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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just ran away

76 replies

ScurfnNerf · 02/02/2019 18:07

I’m autistic. My family went out to eat. I didn’t realise the restaurant was in a busy shopping centre, up high, overlooking everything. It was too noisy, bright, and everything was swaying. So I ran.
Unfamiliar town, and I’m back in the hotel. DH is in the restaurant with the children so they are ok.
I feel so awful. How could I just run and leave them all? I haven’t panicked like this in years, never since I had kids.
DH is not being understanding. He’s not been unkind, but just said ‘up to you’ when I texted to say I’m going back to the hotel.
I don’t know why I’m posting here. Probably just a release.

OP posts:

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2019 08:59

He probably had rather

lightlypoached · 03/02/2019 09:00

I'm not autistic but I hate shopping centres and the noise and crowds and would feel anxious in the same situation.

Don't feel bad about it but when things have calmed a bit have a talk about how you felt and work out s better plan for next time - eg researching /booking a suitable lunch/dinner place via trip advisor so you have a firm plan that you know you can cope with and enjoy.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 03/02/2019 09:00

OP, I mean this kindly to help you - there are lots of comments on here about how your DH is probably struggling too and especially if your kids are also neurodiverse. But remember that NTs are human too.. You are focusing totally on your own needs. Try to see it from his point of view if you are able to. Or if not, ask him gently to explain it. Listen to his needs. It isn't always about you and NTs should not always be the ones to compromise.

Kennehora · 03/02/2019 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2019 09:05

No he doesn’t need to apologise

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/02/2019 09:08

I think he was an arse. He knew that the OP lives with autism, he knows she avoids shopping centres. FFS in his shoes I think the best response would have been preventative - 'can you manage this love - what do you suggest we do?' and 'hey I know you don't want to disappoint the kids, so happy to take them by myself' after all, I'm their father and how many women regularly manage their DCs all by themselves. Under the circumstances, a text that showed even one tiny iota of actual love and care such as 'I hope you are OK love you' would have been more appropriate.

MrsBertBibby · 03/02/2019 09:12

He is probably totally broken by having to deal with your autism

Sally maybe you think you can't help being so vile, but perhaps you could find a specially trained life coach who could help you with some strategies.

If people with autism can learn to navigate the NT world, I'm sure you can learn how not to be a dick.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 03/02/2019 09:15

MrsBertBibby, read the Aspergers thread in Relationships and you will see what I mean. I'm trying to get the OP to look at it from her OH's point of view. He's human too.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/02/2019 09:16

Sally maybe you think you can't help being so vile, but perhaps you could find a specially trained life coach who could help you with some strategies

I'm so fucking stealing this line.

WeMarchOn · 03/02/2019 09:20

@Sallygoroundthemoon What a lovely response 🙄 we have to deal with this shit daily and sometimes it's fucking hard!! OP's husband knew what he was marrying into so he has to step up!! My DH is an NT and we also have 2 ND children, my DH does everything he can to accommodate our needs.
Next time think about what you're writing before you post!!!

grenadezombie · 03/02/2019 09:22

He is probably totally broken by having to deal with your autism.

If anyone is 'broken' by dealing with OP's autism it will be OP.

What an absolute idiot!

ittakes2 · 03/02/2019 09:31

I am autistic - infact a whole pile of people in my family are. There is a line of thinking that some autistic traits (such as sensory overload) can be because a person's infant reflexes have not gone dormant. Basically you are stuck in a moro reflex flight or fight mode so you are always on high alert and in situations with lots of people and activity its overwhelming so it gets too much. You might find it interesting reading this site(although I have never used this company and I am not recommending them). www.inpp.org.uk/intervention-adults-children/inpp-assessments/assessments-of-adults/
My son started the brushing technique with someone local to us 6 months ago - it basically helps to desensitise and then mature your nervous system - and he is such a calmer person and more able to deal with his sensory issues that the whole family has now started this technique. My mother is even considering doing it and she is in her 70s but also hates public places with lots of people.
In my son's first session - the practitioner turned off the lights and gently and slowly shone a torch in my son's eyes. Despite the light my son's pupils stayed large and it was explained this was the adrenaline running through his body to maintain the flight or fight response. In 6 months we have done the brushing for 5 mins a day. During that time we have had three further visits with the practitioner and each time he has shone the torch in my son's eye/s - each time his pupils were a little less large and now they contract normally. My son is also obviously less stressed. His eye contact has improved and he has started to banter with people. He also pointed at something the other day (as you know autistic children don't tend to point) which pleasantly surprised us all and had me dancing about the room with delight.

SaturdayNext · 03/02/2019 09:35

Guineapiglet, why on earth should OP apologise? It's not something she can help. Would you expect someone to apologise for having to leave due to a physical illness? There are some really crass responses on this thread.

pilates · 03/02/2019 09:37

Thanks for sharing ittakes2, good to hear you are seeing positive results 👍

Sallygoroundthemoon · 03/02/2019 09:41

Actually I thought very carefully before posting as I knew I'd get this reaction from people with ASD. I will admit that I'm influenced by my experience of being the NT partner of someone with autism. It was damaging for me and the micro rejections and self centred behaviour, yes they did almost break me. Specialist counselling was very helpful which is why I suggested it to the OP. Calling me a dick will not take away from the fact that maybe the DH in this scenario is struggling and needs support too. But I will leave it at that as I was trying to put the other side and did not come on here to be abused. Good luck OP. I hope you are ok.

anniehm · 03/02/2019 09:41

We find planning is the key- dd will come into shopping centres she knows but if it's new we look online first. She also has issues with busy restaurants so we choose quieter ones ideally without children - at 5 she complained to a waiter that the children weren't following the rules (it was a pub with a kids ball pond area) as they were getting down from the tables, the last time we went to a "kid" restaurant! We have had looks over the years in quiet little places with two kids but they have really good table manners (now adults )

Rubusfruticosus · 03/02/2019 09:44

I agree with YetAnotherSpartacus.

BlankTimes · 03/02/2019 09:48

ScurfnNerf please ignore the nasty comments on this thread.

You did what you had to do to manage the situation, you did well to get back to the hotel in a strange place and you are safe, the kids were safe with your DH, it was a good call.

As you've not been in a scenario like this for over a decade, he was just probably shocked and trying to cope with the kids and dashed off a quick text without really thinking of the impact his words would have on you when you were so vulnerable.

Try to have an easy day today, you'll likely be worn out

GrumpyOldMare · 03/02/2019 09:51

He is probably totally broken by having to deal with your autism

Are people really this vile?

Many of us on here ''deal'' with autism (my son in my case) daily. It doesn't ''break'' us,far from it I expect. I know I've learnt to be more patient and stronger thanks to my lad. So in my case ( and I expect many others) it's helped me enormously.

BarbarianMum · 03/02/2019 09:54

"OP's husband knew what he was marrying into so now he has to step up"

He almost certainly had no idea what life with an autistic partner would be like because he's not clairvoyant. And I expect he's been stepping up/compromising in one way or another every day.

Conversely, I doubt the OP knew what marriage to a nt bloke would be like because she's not clairvoyant either. And I expect she's been stepping up /conpromising every day too. Because these things tend to work both ways. Or at least they should.

RelaxDontDoooIt · 03/02/2019 09:58

For future reference, i don’t think it is remotely helpful to analyse the few words in a text. Your husband was sat dealing with kids so wasn’t going to spend time typing out a carefully worded message.

BIgBagofJelly · 03/02/2019 10:01

Some of these comments are nasty. I think I would just have a frank conversation with DH. Find out how he feels and tell him how it was for you. Obviously OP couldn't help panicking and leaving but that doesn't stop it being upsetting for DH too. The aim should be working as a team -let each other know how you can help each other in future in these kinds of situations.

Mousetolioness · 03/02/2019 11:05

OP - ideally, an 'x' after 'up to you' would have framed the response, wouldn't have taken more than a milli-second to add, and wouldn't have left you doubting whether you were or weren't 'U'. You weren't unreasonable.

Sallygoroundthemoon - it's a shame you didn't reference your experience/perspective at the start, especially if you knew you'd 'get this reaction from people with ASD'.

My reaction was to be left wondering whether they still burnt witches at the stake in your neck of the backwards back woods, and rather nastily, whether the 'r' was missing from 'moon'.

Regretfully, your said out of kindness words came across as ignorant, patronising and offensive.

Notwithstanding your personal experience, writing "He is probably totally broken by having to deal with your autism."...

Really? That's one 'giant leap', and not in the interests of mankind; nor even kind. Which is a shame.

Original poster

ScurfnNerf · 03/02/2019 13:02

@Sallygoroundthemoon I’m sorry you feel your life has been broken by living with someone with autism. But you can’t assume that’s the same for everyone. Not everyone with ASD is the same. We are just as individual as NTs.
BarbarianMum spot on. We both give and take. This was the first incident in over ten years. I knew my children were safe with DH.
He wasn’t able to give me the exact reassurance I needed last night, but that doesn’t mean he was unkind. I know we deal with things differently.
I appreciate the reassurance I’ve received on here. Thank you.

OP posts:

WeMarchOn · 03/02/2019 13:30

@BarbarianMum what I actually meant was in the dating stages he would have seen it but thanks for the pedantic comment

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