To not allow a congrats on your baby card?

[JustOneShadeOfGrey]

DS1 attends a SN school. Also has behavioural issues which necessitates him having a 1:1 support. This person, Mr S, has complained because DS asks him about his family. He has told DS “I am not your friend, I am your learning support, don’t discuss my family” when DS asked how Mrs S was keeping, as he was aware they were expecting a baby (he was being prepared for Mr S’s two week PL). However, DS came home from school excited to share the news the baby had been born and apparently Mr S suggested DS could make a card.

I said no. Mr S is confusing him by insisting his family is none of our business when it suits him. So we will not blur any lines by getting personal with a card. With DS he needs clear boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable?

But if he’s asking those questions in class the TA would need to shut them down as that’s not what they’re supposed to be doing.

No, he made it very clear DS would NEVER be allowed to get personal. I have daily contact and volunteer at school. Mr S is not a teaching assistant, he is employed solely to support DS in regulating his emotions. The learning support assistant in class and teacher report that, when he’s not distracted, he is a pleasure to teach and is keen to learn.

I have my answer now.

I can understand the not wanting to discuss family with your ds tbh. Some dc its all questions etc etc

However as ds knows about the baby, I’d let him send a card

Mr S is a bit of a dick.

Pinkheart I don’t think being civil and answering a simple “how is Mrs S?” is discussing family. I volunteer in SN clubs and would never be so rude to anyone who asked such a question. A simple “very well, thank you” wouldn’t hurt.

DS doesn’t show empathy often but he was brought up to be polite and his question would be automatic rather than nosy.

He just wants to be friends with anyone who appears to care about him - he can’t distinguish between unconditional love and a person paid to take an interest.

If you met him you’d love him. It’s hard not to.

Aww, I'm a 1:1 and my lad always asks about my children. Usually random stuff, like whether there are hand-driers in the toilets at their schools I think it's lovely, and always answer the best I can. We have a strong and established rapport though.
I am not blaming your son at all, but are you sure there's nothing more to this? Does your son have form for asking inappropriate questions about Mr S's family, or taking too much of an interest? Perhaps he has been using it as a distraction from work.
I'm mindful of the fact that we have only one side of the story here. The way Mr S shut your son down, when he mentioned his family, suggests that he's had to do it repeatedly.

He should make Mr S a piss off card.

Your son's 1:1 teacher sounds awful, how can you work so closely with someone without having some sort of a friendly relationship with him?

I agree that you shouldn't send the card in this instance and I think that you need to have a chat with the TA to talk about how he cannot encourage it on one hand by saying your son can send a card then say things likes 'I am your teacher, not your friend' on the other hand, it would be very confusing to your son.

I am a HLTA and have in the past been a LSA. Mr S is the one with the problem. I have always been open about the fact I have four children and sometimes talk about them briefly. Lots of staff at our school do. I think it is good for the kids to know you have a family. A teacher a couple of years ago used to say how her three used to argue. It made her family seem normal.
I showed them a photo of my daughter getting her degree and said you could do this too. One of the kids I worked 1:1 with did get a degree and told me much later that it was my encouragement and belief in him that made him go on and try. He had learning difficulties and gained a degree in drama. I felt so proud of him. He has promised me a ticket if he gets into one of the musicals in London. That’s were he is now. I teach his niece😁

Put your feelings aside and let your son make a card if he wants to but have a word with Mr S and let him know he is confusing him. Don’t change your sons lovely nature others will appreciate his enquires.

How can you be so sure that your take on what DS is asking is accurate?

And 'Mr S is a dick' is beyond reductive and simply pronounces rank stupidity from anyone dumb enough to see the dynamics here as so one dimensional and then assert that.

Yanbu. Can't even ask a basic question? It's hardly prying. You don't have to be friends to ask generic questions. Miserable twat.

I’ve really no idea what you’re on about Sophia.

My question was simple — AIBU about not allowing a personal card to be sent to someone who does not think it appropriate to share anything about his personal life?

The account is accurate. That is not up for debate. The question was more about boundaries and confusing a SN child. Just because DS has SN does not mean he does not tell the truth. He does. He has an unusually accurate memory and would repeat a conversation verbatim.

There is only one dimension here, you are right about that.

In your position I would ask for a meeting between yourself, Mr S and for example, the head of year.

I would clarify exactly what the problem is, and explain that you have noticed inconsistency and that this is difficult when you're trying to work with the school but the calls from 'school' (Mr S) appear to contradict what DS came home saying, and that with his need to learn empathy, he's meant to learn correct questions to ask other people. I'd be confused as hell.