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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just ran away

76 replies

ScurfnNerf · 02/02/2019 18:07

I’m autistic. My family went out to eat. I didn’t realise the restaurant was in a busy shopping centre, up high, overlooking everything. It was too noisy, bright, and everything was swaying. So I ran.
Unfamiliar town, and I’m back in the hotel. DH is in the restaurant with the children so they are ok.
I feel so awful. How could I just run and leave them all? I haven’t panicked like this in years, never since I had kids.
DH is not being understanding. He’s not been unkind, but just said ‘up to you’ when I texted to say I’m going back to the hotel.
I don’t know why I’m posting here. Probably just a release.

OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 02/02/2019 18:42

Maybe the kids are upset and wondering why their mum has suddenly disappeared. Maybe he's trying to sort them out, find a table, order, etc. Maybe he is a bit annoyed and sent a text he shouldn't have.

SummerHouse · 02/02/2019 18:44

It's ok OP. You did what you needed to do. BrewFlowers
Even if your DP is a little frustrated that is a natural reaction from the chimp brain. The rational man you love will soon be reassuring you.

SarahCarer · 02/02/2019 18:47

It sounds like a stressful situation for everyone. Most of all for you op but also for your husband. He may be a bit huffy but he's probably stressed. Just as you couldn't be there for him, which is totally understandable. He may not be responding as his best most supportive self. Judge his response in the morning when you've both had time to get over it. You did something a bit unpredictable and I think it is scary for one parent when the other parent does that. It isn't anybody's fault.

User111222333 · 02/02/2019 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2019 19:07

My DS2 used to have horrible panic attacks (PTSD) and would have to abruptly leave situations. He would often text an apology and ask if we wanted him to come back. We'd often respond 'It's up to you'. It meant 'no pressure, we aren't going to say anything one way or the other, totally your decision'. Does your DH have form for being unsympathetic in the past?

I think right now you are hyper-sensitive (and that's OK!). It may be a good thing for you to have some quiet time to yourself to 'recenter'. I hope you feel better soon!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/02/2019 19:14

I hope you're feeling better, OP. Flowers

I think your DH is probably a bit stressed having to explain to your DCs that Mum had to suddenly leave and he's just sent a quick text.

You can talk about it properly when they get back and I'm sure he'll be more understanding. Perhaps it would be a good idea to come up with some strategies in case you ever feel this way again, e.g. a simple "coded message" you can say to him like "I've got a migraine" that tells him that you need to leave right away.

Iloveautumnleaves · 02/02/2019 20:16

It sounds like DS is doing much better now? Hope so 😊

The difference is that your DS (a child/young person) was asking if you wanted him to come back, knowing you’d tell him (as a child/young person) if he needed to or that it was ok to choose not to. As a parent you needed that authority and ‘up to you’ was after he asked the question. However, the OP isn’t a child and is able to look after herself, she was telling her DH she was going back to the hotel, there wasn’t a question there. A stand alone ‘up to you’ is just bloody huffy and uncaring when text like that.

I hope he apologises.

recklessruby · 02/02/2019 22:39

I understand that. The completely overwhelming sensory overload of noise, lights and crowds can make me panic and sort of shut down till all I can think is argh anywhere else but here.
Also I tend to take texts literally and might see your dh s up to you as not very supportive.
See what happens when he gets back. Texts can be misleading and he might not have had time with dc there to call or text more.
Sorry you felt like that. Try to relax now and hopefully they 'll be back soon.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2019 01:49

He is autumns. He's made massive progress. Thank you for asking.

He wasn't a child/young person. He was in his mid-20s, a working adult. Nor was it a question of 'parental authority' in any way, as he would do the same with his brother. It was more that he worried that he'd upset someone by leaving (like the OP).

I think part of OP's situation is that it was done by text. There can be a world of difference in an uncaring offhand 'up to you' and a very sincere I-don't-want-to-pressure-you 'up to you'. The tone of voice means everything in an emotionally fraught situation and in a text the receiver is free to interpret the words as he/she chooses. And I think the insertion of just one little word, "It's", would have made a difference, too. I think if her DH had texted "It's up to you" she might have 'heard' it differently.

I hope she and her DH have been able to talk and that things have calmed down for her and she's feeling better and more secure. I never knew how truly horrible major panic attacks were until DS2 started having them. I've rarely felt so helpless in my life.

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 02:22

Well there wasn't much else he could say was there?

SandyY2K · 03/02/2019 02:34

I hope he apologises

For what ?

His response was fine.

He was left with the kids and sent an appropriate response.

It must be exhausting for the partner of someone like the OP..... and branding him unsympathetic isn't helping.

Perhaps trying to seek help for the condition would be something to think about.

GoGoGadgetGin · 03/02/2019 08:03

How old are the children? And how much other 'stuff' did you have with you? I know it can be stressful enough juggling children and bags of things and getting them seates, fed and organised at the best of times! As pp what would you have wanted him to do? I dont think he has to apologize for anything- as far as he knew you were safe back at the hotel, he then had to concentrate on the task in hand of looking after the children, who may also be a bit unsettled by the situation. Hope you are all sorted and feeling better this morning.

pilates · 03/02/2019 08:10

Not sure what more he could have done tbh, he was looking after the children.

billybagpuss · 03/02/2019 08:14

Is he usually more expressive in texts. MyDH isn’t great writing on the iPhone but that text would have taken him about10 minutes on his old non smartphone. He’s always quite abrupt in them.

SuchAToDo · 03/02/2019 08:17

Op what did your dh say when he and the kids came back?

I imagine he wasn't being huffy with you or anything like that, he was probably shocked and stressed to find you were gone ...also it may have crossed his mind what would have happened to the kids if he hadn't been there and you had gone back to the hotel...maybe he was worried they would be left alone..

I'm sure once you explain how it made you feel and how you needed to get out of there he will be more understanding

Guineapiglet345 · 03/02/2019 08:28

It must be exhausting for the partner of someone like the OP..... and branding him unsympathetic isn't helping.

^ this, if anyone should be apologising it should be the OP, you left him with the kids in a busy restaurant when he thought he was going for a family meal and now you want him to look after your needs as well as the children, you sound like hard work.

LIZS · 03/02/2019 08:36

I'm not clear if you articulated your situation to dh before you took off. If you had asked to go somewhere quieter the evening might have worked differently. Running off in an unfamiliar area probably worried them all. Are you having help with your anxiety?

AnyOldPrion · 03/02/2019 08:37

Meh! The OP's DH is a human being too.

I still don't think it's necessarily huffy to be honest.

I’m with Worra. Brief text from DH is understandable. Whatever your needs, you left him in a difficult situation. I guess he knew you had these problems before he had children with you, but if you’ve been coping up to now, he probably fears that this might indicate a worsening of your situation.

It affects him too. Slack required both ways, but at present, he’s dealing with his children and they need his attention more than you as you are an adult.

GCAcademic · 03/02/2019 08:39

you sound like hard work

Yes, autism can do that to you. I’m sure the OP will stop having it now that you’ve pointed out the error of her ways.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 03/02/2019 08:46

I feel for your OH. He is probably totally broken by having to deal with your autism. I appreciate it is who you are but people with autism can be very focused on their own needs and forget how completely draining it can be for their partner. Maybe you could go to a specialist relationship counsellor who is trained in autistic/NT relationships so you can learn to work better together.

munchbunch12 · 03/02/2019 08:47

I feel a bit sorry for your DH, OP. At your own admission, you just ran off and abandoned him with your DC in a restaurant in a strange town. He might not have liked the restaurant either and may have wanted the opportunity to go somewhere else after discussing it with you, but you ran off and took that chance away from him.

Out of interest, if it had just been you and your DC there, and they really wanted to eat in the restauarant, what would you have done?

Original poster
ScurfnNerf · 03/02/2019 08:52

you sound like hard work once in ten years? That’s hard work?
You have no idea how hard many adults with autism work to manage day to day scenarios that can cause them awful anxiety and panic. Unfortunately yesterday was a situation that I couldn’t control. First time in over ten years.
I’m ok, thanks. My kids get it (both neurodiverse too). DH doesn’t really get it, he’s not very expressive generally, but when they got back, made sure I ate something.
I didn’t want an apology, just some reassurance. I need that by words, but he does it by acts. It’s ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScurfnNerf · 03/02/2019 08:55

DH wanted to eat there. If it had just been me and the kids, we wouldn’t have eaten there. We would have eaten back at the hotel, or somewhere else not in a shopping centre. We usually plan ahead and book somewhere we’re all ok with. Last night we didn’t as it was a last minute trip.

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 03/02/2019 08:57

Thanks for the update. Glad he demonstrated his reassurance, even if he didn’t articulate it in his text.

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2019 08:58

He’s probably got his attention on the dc which is fine

It’ll be ok, you did what you had to do which is understandable try not to fret