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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow a congrats on your baby card?

63 replies

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 02/02/2019 14:31

DS1 attends a SN school. Also has behavioural issues which necessitates him having a 1:1 support. This person, Mr S, has complained because DS asks him about his family. He has told DS “I am not your friend, I am your learning support, don’t discuss my family” when DS asked how Mrs S was keeping, as he was aware they were expecting a baby (he was being prepared for Mr S’s two week PL). However, DS came home from school excited to share the news the baby had been born and apparently Mr S suggested DS could make a card.

I said no. Mr S is confusing him by insisting his family is none of our business when it suits him. So we will not blur any lines by getting personal with a card. With DS he needs clear boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
OnoAnotherNC · 02/02/2019 14:32

Nope. I agree this man is confusing your son.

Fleetwoodsnack · 02/02/2019 14:33

YANBU but it seems sad that he's not allowed to ask.

Parthenope · 02/02/2019 14:34

How old is DS, and are you sure you are getting an accurate picture of this set of interactions? Who did Mr S 'complain' to?

MountIronSolo01 · 02/02/2019 14:34

I understand you want clear boundaries but I don’t think it would hurt to send a card.

alltoomuchrightnow · 02/02/2019 14:36

How sad that he can't ask about the family!

Original poster
JustOneShadeOfGrey · 02/02/2019 14:37

He complained to me. I get almost daily calls about petty things. DS is 15. He’s not a bad lad, his behaviour is due to trauma at an early age. He was brought up learning to ask people how they are, etc because his ASD means he is lacking in empathy. He may not listen to the response but he’s been taught to enquire about people.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 02/02/2019 14:37

I agree. He can’t have his cake and eat it.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/02/2019 14:39

YANBU,

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/02/2019 14:44

YANBU. if Mr S wants to set boundaries that's up to him (although FGS what does it take to answer a young person who is practising his social skills kindly?). But those boundaries have to be consistent or it gets confusing. If he makes a card is he going to get told off for asking if Mrs S liked the card, for example?

BrexitBingoGenerator · 02/02/2019 14:46

What a shame, your poor son. Do you know if this is Mr S’s first Child? Perhaps he has only just begun to understand what it is like to have a child and is now attempting to relate to your son in a whole new way, as someone’s son rather than as a pupil to work with?

MonsterKidz · 02/02/2019 14:50

How ridiculous! I think Me S is lacking empathy.

When he next calls to tell you something petty, is acknowledge that and then say, “oh and just so you know DS has asked to send a card for your newborn, but I’m concerned it will offend your strict no personal details code so you we won’t this time.”

You’d think someone working with young people would have more affection and personality. I get there are boundaries. Totally. But who could work directly with someone for 6+! Hours daily and not have some general chit chat at some point.

DorothyZbornak · 02/02/2019 14:53

YANBU. Mr S can't have it both ways. He's being very unfair on your poor DS :(

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/02/2019 14:55

Mr S sounds unsuited to working with young people.

Original poster
JustOneShadeOfGrey · 02/02/2019 14:56

Thank you - DH thinks I am BU!

It’s his third child. There’s more personality in a footstool than MrS, sadly.

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 02/02/2019 14:58

Just a thought OP, could it be that your DS is using his social interaction skills and questioning Mr S about his family as a diversional tactic to avoid his Maths/English or whatever and that was the context of Mr S's comment?

Ellie56 · 02/02/2019 14:59

What a load of bollocks. My son has had various 1:1 support staff over the years and they have all told him personal stuff. Indeed it was because the support staff told him about their cats, he decided we should have one too!

Hugglessnuggles · 02/02/2019 15:02

What questions about his family is he asking? Is he asking very personal questions and thats why he is uncomfortable answering them? I used my to support some teenagers who would ask questions ‘are you married?’ ‘Do you have s boyfriend?’ ‘Do you have children?’
‘Why have you got children if you aren’t married?’ So they started getting a bit more personal. Then there were two who would ask questions like ‘are you in love?’ ‘Do you have sex?’ ‘How many times hav ehou had sex?’ Etc. So way way way over the mark.

So it could be that your son or other students have asked questions like that which obviously makes a person
Uncomfortable. So they end up doing a blanket ban on answering these questions.

Just a different perspective that’s all.

Schmoobarb · 02/02/2019 15:03

YANBU, Mr S sounds a bit of an arse

DarlingNikita · 02/02/2019 15:04

I second Wingedharpy; if you have an incomplete picture of the context in which your DS is asking these things, I can sort of see Mr S's point.

All other things being equal, though, I think Mr S sounds inconsistent and not very kind. I'd be tempted to ask for a conversation with him about this.

Parthenope · 02/02/2019 15:04

could it be that your DS is using his social interaction skills and questioning Mr S about his family as a diversional tactic to avoid his Maths/English or whatever and that was the context of Mr S's comment?

What questions about his family is he asking? Is he asking very personal questions and thats why he is uncomfortable answering them? I used my to support some teenagers who would ask questions ‘are you married?’ ‘Do you have s boyfriend?’ ‘Do you have children?’
‘Why have you got children if you aren’t married?’ So they started getting a bit more personal. Then there were two who would ask questions like ‘are you in love?’ ‘Do you have sex?’ ‘How many times hav ehou had sex?’ Etc. So way way way over the mark.

Those had both occurred to me as possible contexts, too, especially if the OP's DS's additional needs mean that he doesn't have the usual boundaries.

coppercolouredtop · 02/02/2019 15:05

Yanbu.

Tell mr S your ds is not his friend he is his learning support - as he has pointed out to him.

He sounds quite grumpy.

Caticorn · 02/02/2019 15:05

Wow, what a horrible man!
I'm a teacher, and kids ask all sorts! I'm happy to tell them about my kids, where I live and so on. If they cross the line I may explain to them that their question is a bit personal, but very gently... they are still developing their social skills in their teenage years.

Sleepyblueocean · 02/02/2019 15:06

Is it possible that your ds was asking too many questions or ones that had got very personal?

seven201 · 02/02/2019 15:17

It sounds like your ds was getting a bit too inquisitive and the LS and maybe just destracted from school work. I doubt he was just being mean. I think it would be nice to send a card.

viques · 02/02/2019 15:18

I can see where Mr S is coming from, if he is working with kids who have problems with understanding socially acceptable barriers and. questions then it is easier to say "no personal questions" than to try to explain where the boundaries actually lie, eg it's not ok to ask me that question, but it is ok to ask me this question.

However I think that since he has suggested making the card if the OPs DS wants to make one it would be a nice thing to do, but explain to the lad that this is to celebrate a special occasion and that Mr S still doesn't have to answer his questions.