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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long can you put of visitors

92 replies

justmakemeacuppa · 02/02/2019 11:10

New baby born in family, how long would you leave visiting to close family before thinking they are just being odd? I couldn’t wait to show off my kids. I understand about they need time but they are known to use every opportunity to gain attention. Not desperate to see baby but find it odd? It’s been a week?

OP posts:
Original poster
justmakemeacuppa · 02/02/2019 11:45

If I wasn’t close I wouldn’t feel so 🤔

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 02/02/2019 11:46

Can you imagine telling new parents you don't want to see their newborn for a few weeks. I know everyone's different but there's so much drama involved with everything these days.

elvis86 · 02/02/2019 11:48

*How long would you leave visiting to close family before thinking they are just being odd?

Uses every opportunity to gain attention.

It's not like she had a difficult birth.

Happy to have baby showers and accept gifts, but then falls of the face of the earth.*

Sounds like you're fond of her, OP. 😂

thatsmyspace · 02/02/2019 11:48

@Limensoda couldn't agree more 👏🏼

SnuggyBuggy · 02/02/2019 11:49

It depends on do many different factors, you can't say what's normal

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2019 11:52

Have you messaged her at all? Has she said she wants to be left alone? Or are you just sitting there expecting her to call round / call you to visit?

If you're close to her why not a "hey Jenny, hoping your doing OK and getting some sleep. Let me know when I can pop round and see you all or if there's anything I can do to help. Love you lots, Justxx

explodingkitten · 02/02/2019 11:53

I kind of get it though. 30 years ago the visitor only came round for 20 minutes, just giving compliments and a present and then buggered off leaving mum alone. Nowadays too many people stay for much too long, tell their own birth stories, start giving unwanted advice and demanding pics and info daily. I'm pretty sure that most mums would be totally fine with a 20 minute nice visit from their family. It's being scared of the demanding attitude while you are vulnerable that makes some women want to hide away.

Ribbonsonabox · 02/02/2019 11:53

A week! That is normal I dont think she is being odd. Good that you've not messaged loads. Just leave them to tell you when they want visitors. Perhaps in another weeks time message asking how they all are and saying youd love to met the baby if it's all going well and ask them to let you know when they are ready for visitors..
My in laws did not meet my baby for a month after the birth! I was injured from a traumatic birth though

Schmoobarb · 02/02/2019 11:54

Only on mumsnet is this ever a thing, people banning visitors for weeks on end so they can “get to know” their new baby. Newsflash, they feed, cry, sleep and shit in the first few weeks, I’ve never seen what there is to “get to know” beyond that (and I’ve had 2 of my own) and how a visitor popping in for half an hour would stop that anyway.

These same visitor banishers will no doubt be the first to moan that people aren’t interested in their baby further down the line.

People are so precious and entitled about having babies these days, it’s a big deal for the family of course but people have been managing for hundreds of years without a song and dance

SnuggyBuggy · 02/02/2019 11:55

My in laws stayed 4 hours, to be honest I wish I had made them wait longer

SnowdropFox · 02/02/2019 11:56

One of my close friends had a baby recently. Her MIL and SIL were awful and controlling and never stopped giving unwarranted, sometimes utterly stupid, advice while she was pregnant. It was just ramping up and up the closer the due date came. Her DP was the one who suggested a blanket ban on visitors initially to allow them to get used to having a newborn and prepare themselves for the stress of family members visiting. It worked well for them and other family and friends just had to be satisfied with photos and videos.

Wanting time to spend with your new baby isn't entitled, thinking you have a right to see someone else's newborn is entitled. Be patient, you'll get to meet the wee one soon.

CatnissEverdene · 02/02/2019 11:58

When I had my 1st, we were inundated with visitors and I was beyond exhausted by the time she was 2 weeks old.

Second baby, the door was kept firmly locked and if people didn't phone to arrange, they weren't let in. We invited people at weekends, and spaced it over the first month. I was far less frazzled!

Bluelady · 02/02/2019 11:59

New grandson born at the end of November. His parents couldn't wait to show him off and were hassling us to visit! They were completely gobsmacked when I said how surprised I was that they weren't in purdah! It does seem to be much more common in MN circles.

OnTheHop · 02/02/2019 12:00

Your username might be part of the problem Wink

Has whoever would like to visit asked to visit / said they would love to visit? Offered to come round with a meal / cake and to pick up a load of washing?

daipaned · 02/02/2019 12:02

I know a few people who've announced a babymoon on FB. I think it's a bit precious but they tend to be precious kind of people in other ways so it's unsurprising.

On the other hand a family member made a visiting schedule for her hospital stay and the following weeks woe betide anyone who's life it didn't fit!

None of the above gave a toss back when I had my babies I might add. They'd turn up at whatever time suited them- usually a meal time merrily wake the baby and stay as long as they liked Hmm

hammeringinmyhead · 02/02/2019 12:03

Depends. Are you a ten-minute cuppa visitor or are you a four-hour one?

After a week I was waddling from an episiotomy, crying every hour at nothing, hadn't pooed yet and was still having appointments every other day with the midwife. Anyone not the grandparents of the baby hadn't met him by then.

AlwaysSunnyInLiverpool · 02/02/2019 12:04

no complications

How would you know?

One close family member had an horrific birth, tearing, required a blood transfusion, baby had cord around neck but told family all was well.i myself only found out about 2 years after and I was one of the ones ok to visit a couple of days after they got home (I offered to help do laundry and took food up). I'd had no idea, I just know there was some psysio stuff she went to a few months later.

I think (didn't ask) that it was a bit traumatic so she didn't want the whole family knowing about the panic , nr private medical details about post delivery repair afterwards. That's my guess, and I'd do the same.

Just because you weren't told how a birth went doesn't mean it's the truth.

Shipwrecked2019 · 02/02/2019 12:05

I had a baby 5 days ago and had a tricky labour. Everyone's coming this afternoon and I could cry thinking about it!

Seline · 02/02/2019 12:06

People are so precious and entitled about having babies these days, it’s a big deal for the family of course but people have been managing for hundreds of years without a song and dance

Surely it's more entitled to think you have a right to just descend on someone else and see their baby?

Don't see what's entitled about wanting privacy.

AlwaysSunnyInLiverpool · 02/02/2019 12:08

Oh yes, op, in case it's not obvious- yabu.

I can tell from your posts about being close, judging as odd (as if there's a "correct" time!) And generally having to ask this... Rather than, you know, communicating, and offering to HELP new mum & dad... That you're likely to be the PITA relative who has the "well I was fine with visitors, why isn't she" me-me-me mentality.

Offer to help or back down, frankly.

tillytrotter1 · 02/02/2019 12:10

The gospel according the MN is that the 'little family' has to 'bond', because no-one else has ever had a baby in history! Of course it'll be OK for 'her' family to dominate this 'little family'! I really don't know how anyone else ever got through life before all this wonderful 'advice'!

Seline · 02/02/2019 12:12

Why do some people feel they have a right to visit women after they've given birth? It. Is. Not. Your. Child.

RoryLeighGilmore · 02/02/2019 12:12

'Her mum and partner to help'

Her partner isn't there 'to help'. Sexist bullshit again and again.

If they'd have wanted you round, they'd have invited you.

littlemisscynical · 02/02/2019 12:16

It isn't always about "our little family bonding" Hmm. yes there may be a minority who believe that crap. But the vast majority are exhausted and struggling and just need some space for a few days. Or else very short visits. Not visitors sitting for hours while the new parents entertain them!! Stop being so self absorbed and selfish and try to see things from other people's point of view!!!

tillytrotter1 · 02/02/2019 12:16

Schmoobarb

Glad I'm not alone! I had 12 people round my bed, they'd come to do 'duty visits', military situation, then gravitated to me, they got thrown out by the staff eventually! I loved seeing real people who, once they'd oohed and aahed, had normal conversations with me, it was such a relief from the baby-obsessed other new mothers. Once we were home I had my Sixth Form round for an hour's chat, I even 'allowed' them to hold her, very much against MN wisdom!