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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I'm a bad mother?

53 replies

belaiir · 31/01/2019 15:35

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I have a 3 month old. Two weeks ago I was staying in a hotel as I was visiting my home town but couldn't stay with my mum as she's just moved house and didn't have a bed for me.

I was getting ready to meet my mum when I noticed my baby looked grey. He seemed ok, just a weird colour. I called my brother who is a doctor and lives round the corner from the hotel. He seemed really calm and reassured because he was breathing.

He came over (he was there in 2 minutes flat!) and watched him for a couple of minutes because it can be normal for babies to go blue for a number of reasons.

His colour improved, but then went blue again. At this point my brother called an ambulance.

We went to the hospital and I called DH who was the other end of the country at work.

I explained what happened and he went nuts at me. Said I should have called an ambulance straight away and that I'm a shit mum if I thought calling my brother was a good idea.

We haven't spoken much since. He apologised, and I know he was just scared, but I can't get over him calling me a shit mum.

Turns out my son is fine. They said these things happen sometimes and he is completely normal. They carried out tests, with no explanation for the incident and told to keep an eye on him.

So, am I a shit mum? I just didn't know what to do and he has gone blueish before because he's cried so much (after his jabs) and he'd been screaming prior because he was tired so I honestly thought he was okay (which he was in the end)

Sorry my post isn't well written I'm not the best at putting my words across.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 31/01/2019 16:18

If i had a medic in my family close by I would have done the exact same as you did without rushing to A&E first your baby was breathing not in distress but you got himchecked over. Your husband overrreacted because he panicked you might have reacted the same if you were in that moment but you need to talk to him again about it tell him how you felt and he must never insult you like that again?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/01/2019 16:18

I'm honestly not sure I could stay with someone who called me a shit mum under these circumstances.

You called a doctor who came immediately, you monitored the situation properly, and you called an ambulance as soon it was obvious one was needed.

Your husband's a dick.

winsinbin · 31/01/2019 16:19

Your husband is wrong. I hope he apologises soon.

Canshopwillshop · 31/01/2019 16:20

You did absolutely the right thing OP. Your DH owes you an apology.

Bambamber · 31/01/2019 16:21

Totally agree with everyone else, you got immediate medical help which is exactly what you should have done.

I think maybe it was a knee jerk reaction going into panic mode, however he needs to understand that s not an appropriate way to respond even when panicking. You can panic without being a jerk

Bigsighall · 31/01/2019 16:24

I would’ve done the same as you. Sounds like you’re a good mum!

Dimsumlosesum · 31/01/2019 16:30

You are NOT a "shit mum". Your dh however is a shit human being.

kininabul · 31/01/2019 16:31

Because DH calling me a shit mother would be a big problem in our marriage. A really big one

This for me too. There are certain things you just don't say no matter how stressed you are, without some underlying background of being a horrible person.

And "shit mother" is one of them.

NKFell · 31/01/2019 16:31

You're definitely not a shit Mum! I would have done the exact same thing as you.

He probably was just worried and took it out on you, he was wrong to do that though. You haven't done anything wrong OP.

Pinkbells · 31/01/2019 16:32

You had a doctor (your brother) out to him within 2 minutes, that's a pretty speedy response to me. You sound like the total opposite to a shit mum. Your husband on the other hand...

RiverTam · 31/01/2019 16:32

If he's normally a decent man then I would write this off to his being very frightened. But clearly it has upset you a lot so you need to talk it through with him so you can put it to bed. Us reassuring you that you did the right thing (which I agree you did) isn't really what's needed.

3luckystars · 31/01/2019 16:37

I think you did great. I am trained in first aid and have been in an emergency with one of my children and nearly dissolved into a puddle in the ground. I was absolutely useless! The other time I was screaming so much I nearly fainted. Another time, I actually did faint and everyone laughed at me for ages afterwards.

I think that @MrsTerryPratcett has hit the nail on the head: 'Blame gives the illusion of control over a situation so that's why he did it.'

This is a great sentence and I'm going to keep that to mind the next time blame is being thrown around. He was just so upset that he lashed out. I hope he has apologised because you did absolutely great. Here, hospital is the very last resort because you would come out sicker than you went in, so keeping a baby out of that environment is to be commended.

My friends daughter went blue several times and it was reflux. She is a nurse and she FREAKED OUT when this happened. Really I think you did fantastic. Well done and I'm glad your baby is ok.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 31/01/2019 16:38

OP you did absolutely the right thing. You somehow managed to get a doctor to look at your sick baby within a couple of minutes of noticing something was awry. There is no other way you could have achieved that.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2019 16:38

Your brother got there quicker and if he's needed resus did have been more use than you.
It doesn't matter what a yo e else would have done, you did what you thought was best and you were n charge. He is safe and well.

How DP wasn't nice but it would just be panic and fear. Try and find a way to forgive him x

IlluminatiParty · 31/01/2019 16:41

We all cock up sometimes because its hard exhausting work looking after a baby, let alone travelling with a baby. Constantly gauging situations to figure out what's best takes a lot of energy. Balls get dropped on occasion.

But even still, if you ask me, you made absolutely the right calls. You did the right things. Your baby is fine. Your DH owes you an apology.

You are a great mum Flowers

floribunda18 · 31/01/2019 16:41

I think you did absolutely the right thing. An ambulance would normally take at least half an hour and could be hours and hours away. Your brother who is a medic was there immediately and knew what to do.

iamboudicca · 31/01/2019 16:41

you are not a shit mum. You did far better than me. When Ds was a simmilar age he also did this. I didn’t know what to do so just watchied him for a bit while I tried to work out what to do. His colour came back and so I didn’t do anything, until it happened a few times. I did then take him to the GP who referred us. ( a week or so later) to the hospital. when I took him there the doctor was quite cross that I hadn’t acted quicker. .. although it turned out not to be a problem after they ran tests.

I think you looked after your DS really well.

elfycat · 31/01/2019 16:46

DD2 used to go blue as a toddler. I was a theatre nurse and I know what hypoxic looks like. I didn't panic because behind the grey skin and purple-blue lips was a chattering happy little girl with bright eyes.

I called the GP and arranged to go in within a few minutes to have her checked over. If she'd been unwell or continued being blue of course she pinked back up by the time I got there, but knew the GP from working in theatres I'd have called an ambulance.

It sounds to me like you, a mother present at the time of your son looking off, felt that your DS wasn't in major trouble but still got rapid advice to check. Your absent-from the situation- DH panicked at the idea of his child being unwell. Both are normal-ish reactions.

As long as your DH means his apology and will reflect on not being a twat in the future I'd let this go. My husband saw DD go blue a while afterwards and said that he was glad I'd dealt with it first because it was terrifying.

She grew out of the blue thing - we had an outpatient appt to check her heart etc and the consultant said they put it down as a circulation of the facial blood supply when they get cold , a sort of facial reynauld's. But if I were to become concerned, or if it increased in frequency I should go back. Hopefully it remains nothing to be worried about, but do get it checked out if a) you worry, or b) it keeps happening.

I miss DD1 shouting 'Muuuuuuum! DD2's --name- gone purple again!'

holasoydora · 31/01/2019 16:51

My otherwise lovely husband said one or two choice things to me when we had just had our first baby. I look back and think we were both a bit sleep deprived and panicky/shell shocked. It’s still a shit thing to say, and you might not forget it. (I bear several grudges against DH from this time but we survived because we have an otherwise good marriage).

Most importantly, of course you did the right thing and are not a shit mum Flowers

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2019 16:53

We haven't spoken much since

Is that a typo? Your husband hasn’t spoken to you much in 2 weeks?

MrsJayy · 31/01/2019 16:53

My friends son used to turn blue up till he was about 3/4 he held his breath my friend and others used to blow on him to bring him out of it he is a 6 foot man now i dont think he would appreciate it these days

PerfectPeony · 31/01/2019 16:59

I don’t think I could forgive my husband if he said that. It’s probaby the worst thing you could possibly say. I’m sorry he said that to you- how hurtful. Sad

You did the right thing. Glad your son is okay. My DD rolled off the bed and hit her head on the wardrobe! She’s also gone pale/ grey a few times (when cold). There will be lots of incidents like this and you need to make the best judgement you can.

DameSylvieKrin · 31/01/2019 17:01

Your brother would also have told you to call an ambulance immediately when you first called him if he thought it warranted. So in fact you had instant medical advice.
Unfortunately you know know that your H will be turning against you rather than facing challenges with you. Do you want that?

Confusedalarms · 31/01/2019 17:02

In my view, calling a woman a Bad Mother is the worst insult possible. If my DH called me a shit mum, he’d come home to his personal belongings on the lawn, and the locks changed.

Ok, you sound much nicer than me, and you’re prepared to give him another chance. But don’t just let it drop. When he comes home, sit him down and tell him, calmly and politely, that he said a terrible thing to you, and he must not EVER do so again.

If he tried to argue the point, I would start to wonder whether I wanted to raise my child with him.

museumum · 31/01/2019 17:03

“I called my brother” sounds bad maybe but “I called the nearest doctor who was only 2 minutes away” is what you actually did and makes perfect sense. It’s what I would have done.

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