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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm a bad mother?

53 replies

belaiir · 31/01/2019 15:35

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I have a 3 month old. Two weeks ago I was staying in a hotel as I was visiting my home town but couldn't stay with my mum as she's just moved house and didn't have a bed for me.

I was getting ready to meet my mum when I noticed my baby looked grey. He seemed ok, just a weird colour. I called my brother who is a doctor and lives round the corner from the hotel. He seemed really calm and reassured because he was breathing.

He came over (he was there in 2 minutes flat!) and watched him for a couple of minutes because it can be normal for babies to go blue for a number of reasons.

His colour improved, but then went blue again. At this point my brother called an ambulance.

We went to the hospital and I called DH who was the other end of the country at work.

I explained what happened and he went nuts at me. Said I should have called an ambulance straight away and that I'm a shit mum if I thought calling my brother was a good idea.

We haven't spoken much since. He apologised, and I know he was just scared, but I can't get over him calling me a shit mum.

Turns out my son is fine. They said these things happen sometimes and he is completely normal. They carried out tests, with no explanation for the incident and told to keep an eye on him.

So, am I a shit mum? I just didn't know what to do and he has gone blueish before because he's cried so much (after his jabs) and he'd been screaming prior because he was tired so I honestly thought he was okay (which he was in the end)

Sorry my post isn't well written I'm not the best at putting my words across.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 31/01/2019 15:37

I would have done exactly the same as you.

Perhaps remind him you were there and were able to view the situation and apply judgement?

RayRayBidet · 31/01/2019 15:39

Your brother got there pretty quickly, possibly quicker than an ambulance would.
I think I still would have called an ambulance first but I don't think you are a shit mum.

keepingbees · 31/01/2019 15:40

You are not a bad mother. He was assessed by a doctor quicker than a doctor could've seen him at a&e. You did nothing wrong. Glad your little one is ok!

ReaganSomerset · 31/01/2019 15:42

It's a judgement call, there's no wrong answer. You make the best decision you can based on the resources and information available at the time. No, you're not a shit mum.

DragonKiller · 31/01/2019 15:42

OP, you are NOT a shit mum, you did what sounds like a sensible thing and had reason to do so. Flowers
DH shouldn't have called you that (at all, he was completely out of order) and it may take some fairly lengthy apologising on his part but it's something you can get through.

I'm glad your DS is okay.

Jezzifishie · 31/01/2019 15:43

Removing the fact that he's your brother, you called a doctor to help your baby who arrived in 2 minutes. That's quicker than an ambulance would be - I think you did exactly the right thing!

Original poster
belaiir · 31/01/2019 15:49

I just knew my brother would know what to do.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 31/01/2019 15:51

Of course you're not a shit mum. You had a doctor with you a few minutes - that's faster than an ambulance.

MrsTerryPratcett · 31/01/2019 15:53

Is your DH generally supportive, loving and kind? Was this a moment of stress induced lashing out?

Because DH calling me a shit mother would be a big problem in our marriage. A really big one.

GeneralMelchit · 31/01/2019 15:54

Your instinct told you something was wrong and you got medical help asap. Your husband was not there and panicked at the thought of what had happened. You are not a shit Mum and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Hope your little one is okay.

ethelfleda · 31/01/2019 15:54

Definitely not a shit mom OP. It’s not as though you ignored it and thought it would get better!

Glad your little one is ok Flowers

Original poster
belaiir · 31/01/2019 15:55

@MrsTerryPratcett he's wonderful usually I think he was just scared and frustrated he was many miles away and his baby was in an ambulance. I'm still struggling to forgive him though. I love my son more than I could possibly have ever imagined.

OP posts:
IsobelKarev · 31/01/2019 15:55

So you noticed something was wrong with your baby and called a doctor. I don't really see how that could possibly make you a shit mum!

arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2019 15:57

You aren't a shit mum, I would have done the same. However, your husband was a shit husband in this scenario. Hopefully he was just scared and panicked, rather than being a permanent arsehole.

Timeforabiscuit · 31/01/2019 15:57

You got the fastest medical help you could think of and your dh owes you a massive apology!

There will be many, many incidents like this when raising a child - from head bumps through to meningitis scares so your dh needs to give his head a wobble and work on a different coping mechanism than blind blame!

MrsTerryPratcett · 31/01/2019 15:59

Ok then. Blame gives the illusion of control over a situation so that's why he did it. I would be telling him in no uncertain terms it isn't going to fly in future though.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 31/01/2019 16:01

He prob feels guilty for being so far away and pushed the guilt over to you. He needs telling imo. You handled the situation just fine.

OopsInamechangedagain · 31/01/2019 16:01

Who knows how long you could have been waiting for an ambulance? Also it's very easy to judge stuff after the event when you're not trying to make decisions whilst in a panic. Your DH IBU.

Justaboy · 31/01/2019 16:04

Got your own doctor on hand lucky you!, and babe for that matter.

You did no wrong at all and if you were my wife I'd never chastised you for what you did in fact a 2 miniute respose time is waay better than an ambulance.

And your bro did the right thing as well decided further investigation was warrented and called up the calvery!.

Celebelly · 31/01/2019 16:07

It sounds like you were incredibly sensible! Also, your brother would have been able to give important information to call handlers when calling the ambulance too (and probably a lot more succinctly and concisely) so it might even have saved time.

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 31/01/2019 16:09

Sorry, but you DID know what to do, actually... You noticed something was up and got the quickest medical attention available. You were away from home and in a scary situation, and still had the presence of mind to know that your brother would be quicker than an ambulance. What more does your husband want from you?!

TheOrigFV45 · 31/01/2019 16:09

Your DH called you a shit Mum?
I'm sorry.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 31/01/2019 16:10

No you aren't. Your DB was there quicker than an ambulance would have been.

I suspect your DH was scared, but even so it's an awful thing to say to someone. I'm not surprised you've not been able to let it go.

When thing are a bit calmer then it would be a good idea to talk to him about this. Yes, he's apologised, but he needs to understand how it's made you feel. He also needs to imagine how he would feel if you'd said something like that to him - basically implying that you don't love your son enough to look after him properly. Would he be able to accept a quick apology and move on from a comment like that?

GB54 · 31/01/2019 16:11

You called a doctor, you’re not a shit mum 💖

LL83 · 31/01/2019 16:14

You did the right thing.

If it is really out of character for dh i would try to accept the apology and move on. Dh did the shit thing, not you.

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