Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How long can you put of visitors

92 replies

justmakemeacuppa · 02/02/2019 11:10

New baby born in family, how long would you leave visiting to close family before thinking they are just being odd? I couldn’t wait to show off my kids. I understand about they need time but they are known to use every opportunity to gain attention. Not desperate to see baby but find it odd? It’s been a week?

OP posts:

littlemisscynical · 02/02/2019 12:17

@tillytrotter1 maybe her family actually care about her and consider her needs? they are visiting for her, not just to coo over a baby

CrazyOldBagLady · 02/02/2019 12:20

Have you contacted her at all? I'd just drop a line saying you have a card/pressie and look forward to seeing the baby when she is up to it and take it from there. It's hardly pestering

Original poster

justmakemeacuppa · 02/02/2019 12:21

I don’t feel I have a right to visit or I would just turn up as I would do before the baby was born. I’ve had some very helpful answers on here and some obviously very angry people lol I’m only human whether ibu or not. I’m not going to lose sleep over it and will get on with my day to day life. To the people giving helpful advise thank you will give it another week and then message to see how things are going. I’m usually kept up to date with things so maybe they are just overwhelmed with all the nappy changes. Maybe she’s waiting for me to message again. Will find out in a week if not before. I don’t think she’s blocking me personally. I got a picture of baby day after and knew she wanted a couple of days but not heard anything since ☹️.

OP posts:

Seline · 02/02/2019 12:27

Was on about the people saying no visitors is entitled OP.

formerbabe · 02/02/2019 12:29

I find it strange.. I also couldn't wait to show off my babies. I don't get the big deal, especially if it's close family.

Seline · 02/02/2019 12:31

I don't understand what's not to get. Some people enjoy visitors, crowds, parties and social events. Some don't. Some people who previously enjoyed these feel vulnerable after having a baby. Some people feel like they want to recover from birth which even when textbook is still pretty horrible.

Other people can't wait because they enjoy and gain happiness from it.

What's hard to understand about that?

thatsmyspace · 02/02/2019 12:32

I find it strange.. I also couldn't wait to show off my babies. I don't get the big deal, especially if it's close family

Same! And you have to remember that the family and close friends are just as excited as you to meet the new baby.

toastfiend · 02/02/2019 12:39

I gave birth almost a week ago and I've not been turning away visitors but haven't actively encouraged it either. We're still in hospital as baby needed some extra support initially. I'm recovering physically very well, but I'm tired and a bit overwhelmed at being in hospital for so long. Desperate to get him home and show him off but also conscious that it's been a pretty stressful week, I wasn't anticipating having a baby for another 5 weeks or so, and he's a bit premature so we've been advised not to let too many people touch and cuddle him as he's a bit more vulnerable. I have posted pictures on Facebook and if anyone asks to come and see him I've either made plans with them for a couple of weeks time or if we're close asked them to come to hospital to see us. I haven't extended any formal invitations, though, figured some people won't be interested and don't want to put them in an awkward position and those who want to see him will ask if they can.

It's all very individual and it's her baby. If she doesn't want visitors yet then fair enough, she might have had an uncomplicated birth but still be feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable. We don't all recover in the same way. Just pop a message and ask if there would be a time that was convenient to come round at some point in the next few weeks or so if you're wanting to see baby.

Limensoda · 02/02/2019 12:42

Why do some people feel they have a right to visit women after they've given birth? It. Is. Not. Your. Child.

It will be ok then to say It. Is. Not. My. Child. when the parents are asking for free childcare and babysitting?
Both sets of grandparents visited me in hospital and other close relatives popped in to our house during the week after I came out. Yes, I was tired but all I had to do was sit there with my baby whilst my husband made them a cup of tea and do anything that was needed.
Although, it does help if you aren't obsessed with tidyness and can't live without being made up and immaculate.
My baby was part of a wider family who are all important.

Redglitter · 02/02/2019 12:43

Tbh I've only heard of people doing this since I've been on mn

Same here. Everyone i know has been keen to show their baby off.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2019 12:47

You sound like you're being a cow.

She just asked a question ffs!!

StreetwiseHercules · 02/02/2019 12:50

Honestly, why do people care so much what other people do in their private lives? People seem to think they have some kind of entitlement to intrude on other lives or to take opinions on them.

A week after childbirth someone hasn’t opened their house up to visitors. So fucking what? It’s their house, their life, their baby. Just get on with yours. It’s got nothing to do with you.

StreetwiseHercules · 02/02/2019 12:52

“She just asked a question ffs!!”

No she didn’t. Not really.

People give themselves away with the language they use and they way they use it.

Original poster

justmakemeacuppa · 02/02/2019 12:54

I decided to message, feel better for it incase she was waiting to hear from me. Got an update. There are reasons out of her control for not being in contact. I should have just messaged her from the start but I suppose the feeling of not wanting to pester took over then the mind starts over thinking.

OP posts:

Limensoda · 02/02/2019 12:56

A week after childbirth someone hasn’t opened their house up to visitors. So fucking what? It’s their house, their life, their baby. Just get on with yours. It’s got nothing to do with you

OP is talking about close family not random strangers or casual acquaintances ffs!

Glitterblue · 02/02/2019 12:58

seline I totally get this. My DD was in NICU for 3 months too and you do feel you want that time back. We had constant people trooping in to see her every single day, people I didn't even know! (DH's colleagues) and they always came in 2s so I had to sit out as we were only allowed 3 at the incubator. When we got home people still wanted to keep visiting, we were exhausted because it's stressful suddenly being responsible for this tiny baby who had previously been monitored 24/7! I was trying to establish breastfeeding and kept having to go upstairs. We always said if we were ever lucky enough to have another, we'd do things very differently with visitors.

Glitterblue · 02/02/2019 12:59

Oh and I should have said I'm not having a go at OP, my situation was very different.

JasperKarat · 02/02/2019 13:03

I was in hospital for six days, had family to visit from the day after birth, friends didn't visit initially until I sent pictures and then they responded with 'can't wait to meet X let us know when is good for you' etc. I thought people would just pop in or call and ask to visit but my friends are politer than I thought! I am very like you OP even after a horrendous labour and extra time in hospital I was eager to see people, but I'm sociable generally

Original poster

justmakemeacuppa · 02/02/2019 13:07

It’s nice to hear other people’s experiences. I can’t help feeling like i did as not hearing from her is not normal. You try to give them time but when you know the person and they do something out of character and it’s one of them awkward times you never know if getting in contact is right or wrong or who makes the first move. Some people’s helpful comments made me get in contact which I’m glad I did as I now know why. If you ask people close by they can go back and say so and so said this and that and things get silly.

OP posts:

CoughLaughFart · 02/02/2019 13:34

I don't understand what's not to get. Some people enjoy visitors, crowds, parties and social events. Some don't.

Exactly. ‘I don’t get it!’ seems to be a permanent lament on MN. You don’t need to understand why someone doesn’t want visitors - just respect it.

My family is very much like the OP was; everyone who’s had a baby has been keen for visitors from day one. The first time one of my friends had a baby and wanted to set up a visit ‘in a few weeks’, I was taken aback as it wasn’t what I was used to. However, I didn’t psychoanalyse it or dismiss it as ‘weird’; I went in a few weeks, as she wanted. Why is it so hard to just do what people ask instead of constantly asking ‘But whyyyy?

Seline · 02/02/2019 13:54

It will be ok then to say It. Is. Not. My. Child. when the parents are asking for free childcare and babysitting?
Obviously. People are allowed to refuse if they don't want to do something. However I think refusing to do it solely because the mother wanted privacy after the birth is malicious.
glitter that's absolutely terrible. Our nicu wouldn't let anyone in who wasnt a parent or grandparent.

Exactly. ‘I don’tgetit!’ seems to be a permanent lament on MN. You don’t need to understand why someone doesn’t want visitors - just respect it

I had this exact row with a relative who kept asking but why and saying "oh I won't do that I won't do anything to worry you!" when I said it was a vulnerable time. I told her whether she understood or not didn't matter because I wasn't asking for her approval just her to respect my boundaries.

Limensoda · 02/02/2019 14:00

Obviously. People are allowed to refuse if they don't want to do something. However I think refusing to do it solely because the mother wanted privacy after the birth is malicious

But that's not what I meant.
It's a view held by some on here that for grandparents to refuse to be supporting in childcare or babysitting is selfish. I certainly didn't mean it as a response to not being allowed to see the baby after its born.
It was to demonstrate how one sided a new mother's attitude can sometimes be

Seline · 02/02/2019 14:03

@limensoda it's only selfish if it's a necessity such as refusing to help out when it's a medical appointment or something.

Sorry I thought you were saying it as a response

Limensoda · 02/02/2019 14:09

@Seline
limensoda it's only selfish if it's a necessity such as refusing to help out when it's a medical appointment or something

Well yes, that's just mean as well as selfish but the posts I've seen on here have also been about taking the kids of their hands or regular childcare while they work.

Seline · 02/02/2019 14:11

@Limensoda I don't think that necessarily selfish dependant on situation. It's of course very nice if people would help and id personally be quite disappointed if my parents hadn't helped us. Wouldn't necessarily say it's selfish though.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread