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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Drama!

71 replies

Brightburn · 02/02/2019 23:15

Hi I've NC for this as it's outing.

DH and I have fallen out with his family big time. This might be long, please bare with me.

So DH's parents are divorced. FIL remarried DH's best friend's mum (Anne). Married 10 years. Last year, he left her for OW.

This weekend is DH's birthday and DD (2) has gone to stay with FIL's ex wife because even though he has left her, our daughter loves her and she is still her granny.

This evening FIL has messaged DH saying how awful we are. That we didn't ask anybody else to have DD first. They are blood, Anne is not . We prioritise the wrong people, which isn't true. FIL saying how MIL (his ex wife) should have been offered first. MIL had DD last time we needed a sitter!

We have said it is no one else's business who is babysitting our daughter. She is OUR daughter and our priority. We're not cutting Anne out of our lives just because FIL has left her. DD lobes her and it wouldn't be fair to her for her to lose a Granny. It's not a case of blood. Surely they should just be happy that DD is loved by so many people.

FIL has upset DH so much. Surely we're not BU!

OP posts:
MyMuffinsStuck · 03/02/2019 06:42

I do not think YABU. You have a relationship with Anne regardless of FIL feelings and he doesn't sound like someone who takes the feelings of others in to account much.

Just out of interest, you say Anne was MILs best friend? I don't know the ins and outs but I would say your MIL sounds very decent to support the relationship you and your DD have with Anne.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/02/2019 06:46

If he has a response for everything, I’d be tempted to say

“You are being unreasonable! we refuse to feel bad because we did nothing wrong”

If he comes back with another comment
“You are being unreasonable “

Repeat

MyMuffinsStuck · 03/02/2019 06:48

Ok totally misread that... he remarried your DHs best friend's mum!

I read your DHs mum's best friend... It's too early for my brain!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/02/2019 06:50

FIL really is a selfish wanker, isn’t he? Clearly can’t see that others don’t discard relationships so easily.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/02/2019 06:55

I wouldn’t reply anything. Just leave the group chat. He sounds like an arsehole who can’t keep it in his pants.

Miane · 03/02/2019 06:58

He’s so in the wrong.

I wouldn’t entertain a discussion further than “who babysit our DD is our choice. It’s nothing to do with you”.

And I’d get on the phone to MIL sharpish to make sure that:

A) she’s ok and FIL hasn’t upset her
B) she kicks the other brothers into touch for you.

I’m not one for going NC really but FIL would certainly be hearing considerably less about our lives.

Does he have a habit of trying to impose his will on the family?

Fabaunt · 03/02/2019 07:06

I think it’s lovely Anne didn’t lose everyone when fil left her. Good on you!! I would say with all due respect my child’s babysitting arrangements are of no concern to you

Sunshinewithshowers123 · 03/02/2019 07:33

Leave the group chat and ignore

Auntiepatricia · 03/02/2019 07:36

Are you planning to keep this full grandma thing going for Anne forever?

BIgBagofJelly · 03/02/2019 07:39

YADNBU. FiL sounds like a massive dick. He leaves his wife for another woman and expects you all to cut her off too? What a nasty man!

diddl · 03/02/2019 07:39

So he would rather his ex have babysat than Anne?

How fucking nasty!

It's not his business.

Perhaps marginally better than suggesting his latest!

I'd be tempted also to step back.

abbsisspartacus · 03/02/2019 07:42

My step mum turned into an aunt when they divorced while I was pregnant she will never have a close relationship with the kids because she has alcohol issues but we don't cut her out

Starlight456 · 03/02/2019 07:42

I wonder if new Ow wants Anne our the picture. It will remind herhe is hers till he finds someone he wants more.

I would leave the group chat

Kahlua4me · 03/02/2019 08:20

Just keep repeating that he is being unreasonable or ignore him completely. Bit late in the day for him to worry about his first wife’s feelings.

Added to the fact that you are not replacing mil, just sharing around, and Anne has been in your family for 10 years plus being best friends mum so your dh has known her for a long time.

Fil is being ridiculous really...

Whocansay · 03/02/2019 08:23

Does MIL even care? Or is he offering her services because he wants to airbrush Anne out of the picture?

Either way, HE clearly doesn't want to babysit so it's got fuck all to do with him. What a dickhead.

I like IamFrauBlucher 's answer. Or just tell him to fuck off. He's so childish doing this on a group chat too!

SenoritaViva · 03/02/2019 08:37

NC is a good solution

Halo84 · 03/02/2019 08:42

Is this about FIL trying to erase the ex? Or was MIL upset and he’s interfering on her behalf?

In either case, it’s your decision and he should keep out of it. However if MIL is upset, the family dynamics change a bit, and you should speak to her.

Original poster
Brightburn · 03/02/2019 09:13

I do think MIL is upset. When we messaged her to ask if we could see her today after picking up DD she didn't respond. Then FIL messaged DH, donuts obvious she's told him and now he's trying to interfere.

OP posts:
Foslady · 03/02/2019 09:16

I’d be tempted to text ‘love is inclusive in this house not exclusive, are you seriously asking a two year old to stop loving someone who loves and cares about her?’

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 03/02/2019 09:20

He sounds like a selfish charmer doesn’t he? Not to judge (ok a bit) divorce, marry sons friend, left for OW - so what you are expected to pick up and drop any woman he decided is his current partner and drop her when he decides to leave her?

It’s not about him. He might think that it is, but it isn’t. He’s had his kids, made his choices etc.

Cranky17 · 03/02/2019 09:46

His being an arse because he’s dragging everyone into this, I’m assuming that mil is his ex wife? The one he left?
She’s really not his concern and sounds like he’s been whipping her up
In the back ground

Cranky17 · 03/02/2019 09:47

Just text back in the group chat, he’s bully, stand up to him

Sweetpea55 · 03/02/2019 09:55

How did fil know the DD was with Anne?

Original poster
Brightburn · 03/02/2019 11:01

DH told his mum who has told brothers who has told FIL. Apparently we should be asking blood first, they're her real grandparents Hmm

I feel so sorry for DH, he loves his family so much and he says how embarrassed he is of their behaviour. My parents never make a fuss over who babysits DD.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 03/02/2019 11:05

Agree with PP - leave the group chat. Life is too short for this kind of tedious drama.

Limit/cut contact with FIL.

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