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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family Drama!

71 replies

Brightburn · 02/02/2019 23:15

Hi I've NC for this as it's outing.

DH and I have fallen out with his family big time. This might be long, please bare with me.

So DH's parents are divorced. FIL remarried DH's best friend's mum (Anne). Married 10 years. Last year, he left her for OW.

This weekend is DH's birthday and DD (2) has gone to stay with FIL's ex wife because even though he has left her, our daughter loves her and she is still her granny.

This evening FIL has messaged DH saying how awful we are. That we didn't ask anybody else to have DD first. They are blood, Anne is not . We prioritise the wrong people, which isn't true. FIL saying how MIL (his ex wife) should have been offered first. MIL had DD last time we needed a sitter!

We have said it is no one else's business who is babysitting our daughter. She is OUR daughter and our priority. We're not cutting Anne out of our lives just because FIL has left her. DD lobes her and it wouldn't be fair to her for her to lose a Granny. It's not a case of blood. Surely they should just be happy that DD is loved by so many people.

FIL has upset DH so much. Surely we're not BU!

OP posts:

Halo84 · 04/02/2019 00:25

This isn’t about your FIL. It’s about your MIL. I would hazard a guess she is hurt, and rather than dealing with your husband directly, she’s used your FIL as a surrogate. Is she someone who avoids confrontation?

I think your husband needs to take his mother to lunch and have a talk with her, to explain the 2nd wife isn’t replacing her, that you don’t want to impose on her and of course your daughter loves spending time with her.

If I had to guess, your MIL is hurt.

Halo84 · 04/02/2019 00:26

Oops, should’ve proofread that.

Miane · 04/02/2019 08:13

When we messaged her to ask if we could see her today after picking up DD she didn't respond.

Talk about biting off your nose to spite your face!

You need to stop giving them unnecessary information. It’s none of anyone else’s business who you choose to look after your child.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/02/2019 08:39

Families 😖

I think I’d go with ‘FIL - you left MIL x years ago, it’s a bit late to start showing her any loyalty now. How peculiar. Any issues she has, MIL can speak to us, but let me be very clear, DD is not a toy to shared around and who we ask to babysit our daughter, is our decision*. End of’

SecretMillionaire · 04/02/2019 08:39

You need to hold firm your opinions and tell both MIL and FIL to mind their own business and not interfere. Your DD has a relationship of longevity with someone who until recently was her grandma. Just because your FIL left the relationship doesn’t mean that all others have to, that’s your choice.

It sounds as though your daughter has good relationships with her wider family and this can only be of benefit to her. FIL and MIL are being massively unreasonable to use emotional manipulation to control who you are in contact with.

Original poster

Brightburn · 04/02/2019 12:39

We've found out all sorts over the weekend safe to say FIL is well and truly in the wrong and will be lucky to see his GD again.

OP posts:

MillicentSnitch · 04/02/2019 12:43

I think the way you explained it in your first post is perfect. And if anyone objects to that, they're in the wrong.

punishmepunisher · 04/02/2019 12:44

Oh god, what happened?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 04/02/2019 12:47

Unless your dd is really a Baby born doll they can get stuffed. She ain't a bloody toy. Fil sounds a real twat.

Original poster

Brightburn · 04/02/2019 12:47

FIL was messaging his ex wife all night, giving her grief for having DD. The man is unbelievable!

OP posts:

Minxmumma · 04/02/2019 12:53

What an obnoxious person he is. It is your choice who has your child for 5 minutes or 5 hours! Cheeky toe rag.

Having been in similar circumstances. FIL and MIL kicked off over not being allowed to carry dd 18m around at our wedding when they were clearly plastered and MIL had already fallen over twice. It escalated from there to total mind bending stress and we have ended up going NC since August.

You don't need the stress or dramas. Leave the group chat, don't engage FIL unless he has something sensible to say.

IdleBetty · 04/02/2019 12:56

It has fuck all to do with him who is minding you child!!!!

Anne must feel awful, and maybe refuse to babysit in the future?

Either way, I would be telling FIL in no uncertain terms, DD is your child and she will see whoever you want her to. He has no right to interfere!

PregnantSea · 04/02/2019 12:56

OP - I presume that you or DH has already replied to this message by now and explained your position? (Not that you should have to...sigh)

If so I would just not bother replying to anymore messages on the subject now. If you're absolutely bombarded with them, then maybe after a while just say something like "we've already explained this to you. It's none of your business and we aren't prepared to discuss it any further". And then go back to ignoring them.

They need to understand that whilst they can voice an opinion on matters involving your DC, you have the right to not give a shit about their opinion and you don't require their approval for things. You're the parents, it isn't up for discussion.

Original poster

Brightburn · 05/02/2019 18:51

DH told them all to grow up and that he would not be dictated to before leaving the group. Not heard anything since. Poor DH is so sad about it all Didn't even get a card from his DF or grandparents. So childish.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 05/02/2019 20:30

Glad your dh has balls op....

RandomMess · 05/02/2019 20:36

Their loss!

ivykaty44 · 05/02/2019 20:44

Oh I’d reply

I would suggest that as you don’t want the children to have a relationship with your ex partners, it would be best that the children don’t get to know the new female in your life then no one gets upset when you leave & move on.
People we build relate with have feeling & we don’t jyst want to dump those friendships on your say so, it’s not the example we want to set to our children either. If this isn’t something you can come to terms with then let us know & we can try and work out how to move forward with any type of relationship from here

HumansCannotEverChangeSex · 06/02/2019 02:32

I wouldn’t leave my kids in the care of someone so petty. He’s fucked himself over. Instead of babysitting some of the time he wouldn’t be at all if it were me.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 06/02/2019 03:16

I would temporarily stop contact with your FIL and tell MIL you are prepared to do the same. Your dh needs to tell them that they do not get control over him, or your dd and who they have a relationship with. FIL chose your DH’s best friends Mum (practically an Aunt already) to marry and was with her for ten years- (your dd would have a relationship with her anyway as your dh was already close to her as she was his best friends Mum) and it is for this reason that your DD loves her like a Granny. If FIL had kept his pants up he would still be with her and dd would be seeing them together!

Hopefully your FIL will realise that he is cutting his nose off to spite his face when you have stopped contact for a while. Then you can give him the opportunity to come back into contact as long as he stops abusing his ex w and yourselves every time your dd visits Granny. Although he sounds like a narcissist and will likely mightily spit the dummy out when you call him out on his behaviour. Then the flying monkeys will descend- bil, mil, aunts, uncles, cousins- whoever he can convince to fight his corner! If that does happen then I would seriously consider going completely NC as your dd does not need a toxic narcissist in her life! The book ‘Toxic parents’ by Susan Forward will be eye opening for your dh- for yourself I suggest ‘Toxic inlaws’ also by Susan Forward. I would also google Grey Rock and use it in every interaction with flying monkeys and FIL.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2019 04:00

Love that a man who left a woman for some trollop gets on his high horse about propriety.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2019 04:01

...at length, and lecturing the woman he betrayed, no less.

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