. Like I said I would NEVER do it again but Im a firm believer in women/mums sticking together and having been a survivor of domestic abuse a couple of times in my life I find it really interesting the approach that the police took, especially nowadays. It dawned on me why women stay quiet and don't report it. It was just really shocking and I wondered what you guys thought that's all.

OP posts:
MrsGarethSouthgate · 03/02/2019 21:54

I don't think that what you did was wrong. However, to avoid accusations from your ex of harassment in the future, the best way to warn a future partner of an abuser is to call 101 and ask for a Claire's Law disclosure to be made to the new partner.

The police will then look at his history and if they think she/any children are at risk, they will contact her and give the disclosure themselves. Your name will not be mentioned.

Bluestitch · 03/02/2019 21:54

This doesn't surprise me sadly, after reading about the case that was at the Supreme Court last week where the woman was appealing her defamation conviction for telling her ex's new partner about his assault on her. I would be making a complaint to the police though.

Neverender · 03/02/2019 22:00

I'd make a police complaint too - how dare they threaten arrest because you've tried to warn someone else that their children could be in danger. I think you did the right thing.

FedUpMum40 · 03/02/2019 22:33

The nationals would have a field day with this, victim of dv warned by police not to inform next potential victim

Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/02/2019 22:50

But you have to ask what the outcome of you contacting the other woman would be. It might cause him to be violent to her or even be violent to you.

So maybe the police were warning you off in an attempt to keep the peace and stop anyone getting hurt?

Original poster
MiGi777 · 03/02/2019 23:02

You have a really good point. He could have and that would have been awful. I would never do it again. It's not my business. I stewed over it for days, spoke to my mum, my boss, everyone said warn her, I put it in the best way I could, but you're right, it could have exploded.

OP posts:
Mummylife2018 · 03/02/2019 23:22

Unless the Police came to see you IN PERSON and handed you a HIN and asked you to sign it, then they cannot attest you for Harassment

Mummylife2018 · 03/02/2019 23:47

FWIW/FYI You do not have to sign it - however it would still stand.

Anyway, it sounds like it could have been a neighbourhood officer/PCSO who called you and gave you some personal advice and perhaps it was misinterpreted. Could it have been that he/she said that "if you continue you could end up being arrested?"

Mummylife2018 · 03/02/2019 23:49
  • I don't think that what you did was wrong. However, to avoid accusations from your ex of harassment in the future, the best way to warn a future partner of an abuser is to call 101 and ask for a Claire's Law disclosure to be made to the new partner.

The police will then look at his history and if they think she/any children are at risk, they will contact her and give the disclosure themselves. Your name will not be mentioned.*

THIS!!!!

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