In thinking this man should walk away while he can

[sunshinesupermum]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/02/a-letter-to-my-lazy-wife-and-children

I was a teenager when I began working 42 years ago, and I’ve stuck it through tough times. You kids are out of school now: life should be sweet. It isn’t. It’s crap. I am depressed and exhausted. I expect to be “managed out” of my job soon.

To my wife: you’ve worked for years, but you have almost zero savings. I pay the bills, and I pay when we go out. You could buy that new kitchen you want if you were to exercise a modicum of fiscal responsibility.

To our two kids still at home: why don’t you help around the house without being asked? Why must I return to a pigsty after a 12-hour shift?

To our drug-addict kid: we supply and maintain your car, do your washing, feed you. We feed your dog. The one I asked you not to get. The one you said would be no trouble because you’d take him to work. The work you quit.

Get your life in order. Start by blaming yourself for your decisions to use marijuana at 14 and meth at 17. Get therapy for your self-inflicted psychological issues. Admit it’s not normal to have four showers a day. You are a qualified tradesman. Stay off the drugs, get a job.

To our kid who just left school: you only had one job to do – study and pass your exams. Now you have signed up to train in a low-paid profession with long working hours. I believe you did this because you see it as the easiest path, so you can pretend you are doing something with your life. If you really do have a passion for cooking, maybe you could do some here at home.

To our oldest kid: last week I repaired your car myself to save you money. Gearboxes are heavy; it was tough. This week you bought another car. What happened to building a financial buffer in case your contract isn’t renewed? If you can’t make your house payments, I can’t help you. When I gifted you the deposit for your home, I told you it was all I was able to give. I meant it.

To you all: I feel the weight of the years. When he passed away, my father was less than five years older than I am now. I will soon be unable to work. Then I will stop paying your bills, fixing your cars and cleaning up after you.

I think this guy sounds like a complete fucker. I have no doubt that his wife's thread on MN would result in a raft of LTBs.

He doesn’t sound very nice at all.

I’m just thinking about my stepdaughter, who is a similar age to the younger two here I think.

Her dad could write something really negative, there’s always bad things, always a spin you can put.

Instead, he is SO proud of her, and loves her so much.

He’s happier than this dad.
It’s a shame that going just on that letter, this man isn’t going to seek support for his depression and looking for new ways to parent.

Sounds like “nice guy syndrome”. Would like to hear the other side(s).

"Part of me feels sorry for him but part of me detects MartyrDad."

This is what I thought. Criticising one adult son for having a dog, but what does the dog have to do with him? Does he look after the dog? And if so, why? Does son and dog live with him? If so, why did he let him get a dog (he just says 'asked' him not to). If it's his house, why didn't he put his foot down?

Also, wife doesn't have enough savings to buy a new kitchen? So what? Maybe she preferred to have nice clothes and socialise with friends rather than save up for a new kitchen.

Well if he is the one who deals with the finances maybe he should have looked at who was funding his kids drug habit and why buying and running cars / giving house deposits etc wasn't going to teach his kids financial responsibility.

If you don't fucking tell them and put boundaries in place then they are going to take the piss. I include the wife in this.

Don't run your drug addicted adult child's car for them or fund their dog, what incentive do they have otherwise?

So his wife has worked ‘for years’ but she has no savings?
Does he have savings that are just his? And ‘she’ could buy that new kitchen...(not ‘we’. could buy it) Sounds as if they don’t share their income much if at all.
My savings and my DH’s savings, such as they are, are ours.
She has also bought up three kids, and probably done all the wife work while he does his 12 hour shifts.
He sounds like a traditional husband, helping the oldest fix his car but expecting to come home to a perfect house and perfect family without doing much about it except whinge.

so his 'lazy wife' has worked for years, either she is lazy or he is just an arse!

Ironically he's expecting them to take responsibility whilst he avoids taking it for where he is. He's either enabled them in what he feels are their bad decisions or he is so detached from family life, he sees nothing that happens at home as being his responsibility. There's no recognition that his wife might feel the weight of running a home, working, supporting her children and trying to placate a grumpy husband who wants to blame everyone else.
As for a PP who said journalists write these. Yy sometimes they do or, more often, freelance writers. I worked on a magazine. You do received lots of letters but the suspiciously well written ones are usually professional writers.

The irony of telling his son "Get your life in order. Start by blaming yourself for your decisions" while moaning about how crap his entire life is.

Maybe if he spent more time raising his kids instead of working 12-hour days, they wouldn't be such a bunch of fuck-ups.

Start by blaming yourself for your decisions to use marijuana at 14 and meth at 17.

Start by blaming yourself for having three children with a woman you have complete contempt for, thereby making your responsible for children you also have complete contempt for. If you had made different choices when you were younger you would be in a different situation, one you at least believe would be better. Why didn’t you?

Self pitying tosser.

Enabling a load of free loaders?! His wife works, his oldest child has a mortgage and a job and doesn’t live at home and the second child has just begun training for a very hard work, long hours career.

To me he seems like a bit of a twat

He says he pays the bills and when they go out. There are a myriad of other costs hat he hasn't mentioned, perhaps the wife is paying those? What does sbe earn conpared to him, i wonder who did the bulk of housework/raising the children? He gives no reason why the wife is lazy just that she hasn't saved up to buy a new kitchen. He has managed to save for children's deposits but nothing else. And she maybe on considerably less than him

Child 1: drug problem + mental health issues. This is a genuine problem, but has he asked himself why his child started taking drugs at 14?

Child 2: just started training to be a chef? I see no problem with this. His problem is child is not following the career path he wants

Child 3: owns their own house and has just bought a car. His problem is child isn't spending their own money as he'd like.

Apart from the drug problem, his main issue seems to be people not doing what he wants them to do.

He basically has a lot of contempt for his whole family, and a very 'woe is me' attitude.

If he had posted on MN asking for help fine. But he's basically written to a national newspaper moaning about his family.

I agree with "Oliversmumsarmy*.

This guy has chosen to have 3 kids with a woman he feels contempt for. He also seems to have chosen to leave all the parenting to her while he works his 12-hour days. And then he's surprised and annoyed that the kids don't seem to be conforming to his rather rigid expectations?

Time for him to face up to his own parenting and relationship responsibilities, and how he's been failing at them for so many years.

Being a husband and a father takes a lot more than providing money and practical assistance (and a resentful attitude). His emotional intelligence seems terrifyingly low.

Where is his empathy? Where is his interest in and involvement with his family, and where has it been all these years? How much time has he spent every day just hanging out with his family, getting to know them, listening to them and showing them affection? Does he see them as people at all, or just as possessions and burdens?

I don't get why his wife is lazy? I assumed he was going to be ranting that she hadn't worked for years even though kids were at school/adults etc.

Time40 Not sure that I agree with you they are made up. My daughter write one of these letters some time ago and it was published. Truth is always stranger than fiction

I said that I thought many of them were made up, sunshine, not all of them. Well done to your daughter for getting one published. I sent them one, actually (a true one), but they didn't use mine.

I'd take at least some responsibility for how my kids turned out