How long can you put of visitors

[justmakemeacuppa]

New baby born in family, how long would you leave visiting to close family before thinking they are just being odd? I couldn’t wait to show off my kids. I understand about they need time but they are known to use every opportunity to gain attention. Not desperate to see baby but find it odd? It’s been a week?

I think part of the problem is that a lot of visitors (not all but a lot) still expect to be entertained, to be able to play pass the baby while the new mum 'hosts'. Fuck that.

Now if you want to come round, hold the baby while I have a shower, and then make me a cup of tea, that's different....

“they are known for using every opportunity to gain attention.”
“find it odd to not want to show baby off.”

You can’t see how these two statements are completely contradictory?

Could this couple actually do the right thing, in your opinion, or would everything be wrong in your eyes?

BrusselPout exactly

There's a world of difference between a visitor expecting to be hosted and overstepping/being unaware of new parents needs vs. actually visiting for a short time to see baby & helping out.

For example you see a lot of posts on here from women whose relatives expect a cooked meal & the newly nursing mum to leave the room to BF during a visit, which lasts hours. There's no change between hosting pre baby and now, but a massive change has only just occurred. Wtf? Shouldn't the guest be a bit more self aware? They are often the type bemoaning not having an invitation to visit, not the quiet helpful ones that make the visit more about the family's immediate postnatal needs ..

It wasn’t that long ago mother’s who had just given birth stayed in hospital for a week or more. Visitors could only visit during visiting hours which were for shorter periods. In some hospitals the babies were in the nursery over night. During the day they were only brought to the mothers at feeding times. The mothers were able to rest and have a good nights sleep. The visitors didn’t get to hold the baby at all.

These days mothers barely have time to give birth and they are home again. When they get home visitors are knocking on the door and expect to be entertained all day. Some visitors expect to sit holding the newborn while the mother waits on them.

Whether new mothers call it bonding or recovering from giving birth, they should be allowed to rest and spend time with their baby without a continuous flow of visitors.

Charron exactly. Many visitors are demanding

Oh god... I’m 11 days PP and as much as I would have loved visitors all the time, we quickly realised after 3 days that visitors were exhausting whilst we tried to settle into some sort of pathetic routine with sleep and breastfeeding. I actually apologised to visitors and asked them to put their visit back for a week because I was so wrung out. We’re just starting to feel normal and have just started to feel ready for visitors. I had a traumatic induction resulting in a CS so we’ve had my recovery to deal with too.

Some visitors promise the earth - like my mum who says she’ll look after the baby but then sits there like lady muck needing to be waited on. Some visitors say they’re only dropping off a gift and then don’t leave for ages, despite your hints getting stronger and stronger (to be fair, they’re being kind and we don’t mind too much that they stay)

Sometimes it’s not just about being precious or “our little family”

When DC1 was born we had visitors very quickly, and I really wish we didn’t. I was in pain, tits leaking everywhere, and I was just too knackered to argue and say no.
After DC2, the only visitors we had were my parents - purely because my mum was in the house when baby was born and my dad came to bring me food and pick mum up later that evening. We were in our happy little family bubble until 4 days later, when DH’s grandmother thought it appropriate to descend on us with a group of her friends that we’d never met before I was beyond upset. I spent the whole visit crying with my baby in my bedroom.
We are expecting DC3, and I definitely won’t be welcoming any visitors for at least a week or so

I didn't see anyone for three weeks. Because I didn't feel like it. Because I was adjusting to parenthood, an infected cs scar, and the fact that despite my best efforts to BF, my milk never came in at all, and I was getting conflicting advice from HV, La Leche League, my GP, midwife and a private lactation consultant.

Nothing wildly controversial about that, surely?

Parthenope how selfish of you! Some posters on here would have been fine with hordes of relatives descending on them for hours at a time in that situation. Why did you think it was ok to make it all about you? I'm sure you could have just handed baby over and separated yourself for a while to deal with post-op infection issues.. because their wanting to see and hold baby trumps all... Right? .. right?

(End sarcasm)

My side of the family had no desire to show any baby off, rightly or wrongly thinking most people have children and one baby looks very like another and are usually asleep or feeding or crying when you do visit. No one bothered particularly and weren't worried if they didn't meet the child to the six-month christening and even then. Help of course was offered and accepted if the birth had been hard or the baby was difficult One of my DC loved the hand-knitted cot blanket and the other a rather large toy dog, but mostly it was books or tokens for later.

May be it's just my family through several generations, but it saved an awful lot of angst, but wouldn't have provided many threads on Mumsnet!

I don't understand why relatives even want to stay for hours when someone's just given birth. Must be really boring when it's not your child.

Believe me I wouldn’t be staying hours.

However long you need. That's what is reasonable. Personally I needed to weeks the last time (PPH, visitors really wore me out). And yeah, I said NEED.

People are so selfish. Why should this woman be putting your needs before the needs of herself and her baby? If ever there was a time to put your own the needs first, surely it's when you are post partum?

Well she is not you, and how you felt is nothing to do with it. Are you MIL? If so you are heading for a difficult relationship by the tone of your post. A week is absolutely no time and many new Mums need a lot longer than this. When you do get invited, take round something for their tea and stay for half an hour. These posts make me sad. Some of my grandchildren I met when hours old, others up to 2 weeks old. Neither is normal or abnormal. If you have phoned Dad or Mum to congratulate them, just say looking forward to meeting baby when you are ready. DONT TEXT there lies misunderstanding

I waited a week before even having our parents visit. Not weird at all.

Personally I cannot wait to show off my babies after the birth. But my family don't expect waiting on and don't stay too long. A few times I was sad because they left too quickly and I'd wanted to show off my baby more.

That said after my first there were some real boundary issues with certain family members. If I hasn't of been able to resolve them before my second and third I know I would save felt differently. It's well a good saying it's 'weird' or 'selfish' no wanting visitors, but it always depends on the family dynamics, the birth, and how things are going doesn't it? It's ridiculous to think you can apply to same expectations to each baby and family. Each experience is too unique to judge beforehand.

What can I say — I’m a bad, twisted, evil person, Always.