In thinking this man should walk away while he can

[sunshinesupermum]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/02/a-letter-to-my-lazy-wife-and-children

I was a teenager when I began working 42 years ago, and I’ve stuck it through tough times. You kids are out of school now: life should be sweet. It isn’t. It’s crap. I am depressed and exhausted. I expect to be “managed out” of my job soon.

To my wife: you’ve worked for years, but you have almost zero savings. I pay the bills, and I pay when we go out. You could buy that new kitchen you want if you were to exercise a modicum of fiscal responsibility.

To our two kids still at home: why don’t you help around the house without being asked? Why must I return to a pigsty after a 12-hour shift?

To our drug-addict kid: we supply and maintain your car, do your washing, feed you. We feed your dog. The one I asked you not to get. The one you said would be no trouble because you’d take him to work. The work you quit.

Get your life in order. Start by blaming yourself for your decisions to use marijuana at 14 and meth at 17. Get therapy for your self-inflicted psychological issues. Admit it’s not normal to have four showers a day. You are a qualified tradesman. Stay off the drugs, get a job.

To our kid who just left school: you only had one job to do – study and pass your exams. Now you have signed up to train in a low-paid profession with long working hours. I believe you did this because you see it as the easiest path, so you can pretend you are doing something with your life. If you really do have a passion for cooking, maybe you could do some here at home.

To our oldest kid: last week I repaired your car myself to save you money. Gearboxes are heavy; it was tough. This week you bought another car. What happened to building a financial buffer in case your contract isn’t renewed? If you can’t make your house payments, I can’t help you. When I gifted you the deposit for your home, I told you it was all I was able to give. I meant it.

To you all: I feel the weight of the years. When he passed away, my father was less than five years older than I am now. I will soon be unable to work. Then I will stop paying your bills, fixing your cars and cleaning up after you.

Time40 said that many of them are made up, not that all of them are; "I don't think they are all true", not that "I think none of them are true". At least you know that one of them was real!

I'm saddened by the way people are making up reasons not to sympathise with this man. As justifiably miserable as he appears to be, his family circumstances aren't particularly extreme by the standards of many who post here, so there's nothing implausible about them. There's no call to make up reason why his predicament is his own fault.

Perhaps we should tell every woman who complains about her husband on here that (a) it's her fault for choosing him and/or (b) the problem would go away if only she dealt with him the right way and/or (c) she can just leave, divorce never has vast consequences for finances or in relation to children.

Perhaps we should tell every woman who complains about her husband on here

But he isn't complaining on here! He's publishing his complaint in The Guardian!

I also suspect that a journalist makes these up.

I think the most likely scenario is that a journalist has ghost-written the complaints of a real person, so we have a good writers voice expressing someone else's problems.

I thought it was sad that he felt nothing good had come from fatherhood and marriage and that he could not find any redeeming personal qualities in his family. But I did wonder, like others, how many of these wounds were self-inflicted. Nevertheless, he would be entitled now to do less of the heavy lifting - both literal and figurative. I think he needs to tell them all he will be stepping back a fair bit and share his retirement plans. His family must understand that they will have to be more self-reliant and self-sufficient than they are used to.

At 14 I knew exactly where my DC were and who they were with. They didn't get the chance to do drugs.
Because I cut down on work to make sure I was around for them.
It seems as though he is expecting certain behaviours without actually communicating with anyone or having the basis of a relationship with any of them.

He has got into a way of life where he thinks doing and paying for things is showing love.

I know someone like this. Probably similar age who took no interest in the house or his family never changeed a nappy or did a night feeds and finds it now very hard to connect with his family now they are in their teens and 20s
All he is to the children is a walking cash point.

His poor wife. She’s been working for years (probably in a low paid job) and he’s out of the house 12 hours a day. You can bet she does all the wifework and he earns multiples of her salary. And you can imagine the oldest son didn’t want him to fit a new battery, he just wanted to buy a new, functioning car which he can well afford being a responsible worker with a mortgage approved. And the middle child, no one chooses catering because they’re looking for the easiest option.

But he isn't complaining on here! He's publishing his complaint in The Guardian!

Took me a minute to work out why you thought this was relevant. Yes, that means we're not being mean to him, but that wasn't actually my complaint, in his case. My complaint is that strangers are automatically turning their back on him because they don't want to sympathise or engage with his circumstances.

It makes me think of a long article in the Guardian yesterday by a man describing his sexual abuse as a child. He told a number of people, including adults (a teacher at Eton!) and no-one understood, or did anything about it.

The similarity is that certain problems are unpalatable to people, they'd rather minimise them or make up reasons why they are the victims fault, than take them at face value.

Despite the heading, his complaint about his wife seems to be that she is spending too much rather than that she is lazy. He says she works and implies that she earns enough that she should have been able to have saved enough to pay for a new kitchen. If he's doing 12 hour shifts, presumably she has also been doing the bulk of the housework and parenting of three children.

To my wife: you’ve worked for years, but you have almost zero savings.... He works 12 hour days, I wonder hwo picked up the childcare and housework for years? What her earning potential is because of sacrifices she made for years?

To our two kids still at home: why don’t you help around the house without being asked? I wonder if the wife asks herself the same of him?

To our drug-addict kid... self-inflicted psychological issues. Admit it’s not normal despite being a drug addi t from teens, he got qualifications. Despite his mental ill. Health being derided by his father he managed to qualify and get a job
I wonder how much emotional instead of practical support was on offer

To our kid who just left school how are long hours and shot pay an easy life? I wonder how much he even likes / wanted this youngest child

To our oldest kid: last week don't give money or help you can't afford to give or don't give willingly

I wonder who else in his family - the irresponsible wife, stupid son, druggie son, lazy son actually even read the Guardian

Yes, that means we're not being mean to him

That wasn't my point. My point was that if he'd posted on a forum that would indicate he was actually trying to do something constructive about his problems, by seeking help and support.

By publishing them in a national newspaper, he is simply showing off and doing a 'poor me'.

There's nothing in his letter that suggests any attempt to do something about this. Has he sought support for his son's drug problems? Has he considered that the repeated showering might mean MH problems? Has he sat down with his wife to look at where her money is going?

And one of his other sons choosing to go into catering as a career - in what universe is that a terrible, woe-is-me event?

Why is he criticising his son for training to be a chef.? Obviously not good enough for him and hiding behind some bull about it being easy.
He sounds like an arse.
Suddenly the reasons for his other sons drug addiction start to become clearer.

“make up reasons why they are the victims fault,”

This man isn’t a victim of anything other than his and his wife’s own poor parenting.

He sounds tired and dissatisfied with the demands of raising three kids, but who doesn’t some (most) days?

Sure, have a moan- but then pull yourself up and work constructively with the rest of the family he’s chosen to marry and father to make the home a better place.

Fucking off because you don’t want to have to deal with your kid’s undiagnosed mental health issues is pretty low.

And yes, obviously that applies to women too.

"A letter to my lazy wife" doesn't add up when his first sentence is: 'you've worked for years' and they have three children. I appreciate the header might not have been his words, but if not, it doesn't say much for the journalist who thought it up.

I don't think he should walk away. I think he should take some responsibility for his family and how he reckons they have all turned out! I also think he's a stuck up twat for moaning at his son for choosing a career he doesn't want him to have!

On the surface it looks like both he and his wife work long hours as well as his wife doing the wife work and parenting. Both of them are knackered and have been for ever

If he is complaining that his wife hasn’t saved enough to buy a new kitchen (not going unnoticed he deems kitchens part of what a wife should replace) she probably wasn’t allowed to work pt or not at all so she could full time parent the children.

You get back what you put in. Now years later he is reaping what he sowed.

If you have been working 12 hour days and not having anything to do with your children whilst they were growing up apart from sharing an address. What did he think was going to happen when he started to throw his weight around. It’s like a stranger coming into the house and telling you to clear up.

Maybe he needed to sit down with the family years ago and decide on a different life.

It sounds like this has been brewing for some time but instead of doing something to change he prefers to be a martyr

I suspect a journalist makes these up

They don't. My daughter had a letter published in this column. Real life situations are often stranger than fiction.

I wonder what the wife spent all her wages on from working for years.

I have strong suspicions it was household and child rearing expenditure and that he is one of these men that leave all that to the wife and have never had a blues clue about the true cost therein.

Oft to be heard saying "HOW FUCKING MUCH when confronted with the cost of basic food shopping items and children's clothing/shoes/school accessories or trips.

It doesn't say how old the children are, but the youngest has just left school, so 16 to 18. Unless there's a very big gap, the oldest is probably mid twenties. The oldest has a job, earning enough to support a mortgage. His father worries that the job will end, leaving the oldest without a job. He wants the oldest to run an old car, and save. But perhaps the oldest is worried that an unreliable car will damage his work prospects. I'm not seeing anything to suggest the oldest is "lazy".

Sounds like a load of made up wank by some journo.

Sounds awful and he makes some valuable points.

OOH it would be helpful to hear his family's perspectives

Wow! I bet if it was a wife who wrote those, people would be a whole lot more sympathetic! They'd probably tell her to leave them and start a new life on her own. Why not him?

I think he sounds like an arsehole. I have grown up children and I can't imagine feeling this bitter towards them and my dh. Grown up DC make bad decisions, newsflash, shit happens, get over it. Yes have a good whinge if it helps, walk away if you wish, but moan in a newspaper for the world to read? Pathetic.

They'd probably tell her to leave them and start a new life on her own. Why not him?

Why should either of them be left alone to deal with the son who has problems?

Strip away the rubbish from his letter and this man has only one thing which is really a problem and deserving of sympathy - i.e. Son 1 who has a drug addiction and possible MH issues. However, he doesn't talk about wanting to support his son - he just blames him, saying the problems are his own fault.

Son 2 has bought a new car - oh, dearie me!

Son 3 wants to be a chef - goodness, the shame of it!

Don't give them hand-outs if you don't like the way they conduct their finances.

The house is a mess - well, tidy it up if it bothers you.

His wife has spent all the money she earned, rather than saving it, and they can't afford a new kitchen - how awful to have to make do with an old kitchen!

The whole letter is a revolting outpouring of self-pity, with a complete failure by the writer to take responsibility for his choices or his parenting.

Sounds like he us enabling a load of freeloaders. He should step back and let them do for themselves. From what I am gathering, they are adult kids.