In thinking this man should walk away while he can

[sunshinesupermum]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/02/a-letter-to-my-lazy-wife-and-children

I was a teenager when I began working 42 years ago, and I’ve stuck it through tough times. You kids are out of school now: life should be sweet. It isn’t. It’s crap. I am depressed and exhausted. I expect to be “managed out” of my job soon.

To my wife: you’ve worked for years, but you have almost zero savings. I pay the bills, and I pay when we go out. You could buy that new kitchen you want if you were to exercise a modicum of fiscal responsibility.

To our two kids still at home: why don’t you help around the house without being asked? Why must I return to a pigsty after a 12-hour shift?

To our drug-addict kid: we supply and maintain your car, do your washing, feed you. We feed your dog. The one I asked you not to get. The one you said would be no trouble because you’d take him to work. The work you quit.

Get your life in order. Start by blaming yourself for your decisions to use marijuana at 14 and meth at 17. Get therapy for your self-inflicted psychological issues. Admit it’s not normal to have four showers a day. You are a qualified tradesman. Stay off the drugs, get a job.

To our kid who just left school: you only had one job to do – study and pass your exams. Now you have signed up to train in a low-paid profession with long working hours. I believe you did this because you see it as the easiest path, so you can pretend you are doing something with your life. If you really do have a passion for cooking, maybe you could do some here at home.

To our oldest kid: last week I repaired your car myself to save you money. Gearboxes are heavy; it was tough. This week you bought another car. What happened to building a financial buffer in case your contract isn’t renewed? If you can’t make your house payments, I can’t help you. When I gifted you the deposit for your home, I told you it was all I was able to give. I meant it.

To you all: I feel the weight of the years. When he passed away, my father was less than five years older than I am now. I will soon be unable to work. Then I will stop paying your bills, fixing your cars and cleaning up after you.

Or he could realise that there's a lack of communication in his marriage and towards his children.

A 14 year old has the capacity to decide to do drugs? And now, they are propping him up, which enables it to continue.

Were has his responsibility been in all this?

I do know many older Men who blame their Wives and children for everything, though.

Yeah, I read it and thought he doesn't like his wife and kids and he'd quite like it if they were as miserable and fun-sucking as he is, but he's probably done fuck all all his married life to actually communicate with them like human beings with needs and fears and flaws, just wanted them to buckle under and perform to his standards.
Would very much like to hear the other perspectives on this one.

Depends which stage of life you are as you read this. If you have older children (adult children), then yes, you will know exactly what he means.

When I was teaching, it was borne in upon me that the kids knew all their rights, but didn't want to know about the responsibilities underpinning that; they had expectations, but thought their parents should meet them, and not put in the effort themselves.

I think this man has supported his family all this time with little thanks, and feels it has been shoved back in his face, and he is tired of it.

It's a lament. A literal lament.
He's lamenting the fact that his life is pretty grim and that he's spectacularly cheesed off.
And who can blame him? I think I'd be cheesed off too if I had his life.
Fair play to the guy, it is very well written....poetic almost.
An Ode to the 21st Century

I think it’s sad his family disrespect him so much. I hope he lets them stand on their own two feet before he retires

So he got married and had kids and is surprised that it took effort to support a family? Imagine being so bitter. Maybe if he’d done a better job his children would be less useless.

Sorry, pal, you chose to have three children with a woman who has no fiscal responsibility. No sympathy for the choices you've made.

Or maybe he should stay at home, and start sorting out the mess his family is in?

Burying his head in the sand or fucking off somewhere else isn’t going to magically teach his children how to adult.

Poor man. What a shitty situation

I read that this morning, and did not warm to the man at all. I tried re-reading with him as the mother, in case I was just man-hating. Nope, still didn’t feel too sympathetic.

I think what really did it for me, was the bit about admitting that 4 showers a day isn’t normal. It isn’t. It suggests MH issues. Which suggests that the drug use could be self medicating. I’m a bit at people making excuses for kidults, and not expecting enough personal responsibility from them. But I read all of that thinking “this is coming fro your choices too”. Don’t fix the car if the gearbox is heavy, then. Don’t pay every time you go out, if your wife has worked for years, but never saves.

It’s one of those situations where I’d love to know the truth.

Yeah, I'd quite like to hear the other side too.

Child 1: has managed to get trade qualifications despite mental health issues

Child 2: is prepared to work super long unsociable hours in shitty conditions (not sit at home courtesy of Bank of Mum & Dad)

Child 3: has got a job and been approved for a mortgage, and hasn’t actually come to you asking you to dig him out of a non-financial buffer induced hole

They’re not all bad, are they?

I think it’s a really sad piece, and he’d benefit from talking it through on MN!

I can understand why he would feed the 'drug addict' son and his dog, but don't do his washing and don't maintain his car for him - that's your choice.

And to another son - 'Now you have signed up to train in a low-paid profession with long working hours' - so you don't agree with his career choice? And?

It sounds as though he is trying to control his offspring by spoon-feeding them. Let them get on with their lives.

Fair play to the guy, it is very well written....poetic almost.

Yes - suspiciously so, as are many of the "letters" in that Guardian slot. Personally, I think many of them are just pieces of creative writing. I don't think they are all true.

I think it's just really bitter. Everything is everyone else's fault, written like he's a poor bystander with no input. It's easy to blame the wife and kids for everything, is he not jointly responsible for how these children have turned out?! If he's so resentful his wife doesn't contribute financially why not communicate. It seems usual for men to resent women not apparently contributing financially but forget about all the contributions they provide in the house!

Part of me feels sorry for him but part of me detects MartyrDad.

Bloody hell! He should kick the whole lot out

Yes I struggle to sympathise with people who blame others for how their life has turned out .
If he's unhappy communicate that but the trouble is he never has and now he doesn't know how .
Kinda sad I feel sorry for his kids it's like nothing is good enough for him .

Sorry, pal, you chose to have three children with a woman who has no fiscal responsibility. No sympathy for the choices you've made

Yeah, I'd quite like to hear the other side too

Burying his head in the sand or fucking off somewhere else isn’t going to magically teach his children how to adult

Imagine being so bitter. Maybe if he’d done a better job his children would be less useless

I wonder if responses would have been the same if a woman had written this

My response would be exactly the same if a woman had written this.

Time40 Not sure that I agree with you they are made up. My daughter write one of these letters some time ago and it was published. Truth is always stranger than fiction.

Of course @Screaming

@Intohellbutstayingstrong

Why do you doubt me?

You need to consider that this isn't a post on Mumsnet by a man seeking support for his problems - it's a letter to a national newspaper moaning about them, in which he paints himself as an ill-treated martyr.

If he were posting on a forum seeking support, my response would be different.

I have no sympathy for anyone, male or female, who presents themselves as an ill-used hero because their children haven't made the life-choices they would have wanted them to make; nor for people who have multiple (so no accident) children with a partner they don't respect.

I don’t know, I think this is a person who is desperately unhappy and the main focus is how his family make him feel. He has realised that he could only have a few years left as his dad died around his age. A sobering thought and it has made him take stock of his life.

Personally I think people are allowed a bloody good whinge, even about their children. Sounds like his family could do with standing on their own feet a bit more.

I also suspect that a journalist makes these up.

He should run far away.