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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow a congrats on your baby card?

63 replies

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 02/02/2019 14:31

DS1 attends a SN school. Also has behavioural issues which necessitates him having a 1:1 support. This person, Mr S, has complained because DS asks him about his family. He has told DS “I am not your friend, I am your learning support, don’t discuss my family” when DS asked how Mrs S was keeping, as he was aware they were expecting a baby (he was being prepared for Mr S’s two week PL). However, DS came home from school excited to share the news the baby had been born and apparently Mr S suggested DS could make a card.

I said no. Mr S is confusing him by insisting his family is none of our business when it suits him. So we will not blur any lines by getting personal with a card. With DS he needs clear boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Samcro · 02/02/2019 15:23

yanbu and mr s sounds awful.

Smallhorse · 02/02/2019 15:26

If your son wants to make him a card, let him do so.

If he doesn’t , that is ok too.

Raaaaaah · 02/02/2019 15:31

I think that you should let DS send the card. He needs to learn to make the distinction between appropriate and inappropriate enquiries. That’s a tricky think to teach but a card is entirely appropriate.

LynetteScavo · 02/02/2019 15:31

I wouldn't go out of my way to help DS make a card...Mr S can't have it both ways. If your DS does make a card himself I don't think I'd stop him handing it over though.

Mr S does sound like an arse. If he doesn't want to discuss his family he just needs to swiftly change the conversation or tell a white lie.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 02/02/2019 15:35

MrS sounds like a dick.

littlecloudling · 02/02/2019 15:37

Jeez the 1:1 is rude. Stalking and obsession would be wrong but surely encouraging a young adult to ask questions, converse and be interested in another is good practice.

Soubriquet · 02/02/2019 15:41

DONT TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY!

“Why don’t you write my wife a card saying congratulations?”

What a way to confuse anyone let alone someone with SN.

Yanbu

Dahlietta · 02/02/2019 15:46

I'm a teacher, and kids ask all sorts! I'm happy to tell them about my kids, where I live and so on

I'm the same, but I do sympathise also with my colleagues who are more inclined towards the "my private life is my own" line of thought. HOWEVER Mr S can't have it both ways.

Villanelley · 02/02/2019 15:48

Mr S needs to rethink his chosen career.

YANBU.

Lichtie · 02/02/2019 15:50

What does your DS want to do?
Being honest Mr S will not care if he gets a card or not. Its not like he's going to come back from PL expecting it.

flumpybear · 02/02/2019 15:56

It sounds all a bit silly what Mr S is expecting, your poor son is caught in the middle, I'd be inclined to discuss with him or a superior about his mixed attitude and also his stern ways and how this is helpful to your son ... sounds way too harsh and surely teaches the wrong attitude to your son

Creacaluaidhe · 02/02/2019 15:58

Such a simplistic tunnelled answer to say mr s is a dick.
I agree with what viques said. He has autism. He’s probably asking daft, inappropriate questions. Mr s is trying to keep him on task and teach him what’s appropriate and not appropriate to ask.
Making a card for a new baby is appropriate.
Your son may or may not be able to know what his boundaries should be. I’m hoping mine with sn will learn eventually. Until then I hope for the understanding of teachers and the endless patience of those who work for him.
It’s a pity your mr s doesn’t have more of that patience but unless we hear what it is your son is constantly asking we can’t judge.

SingaporeSlinky · 02/02/2019 16:02

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, your DS might not be relaying the exact words, or context of the conversation. Could it be that your Ds wasn’t getting on with his work, and kept asking personal questions? So to put an end to it and make him focus, teacher asked him to stop asking personal questions. He might not have meant ever again, just now, because he wasn’t focussing.

Mmmhmmm · 02/02/2019 16:03

YANBU, he can't have it both ways.

bastardkitty · 02/02/2019 16:04

Mr S has difficulties with boundaries. This may be a good learning experience for your son in a round about way.

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 16:18

Perhaps it was that your son was insistent and he suggested a card rather than just constantly having to tell him to stop.

If I felt DD was overstepping boundaries with SFLA, I would be reinforcing it (our issue is more the reverse problem!) but I actually don’t think a card is over stepping. DDs class often are asked to make cards for staff on similar occasions.

HoraceCope · 02/02/2019 16:20

Where did you hear about the request not to be intrusive?
I think he should be allowed to make a card

missyB1 · 02/02/2019 16:23

Email Mr S and explain that he set the boundary, and now you are going to support it by discouraging your ds from sending a card.

diddl · 02/02/2019 16:23

"Perhaps it was that your son was insistent and he suggested a card rather than just constantly having to tell him to stop."

It could be that.

I mean there are people I know well enough to send a baby card to, but not well enough to ask personal questions of.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/02/2019 16:29

This bloke seems very rude to your son, to be honest. Would A simple "Oh she's fine thank you" hurt him.
I agree no congratulations card.
He can't have it both ways.

SadOtter · 02/02/2019 16:40

This does sound a bit odd.

I'm a 1:1 and I can see a situation where you maybe don't want to be chatting about family, or questions being inappropriate/a bit too personal, and I do occasionally have to remind children that I'm their TA or that its lesson time and we need to get on not chat, because otherwise we'd never get anything done but I usually do this in a 'maths first, chat later' sort of way, and if a question is inappropriate I would explain that, because part of my job is to try and help the kids fit in socially, and how will they ever know there are some things you shouldn't say if no one explains? If Mr S is giving him such a blunt line he needs to stick to it, not confuse your DS.

Original poster

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 02/02/2019 18:27

No, DS wasn’t asking personal questions. He would ask “what movies do your children watch” or “do you have pets?” But it would never occur to him to ask anything too personal. Trust me, Mr S would have told me! Maybe he’s just a very private person. DS is not curious about personal matters, he doesn’t initiate discussions about puberty etc at home and he’s squeamish during health and sex education!

He enjoys his school work but sometimes has to be isolated for constant interrupting with questions about a previous lesson or shouts out answers before putting up his hand.

I’m not criticising Mr S (ok, not much anyway!) because I know he has quite a job helping DS regulate his emotions, but I thought it odd not to say “my wife is keeping well, thanks for asking” then move on to the classwork. I’m struggling to understand the etiquette now in asking after his wife and baby after the birth! I know I can ask but not sure what to say if DS does it.

But I do think I’m happy with my decision now not to extend a card from DS in congratulations - thanks everyone

OP posts:

cunningartificer · 02/02/2019 18:41

Just a thought, but could it be that things were not great for MrsS when your son asked about her—hence the surly reply. It could have been difficult to explain, and easier to shut off questions. I know I’ve felt like that about innocuous questions from children in the past... Now the baby is safely here perhaps the card suggestion was an olive branch? I’d be tempted to go with it if mrS really suggested it.

SadOtter · 03/02/2019 21:22

He would ask “what movies do your children watch” or “do you have pets?” I can't see a problem with questions like that, actually I'd call it fairly normal and building up a positive relationship. Stories about my pets, films I've watched with my kids and what computer games they play are regular conversation starters when I am trying to distract my 1:1, same as I might ask them what they did at the weekend or how their pet is doing, or about a siblings hobby or whatever. It models normal interaction and shows them I care coz I've remembered things, plus its just being nice.

Bestseller · 03/02/2019 21:25

Are you sure Mr S wasn't just trying to keep him on task when he said discussing family was inappropriate. I. E. now's not the time?

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