Stopping IVF and accepting childlessness

[ohbigdaddio]

Posting for traffic...

DH and I have unexplained infertility, I'm now 40 and we've had one failed IVF cycle (we got 3 embryos that didn't work.) Prior to this we had a couple of years TTC. In total we've had 3 years of trying and failing to get pregnant (in fact I have never been pregnant in my life.)

Doctors say I have a good number of eggs for my age and should try another cycle, though it may take another couple to get pregnant (still no guarantee of a live birth!) DH and I have been considering what to do and unknown to him I am exploring stopping the whole thing.

Yes, 3 years is a relatively short time and yes we have only done 1 cycle of IVF. However the cost to my mental health (and bank balance!) has been severe. I have been depressed for the last 2 years and last year it was sever with me having daily suicidal thoughts and feeling like such a failure that I wanted to end my life. I didn't actually do anything but it was on my mind a lot. Living in limbo with no idea of how long it will go on for and wishing for something which may never happen has been extremely damaging to be and my confidence, and as a result has affected my career. We have spent over £8K and I feel we may as well have burned that money.

I'm starting to wonder if stopping this quest for a child (and getting a dog!) may be a more liberating decision than being stuck in this very miserable existence, though I have no doubt that there will be a hell of a lot of grief to deal with.

I'd really like to hear from people who fit into the category of accepting their childlessness and how you got there? How are you now?

Please, no miracle 'I stopped IVF and fell pregnant' stories or even 'I adopted/used donor eggs' etc...I just want to hear from those who really wanted a family have remained childless due to circumstances.

Thanks so much x

OP have you googled the organisation “More to life” it might help you in your decision process.

I’ve been in a similar position in the past although I did go on to have 2 DC at term eventually. But I remember how tempting it was to “step off the merry go round” many many times and draw a line under it all. It’s a very empowering thought to “take back control” like that in a situation that feels so very much out of your control,

Good luck whatever you decide

I mean, I know in a way that I am not someone you want to hear from but maybe it helps to know that not everyone who has a baby automatically thinks you should keep trying forever and ever to get one.

It's not easy but it's worth it so don't give up

I just knew there would be insensitive twist like this on the thread. It doesn’t work out for everyone. Accepting and knowing when you’re done is a really positive choice. Counselling helps.

There’s also a thread on the infertility board called “Uber barrens” for those people for whom fertility treatment hasn’t worked.

Hmmm I can’t seem to find their website now

I’ve found a Facebook page

www.facebook.com/moretolifeuk/

It’s not my story so I need to be sensitive and avoid too much detail, but one of my closest friends was in your position. The IVF and hoping nearly broke her, so they made the decision to stop. They have a beautiful life, full of travel and trying new things, they definitely make the most of being childless, perhaps to make their decision really count. They love our children and all of the various nieces and nephews etc, and have a rich and exciting life. They say they’re not sad, not envious, and are in fact kind of pleased when they see how frazzled we are, that they made the decision to focus on a different kind of life. They are not sad pitiful people, they’re fun and warm and do cool stuff all the time, host great parties and go on trips and have done up their barn conversion together. Work-wise they travel and try new projects all the time. Nobody, especially me, can or should ‘convince’ you that this is the right decision though, my friends are just one example. They had counselling too, although as far as I’m aware it wasn’t particularly long or intensive.

Ignore the don't give uppers, it's ok to say enough and to chose (well accept rather than chose) to be childfree/childless, I believe the don't give uppers are also the ones that quiz women on why they don't have children or also come out with the crass quip of you'll be next when confronted with a pregnant woman or a newborn, I am now pleased to be of an age that I just get a head tilt and sad face from women who ask if I have children rather than being asked hurtful and probing questions as to why I don't have children, although also be warned OP some women will view with suspicion and fear if you don't have children, sorry I went a little off topic.

I'm in a similar position to yours OP.

Tried for years, various medical issues left me infertile but I just couldn't face IVF because I knew my mental health couldn't withstand it. It wasn't just the constant disappointment that I struggled with, but it was living in limbo - trying to plan stuff for the future and always thinking 'ooh but I can't book that holiday / look for that new job because I might have a baby by then..'

Once I had decided to stop trying and accept this was how it was, I felt so much better. I had certainty in my life for the first time in years - this is who I am and how I am going to live.

I started travelling, and have thoroughly embraced all the freedoms having no kids can bring. I can drop everything to go on a last minute holiday, I have plenty of spare cash to spend on myself, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. The number of times my friends of colleagues with kids lament 'Oh it's so unfair you get to do all this cool stuff'.. I have to bite my tongue and tell them it's also unfair that I cannot have children, and I make NO apologies for enjoying my life now thank you!

It helped that I have a few friends of similar age to me who don't have children and have a similar love for travel. Of course I also have friends with kids, and I love them all to bits but enjoy being able to dip in and out of their lives whilst thoroughly enjoying my childlessness.

Oh and I have a dog for cuddles. He's way less hassle than a baby ;)

I feel for you OP. I've been in your boat. There is nothing wrong with drawing a line, saying enough is enough, and moving on.

My history in a nutshell. TTC over 8 years. 6 MC , ICSI twice (both MC) . We can try again with genetic testing. I'm now 40. Emotionally I can't face going through it again. Also (and I'll get flamed) I've watch all my friends have kids who are now growing up, I don't want to be starting my family in my 40s just because I'm too stubborn to give up. It's been emotional hell but both me and DH (he's taken a bit longer to get to where I am as he desperately wanted us to have children ) have decided that enough is enough.

We feel sad, we won't have grandkids, go to children's weddings etc. When we're old who will we spend Christmas with? Who will visit us? When one of us dies we'll be totally alone. These are the things that infertile people have to come to terms with. We have come to terms with this. We are very lucky to be in a very happy relationship. We are doing our house up and saving for a fabulous holiday every year (and smuggly enjoying staying in bed late at weekends etc!) things that our friends with kids can't do.

Do what you need to do for your own health xx

From someone who had 6 ivf’s I think you just know when you had had enough. Something in you changes and normally I was always right let’s try again but after that 6th I just knew I could not do it anymore. I wish you a happy life with whatever path you choose.

@SplishSplashSplosh did you not read the OP? Saying don't give up to someone in this situation is the worst. Good for you it worked, but understand that you're a lucky minority. For most who have had years of TTC there comes a point where you have to give up. I suggest when an OP specifically states no don't give up miracle stories, resist the urge please.

Please, no miracle 'I stopped IVF and fell pregnant' stories or even 'I adopted/used donor eggs' etc...I just want to hear from those who really wanted a family have remained childless due to circumstances

I don't quite fit as I had treatment for secondary infertility. I won't share my thoughts on stopping treatment unless you want me to, as I appreciate I don't fit the bill.

I will not tell you to stop or go on. I'm just here to tell you that I understand what you are feeling.

I had years of various fertility treatments before I was allowed to do ivf (different country, different rules but I do get the first few rounds of ivf covered). I found doing ivf so much harder than the other treatments. Being dissapointed during the previous treatments made me depressed, the idea of maybe doing it all for nothing made me so depressed, being infertile made me depressed, stupid comments from fertile people hurt me and then on top of that the whole ivf rollercoaster. I couldn't start describing how I felt. I told many friends and colleagues that I now understand why so many people here give up after the first round of ivf. It was some kind of mental torture for me. I chose to persevere because I just couldn't envision a happy life without it but I have also told my friends that if I had the slightest notion that I could be happy without kids, I would have given up.

So no advice from me. Just letting you know that there is someone who understands. Big, big hug from me.

Hi OP

Have you looked into Gateway Women? It’s a website dedicated to people who have been unable to have children and it’s very positive.

I can’t give you much advice as I never wanted to children but I definitely recommend their meet up groups. When you are surrounded by mothers and families it all becomes suffocating so I always found it important to have people who don’t have children I could socialise with.

I found not having children to be very restrictive as friends had babies and my husband and I just seemed to trundle along. It took us actually needing to plan things out to start feeling less trapped. Now things are much improved. If you need to talk please PM me.

We have had numerous IUIs and IVF cycles as well as clomid.

I've had 4 miscarriages along the way too.

Im 39 now and we too have unexplained infertility.

I'm starting to think that we've come to the end of the road now. It's hard to come to terms with but I think we have to accept childlessness.

John Cleese said in "Clockwise", "It's not the despair. I can stand the despair. It's the hope." That was how I felt all the time I was TTCing.

Thank you for sharing that quote. It is so true, isn't it?

I realised recently that I don't take photographs and it's because a voice in my mind says who will look at them?

Who will care what I looked like when I was young?

I'm afraid of old age (please don't tell me that's a selfish reason to have children). I have no nephews or nieces of my own either.

My dh doesn't want to accept that it won't happen. He won't talk about adoption. I'm prepared to consider it because I know we can provide a loving and comfortable home for a child. It would want for nothing. I can't do it without dh though.

A good friend of mine gave up IVF and got a dog and says she's now really happy. A little sad in one way it didn't work but her life is just as fulfilled and her dog has brought her and her husband unexpected joy.
Another friend persisted with IVF and had twins. It has nearly broken her and her marriage and she said if she had her time agsin, she would not have continued the IVF.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

@explodingkitten yes it's so true. Heartbreakingly true

Hi OP, similar position here but without the IVF, I wouldn't have qualified on the NHS and couldn't have afforded it privately. Where my situation is different is that I split up with the partner I had been pregnant (and experienced loss) with, and met someone who has had the snip. It took a while to get my head around pregnancy no longer being an option without even more intervention, but once I did it was actually a huge relief. I do still get massive pangs of yearning, but they're far less than they were and it's no longer the thing that every single day revolves about.

I'm not suggesting you change partners! But that that change in my life allowed me the space to make a decision, and to no longer have to deal with not only my own expectations but those of family and friends.

Perhaps your change could be a new career, volunteering or studying something new, or yes maybe a pet! Something that gives you joy and distracts from the void.

I wish you both well for the future. I promise it does get easier.

Gees there are some smug gits in life. OP asks for no stories and people can't help clyping up with their bunkum. I hope you find some peace, OP. I have a number of friends who are childfree, some by choice and some not and who are all now in their 50s. They hang out together quite a bit.

I should add to my post that I'm childfree and very happy. I have a rich, fulfilled life without the limitations that children can bring. It is possible. OP.

Thanks for all the supportive comments. Will look into the websites mentioned.

I'm disappointed that so many have posted who have gone on to have children – this is exactly what I didn't want to hear!

I've had/am still having counselling MuseumofInnocence. It's helped but we still haven't reached any conclusions.

if this position now is leaving you in a state of depression to the point you are suicidal there is every chance that having a baby won’t instantly cure that I am not having suicidal thoughts now as I am on medication SummerGems. I have reactive depression – infertility and not being able to get pregnant are the reasons for my depression. If I got pregnant tomorrow I would be overjoyed and the depression would no doubt lift.

I don't want any hope - I completely agree with you OP - hope and uncertainty is where madness lies. Totally relate to this Smidge001

Also wanted to say the John Cleese quote is so true!
And to all those who are also struggling.

I won't give my own details, but have come to a point of acceptance around an infertility issue. Things that helped were:

No longer monitoring my cycle - this was the big one that really helped. It was surprising how soon I got out of the habit of thinking what cycle day it was.

No longer reading infertility forums

Getting rid of any fertility related kit/vitamins/tests

The John Cleese quote is spot on.

I hope it gets better because at the moment I can't bear to hear about anyone else having a child or seeing families with children enjoying themselves. I'm not normally a jealous or nasty person but I can't help it.