Stopping IVF and accepting childlessness

[ohbigdaddio]

Posting for traffic...

DH and I have unexplained infertility, I'm now 40 and we've had one failed IVF cycle (we got 3 embryos that didn't work.) Prior to this we had a couple of years TTC. In total we've had 3 years of trying and failing to get pregnant (in fact I have never been pregnant in my life.)

Doctors say I have a good number of eggs for my age and should try another cycle, though it may take another couple to get pregnant (still no guarantee of a live birth!) DH and I have been considering what to do and unknown to him I am exploring stopping the whole thing.

Yes, 3 years is a relatively short time and yes we have only done 1 cycle of IVF. However the cost to my mental health (and bank balance!) has been severe. I have been depressed for the last 2 years and last year it was sever with me having daily suicidal thoughts and feeling like such a failure that I wanted to end my life. I didn't actually do anything but it was on my mind a lot. Living in limbo with no idea of how long it will go on for and wishing for something which may never happen has been extremely damaging to be and my confidence, and as a result has affected my career. We have spent over £8K and I feel we may as well have burned that money.

I'm starting to wonder if stopping this quest for a child (and getting a dog!) may be a more liberating decision than being stuck in this very miserable existence, though I have no doubt that there will be a hell of a lot of grief to deal with.

I'd really like to hear from people who fit into the category of accepting their childlessness and how you got there? How are you now?

Please, no miracle 'I stopped IVF and fell pregnant' stories or even 'I adopted/used donor eggs' etc...I just want to hear from those who really wanted a family have remained childless due to circumstances.

Thanks so much x

I really feel for you and understand completely. Tbh I want someone to tell me to stop because it's not a decision I can make myself.

I have been seeing a therapist for a few years after my 5th m/c. Do not want to go into explaining what I am going through right now. But I feel like seeing someone, a professional would be a good choice.
Sorry if that's obvious advice.

We had 4 icsi over 3 years .
I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown , I was hallucinating at one point .
After the 3rd and 4th I just got numb .
We didn't have the cash , the youth or the heart to keep plugging away at it .
So it came to a natural stop.
I held onto books , even needles and the box of kit they gave you for a couple of years and finally got rid .
We are happy and have a good marriage . We aren't wealthy or jetting off on holiday like we're supposed to be apparently.
We work hard , have our pets and each other and in grateful every day for what I have and glad that shit show is history.
My advice is look after yourself , live in the moment .

@ohbigdaddio

I suggest you visit this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/3191089-Uber-barren-ghetto-elite-squad-9th-battalion

They will understand 100%

Hi OP.

I have a similar thread at the moment, had some wonderful replies about what life looks like without children.

DH & I tried for 2 years but after tests show DH is infertile, it's definitely the end of the TTC road for us.

I'm still very much coming to terms with it as I desperately wanted my own biological children, but I know life isn't always fair and I'm going to let myself grieve for this 'loss'.

I just wanted to say you're not alone, and I do see hope for the future; it may not look the way we had hoped, but that doesn't mean we can't be happy and fulfilled.

Thank you all and love to those on a similar position. And Enta l had no idea you started a similar thread - l will go and check it out now. x

Thanks Huggybear16 I didn't realise there was this thread on the infertility board. x

'Have you looked into Gateway Women? It’s a website dedicated to people who have been unable to have children and it’s very positive. '

I came on to say exactly this. Its a terrific group - really supportive and no one will give you any 'don't give up' bollocks . Good luck OP. Its a tough but very brave decision to say 'enough '

I hate "don't give up" for something like this. What are you supposed to do? Either you get pregnant without help or you don't. And then you get the help and either you get pregnant with the help or you don't. I actually think that the positive thinking trend can put tremendous burdens on people who are in fact perfectly entitled to decide that they'd rather focus on something else.

I've been told numerous times not to stress about it or worry about it and "it'll happen".

How I've not physically assaulted those people is a mystery.

'I actually think that the positive thinking trend can put tremendous burdens on people who are in fact perfectly entitled to decide that they'd rather focus on something else.'

So true. The positive thinking stuff is a tyranny. Life is not all positive. The tough stuff, the negative stuff, is also part of reality and needs to be faced. And it really doesn't feel like it when you're in the throes of grief and longing for a baby, but there is more to life than children. There are so many ways to find fulfilment and live a contented life

Came across this thread. It is so uplifting to see some happy outcomes out of the complete misery of TTC. It would be nice to hear how you are doing OP - I hope all is well xxx