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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Drama!

71 replies

Brightburn · 02/02/2019 23:15

Hi I've NC for this as it's outing.

DH and I have fallen out with his family big time. This might be long, please bare with me.

So DH's parents are divorced. FIL remarried DH's best friend's mum (Anne). Married 10 years. Last year, he left her for OW.

This weekend is DH's birthday and DD (2) has gone to stay with FIL's ex wife because even though he has left her, our daughter loves her and she is still her granny.

This evening FIL has messaged DH saying how awful we are. That we didn't ask anybody else to have DD first. They are blood, Anne is not . We prioritise the wrong people, which isn't true. FIL saying how MIL (his ex wife) should have been offered first. MIL had DD last time we needed a sitter!

We have said it is no one else's business who is babysitting our daughter. She is OUR daughter and our priority. We're not cutting Anne out of our lives just because FIL has left her. DD lobes her and it wouldn't be fair to her for her to lose a Granny. It's not a case of blood. Surely they should just be happy that DD is loved by so many people.

FIL has upset DH so much. Surely we're not BU!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightburn · 02/02/2019 23:15

FIL has done this on a group chats with DH's brothers which means they've been dragged into this and has caused cracks there too.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 02/02/2019 23:16

Tell your FIL to fuck off !

StreetwiseHercules · 02/02/2019 23:16

Families can be such arseholes.

LovingLola · 02/02/2019 23:17

And do it on the group chat

TheQueef · 02/02/2019 23:18

Yep FiL needs telling to shut the fuck up.

Dilligaf81 · 02/02/2019 23:20

Your FIL is a dick. To be so heartless as to think because he has left his wife others should just cut her off. He is using the blood argument to try and give his argument credance.
You are right she is your daughter so your choice.

What was your DHs brothers input?

Why do it all on a group chat, that just adds extra grief doesn't it.

Dilligaf81 · 02/02/2019 23:20

So no YANBU

Original poster
Brightburn · 02/02/2019 23:21

Exactly, BIL adores FIL and hangs off every word he says.

OP posts:
MumW · 02/02/2019 23:22

If Anne has been in your lives for 10 years then you and DH have a relationship/friendship in your own rights completely seperate from FIL's relationship with her.

I think it's lovely that you feel you and your family can maintain this comtact.

FIL is the one who went off twice he doesn't get to take any moral/familiar high ground.

Your DC, your call as to who she has relationships with.

JasperKarat · 02/02/2019 23:24

So FIL moves from one relationship to another, expects everyone to accept and build a relationship with whoever his current partner is and then to drop them the minute he moves on to the next one?! YANBU, Anne has been in your family for a decade and DD has a relationship with her grandma, blood is irrelevant.

IamFrauBlucher · 02/02/2019 23:26

I would reply that while he, unfortunately, is able to throw away people with such ease before moving on to his next adventure, your DH, you and your DD can not.

YANBU.

Original poster
Brightburn · 02/02/2019 23:40

It's pointless even trying to argue with him, he has an answer for everything. I'm so fed up with not being able to go see who we want without getting hassle off everyone! NC is so so tempting!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2019 23:42

YA soooo NBU, your FIL is a selfish wanker. Whether it's coming from him or the OW, doesn't matter - if she's hurt, or he's hurt on her behalf, no one gives a flying fuck because that's THEIR problem.

As you say - your toddler knows Anne as her grandma, and would be happy to be babysat by her - no reason to cut her out just because the FIL has a loose dick.

Also, playing it out in public is SUCH a dick move. Angry And if your BIL is so much on his side, then he can fuck off too.

Sorry for your DH that his father is such a twat.

pallisers · 02/02/2019 23:43

He is a drama llama - and a prick.

Text back

"you can move on from your wife of 10 years easily. We understand that is part of your personality and don't blame you. Our daughter isn't like that. She still loves the woman you told her was her granny. Why not focus on some other drama and leave our toddler out of it."

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2019 23:44

I know of more than one family where a divorce has resulted in the blood family member being the "outcast", while the divorced non-blood member has remained in the bosom of the family, so he can shove that idea where the sun doesn't shine.

pallisers · 02/02/2019 23:44

and if he replies to you with some argument just say

"yeah, whatever"

Maelstrop · 02/02/2019 23:51

‘How is who we choose to look after our daughter anything to do with you?’ and wait for his answer.

Lizzie48 · 02/02/2019 23:55

I agree with PPs, your FIL is being ridiculous, and it's totally not his business. It's lovely that his ex still wants to continue being Granny to your DD. It can only be a positive thing for her.

Italiangreyhound · 03/02/2019 00:11

YANBU.

Your FIL is a dick, none of his business.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 03/02/2019 00:12

On the group chat say ‘FIL, DD has known Anne all her life and calls her Granny. We can’t just cut off contact. Anne isn’t replacing you and MIL, DD had so much fun when she stayed with you last month.’

Or, you can say ‘stop being a fucking chid about this. You don’t own your son or granddaughter and they can be friends with whomever they like’.

Bambamber · 03/02/2019 00:13

YANBU. It would be really unkind to both his ex wife and your daughter to cut contact just because they're no longer together. Why should your daughter lose a loving member of family just because your FIL is acting like a petulant child

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/02/2019 00:17

You need somebody to look after your DD. You have a dear friend who loves her and whom your DD also loves, who is very happy to help. It just so happens that your dear friend was married to your DD's grandfather for 10 years before he left her and, for that reason, your DD knows her as Grandma rather than as 'Auntie' Anne.

I notice that he doesn't offer himself to look after his own GD (not that you'd want him to anyway, I assume). It says a lot about his opinion of women. They're there for marrying/having a close relationship with until you get bored of them, dump them and move on to somebody else - and then they're good for looking after children, but only with the approval of a man.

Honeyroar · 03/02/2019 00:19

Everything you’ve said is right. I’d post what someone else said about not being able to just cut people off simply because he has, and if you get a snarky response tell him to grow up. Then leave the group and let them all get on bitching if they want to.

Hugglessnuggles · 03/02/2019 01:14

I agree with everyone else. It’s nice that you and Anne can continue the relationship so that your daughter benefits.

agnurse · 03/02/2019 01:47

YADNBU. Hubby still has a relationship with his aunt's former husband and considers him an uncle. AIL threw a fit over this. She's now Aunt Who We Don't See.

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