To miss London so much I want to cry

[Polarbearflavour]

I used to live and work in London. I had a great job in the City, liked the company, the people and the work.

DH is military and we are living in a city I really don’t like and I have zero friends here. Transport is poor, it takes ages to get here from anywhere else etc.

I miss London so much I want to cry! I’ve temped a bit down here and not working at the moment. There aren’t really any decent jobs here and when I have temped in offices I’ve found it...quite provincial and slow. That’s of no detriment to anybody who works there but it doesn’t suit me.

We are renting out our London flat at the moment. Would I be unreasonable to live and work there during the week and come home on weekends?

Sounds grim. Life is too short.

Move back during the week, if I could I would in a heartbeat. I'm a 35 minute commute so not too far away.

Winchester is in Hampshire. Nuff said. Brighton more londonish.

Having lived in Winchester and Portsmouth (of a fashion) I prefer Portsmouth, Winchester is incredibly un-diverse and it wound me up a LOT.

OP I live unmarried unaccompanied in London while my other half is down south, we are getting married and still not living together. We will live together if his posting is right and once he leaves. PM me if you like, I'm in a very similar situation to you execpt I never moved south. We make it work. Yes we miss each other and spend a lot of time on whatsapp and video chatting but we make it work. It's not forever.

I get it totally. My DH is military too and we ended up living in the arse end of nowhere with no job prospects for me. I ended up coming home (2 hours drive) and working there in the week and DH came home at the weekend. It was a tricky time but we made it work. It had got to the point where I was so miserable I was being absolutely vile to DH. We figured that we'd be better having less time together, but it would be happy time, rather than me spending all of the time unhappy and frustrated.

I suppose it depends on how long you want to do this, and if it's sustainable.

After a long distance relationship, I moved from a major American city to a small one in the UK. It's been really difficult to leave everything and everything behind. It's so slow here in comparison. But I see it as a challenge and am slowly meeting people and finding my feet. I do get homesick, but I'm adapting.

Dh worked away during the week for 5 years. I hated him doing it, but never complained as felt it was just what we had to do at the time. Looking back I wish we’d found another solution.

However it may work for you and your Dh so try it and if you don’t like it, go back to living with Dh full time, but find a job you really love.

I really think you should consider doing it properly. Can you afford to not rent out your London flat and to live there? If not, there are options (e.g. my brother has a self-contained studio attached to his London house that he rents out to someone 4 nights a week at a really, really reasonable rate as it makes their life much easier than airbnb so happy to take less money to have the same person there each week and both parties happy with a no commitment set up). DH and I have had periods when we've lived apart half the week (sometimes 3 nights, sometimes 4) for work and it's absolutely fine - we really value the time together and with your kids in boarding school I can't see the problem. If it doesn't work, you can always change your mind or try something else. I don't blame you for feeling sad - why not give it a go?

Having lived in Winchester and Portsmouth (of a fashion) I prefer Portsmouth, Winchester is incredibly un-diverse and it wound me up a LOT

Ditto but Southampton... I would choose Portsmouth (or Southampton) over Winchester personally.

Commuting to London from Southampton Parkway is easy and v common.

OP I’m very fortunate in that his branch doesn’t really get sea drafts. Yes you are! The first 4 years I was married, dh was at sea or near London, whilst I was near Tavi, and then we bought a house in Plymouth (which is not dreaded at all).

You could weekend; we've done it for 4 years from Northwood/Shrivenham to Cornwall, and then for 2 years Brussels to Cornwall, but that ended up being at half terms and holidays only, as it was too difficult to get back for weekends. I gave up in the end and moved to Belgium. 13 years later, I am still here!

I was very lucky that dh managed to swerve any MOD jobs, as I would hate to live in London; too big, and I always come away feeling dirty somehow when I go there.

MQs in Portsmouth can be variable; and for my db (a Cdr) there was one option only given, take it or leave it on the Gosport peninsula next to Daedalus. He was told if he didn't take it, he would have to rent privately.

Not sure how many messes are in Portsmouth now, as Nelson has been sold off, but presumably there must be something. Friends who have to go to meetings in Portsmouth from NATO have to stay wherever they can find, so it could be Sultan, whilst the meeting is at Fleet HQ.

Evidently you are not a West Country person, any more than I am a Londoner, so yes, go back to London and weekend. Those with MOD jobs/Northwood jobs do that any way if they live in Plymouth or the surrounding area, so no reason why your dh can't live in the MQ and you come back at weekends.

You are very unreasonable in resenting the RN and what the job involves. Duties etc are part of the job and are not 'assorted nonsense'. Perhaps you need to get your head around how the RN works. It is not a city firm, but an Armed Force with its own codes and way of working. If that way of working is not followed, then people can die, either in peace time or combat. It is not and never has been a 9-5. It is working until the job is done whenever that may be. It means being sent to sea unexpectedly on Christmas Eve for an unspecified period; it means missing the birth of your child. If you resent it that much, then get your dh to resign. Just like you, I married a Naval Officer, but I was a Naval Officers daughter, so I knew that there could be pitfalls. It can be tough, but there are compensations, and I did it for 28 years until dh retired. He had already been in the RN for six years before we got together.

As to the other wives not liking you, well, do you moan about Plymouth and missing London all the time and the demands of the RN? If so, there's your answer. Have you tried phoning them, as opposed to FB invites?

Is there something you would like to do that this time away from working gives you an opportunity to pursue? You could learn to fly gliders at Dartmoor Gliding Society; you could learn to sail if that's your thing - lots of social activities there, especially if you get involved with RN sailing; you could volunteer at Saltram if the National Trust is your kind of thing.

I think you need to either move back to London, or stop missing it and make a determined effort to get the most out of where you are. Having been in Brussels for 13 years, I've had to learn to do the latter. Yes, I'd prefer to be back in Cornwall, but that isn't going to happen until dh retires again from his post RN job, so you have to make the best of where you are. It could be worse, it could be Portsmouth (and I grew up not a million miles away from there, despite being Plymouth born) and each time dh came home from seeing the appointer and mentioned Portsmouth, I told him he was weekending as I wasn't bloody well moving back up there. Luckily, he swerved Portsmouth jobs, as well as MOD and Abbey Wood, and plotted his career to his entire satisfaction.

Good luck, and in the nicest way, get a grip. If your dh stays in, you have another 12 years of this. You have to learn to deal with it. I knew another RN wife who moaned about the same things as you, We all avoided her like the plague, as she was so unremittingly negative and she didn't do much for husband's career either!

Scaryteacher - I do see your points. I often wonder if I should have married a military person! My ex was a City banker and I had a VERY different life, a more glamorous one and one that I miss. A lot. I earned a very decent salary and had a great social life.

I’ve always been very conscious to not moan about the RN to other people. If I’m at a mess dinner for example, I don’t say anything negative! I’ve worked for the MoD in the past and didn’t like it. The culture etc just isn’t for me. Nor is living in the deepest, darkest south-west.

🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, I did that for a while.

I have a room (with private) in my house that I rent out M - F. Right now, I have a tenant but feel free to ping me if you ever decide to do this and would be possibly potentially interested in my place.

Warning: I have a cat so probably not good if you don't like cats / are allergic to them.

Polarbear You are not remotely in the deepest, darkest SW in Plymouth. as you are not over the Tamar. You could be at Culdrose, or even the Falklands!!!

You can have a decent social life being married to someone in the RN. When dh was on the staff at RNEC Manadon (sadly now a housing estate) we had a ball...balls, Ladies Nights, cocktail parties, Beat the Retreat, Mangold Dangling, treasure hunts involving stops at various pubs whilst haring round Dartmoor in the car, all the sailing stuff that was going on. You won't get the dosh though, although the pension is well worth it (at least dh's is).

I would imagine I'm a fair bit older than you, and I think that dh's time in the RN was the beginning of the end for how it used to be socially with establishments and wardrooms closing, but glamour and money aren't everything. Yes, if you're not used to it the RN culture can take some getting used to, (and it is the family business on both dh and my side, so I had no illusions when we got married, and he knew I would deal with whatever got thrown at me, or know someone who could advise me), but you need to try and get your head around it. I worked out that I was about 5th in the pecking order after the team/department, the wardroom, the boat, the submarine flotilla and the RN. I was however, part of a close knit community (and we never lived in MQs in UK, we always had our own place), and I made myself a place within that. You get out what you put in.

Even when I was royally pissed off with the RN (and I was at times), it was the organisation as opposed to the boat or dh. One of my treasured memories is of the COs wife having to be restrained from pushing a very senior officer into the water when he told her it was he who had the boat sent to sea on Christmas Eve, as it was her first Christmas with her husband, so we've all been there.

You have to look for the compensations in what you are doing and make the best of it. It isn't always easy (as I know due to the past 13 years and it cost me my career), but you chose to marry a serving Officer, and you chose to move to Plymouth. You can reverse those choices, or be very savvy about what job he takes next; that's what appointers are for, and they need to balance the needs of the individuals as well. Friends and family have had jobs in Brussels, Mons, Naples, Oman, the US, Canada, France, the NL, Australia, Cyprus, so there are opportunities out there outside the immediate RN jobs.

I hope I haven't offended you too much, but being married to someone military does take a certain mindset, and is very different if you are not used to it.

Okay I've been outvoted re: the various areas of the Shire - to be fair it is almost a decade since I lived there! At least we all agree that London is better. To be honest I spent most of my time in Winchester either in the cathedral grounds drinking wine or on a train to London so my memories are probably quite rose-tinted!

Were you at Symonds then Peach? I remember staggering round the Cathedral grounds out of my skull on scrumpy during the carnival once, and having to be taken back to the boarding house , propped up and posted through the door. I managed to walk past the assistant house mistress before collapsing on the landing and crawling to my dorm.

I adore Winchester; that is the one place in Hants I would move back to lie in, but only in Bereweeke Road in one of the massive houses there.

peachgreen that actually sounds quite idyllic! To be fair, my opinion of Portsmouth is possibly similarly rose tinted (if it's possible to be rose tinted about Portsmouth!). It was THE place to visit to shop when I was a teen, a good friend was at uni there (poly in those days), in later years my girls have done ballet there 3-4 times a week, we've done some great southsea beach walks, gunwharf trips, events etc and DD is currently at Portsmouth uni having a ball - at nightclubs and bars almost every night, it seems!

OP, if you're stuck on the Gosport side, as scaryteacher mentioned, that's much less good. Getting out of Gosport via any means is a nightmare, however pretty the view across to Portsmouth looks on the ferry at night.

Reading all your posts, I'd definitely explore London in the week. Better just to see your DH at weekends and be happy than miserable with him all the time.

@scaryteacher I was! And one of my best pals was a boarder! I actually didn't enjoy Symonds that much but lived there after uni too and loved it then.

I agree - wouldn't live anywhere else in Hampshire but that could well be because my parents moved me there from London as a teen and I absolutely hated it - Winchester was the first place that I managed to make my own life in. Plus the train to London is so convenient and runs so late!

@musicposy I definitely prefer Portsmouth to Southampton, it's got more life to it and I really like the old town. I love a bit of history which is probably why I got on so well in Winchester!

@peachgreen When were you there? I boarded at Wyke Lodge from 82-84, and enjoyed it so much I sent ds back from Brussels to board at School House 6 years ago.

He didn't drink as much as I did; the Oak didn't seem to have the same allure, and I don't know if the Black boy, Mash Tun and St John's Room are still there. The Mucky Duck has morphed into something far smarter than it ever was in my day as well. With Challenge whatever, being served underage seems to be far harder now than it was then.

If you really feel like that Polarbearflavour and you don't have any kids yet, maybe this marriage and this lifestyle isn't for you. You can get out, you know, marriage doesn't have to be forever if it really isn't what you hoped for. Being a trailing military spouse with a DH who is away for six months (or more), at a time really isn't for everyone. If you crave London and your old lifestyle, it's still there you know ....

Plymouth isn’t that bad. Faslane is much worse😂
We are no longer in the UK but dh is still in the forces. I’ve stayed in our home and dh is the one who’s now moving around. He comes back every 8-12 weeks. FaceTime is great. We are happy .
London is one of my favourite cities in the world and I would love to have a house there and here 😂

DH knows we aren’t going to Faslane. Or Culdrose. Nope!

I’m lucky that he often tells me it’s just a job to him, he isn’t RN through and through like a lot of people. Nothing wrong with that if you are that type of person - but I’m glad he isn’t! I’m the one who suggests we go to mess functions occasionally.

I live near Faslane. In Helensburgh. It's quite good! And Glasgow might be a bit more exciting for you

I often wonder if I should have married a military person! My ex was a City banker and I had a VERY different life, a more glamorous one and one that I miss. A lot. I earned a very decent salary and had a great social life.

Is it just London that you miss, or this?

I used to work in finance, it is a glamorous lifestyle. The money is great, it's sociable, it's fast paced. I loved it. I don't work in finance or in London anymore, I'm in a little town with DP. He is worth giving all that up. He'd come back to London with me in a heartbeat if we could afford it and he thought I wanted to, but it wouldn't be the same.

Unless you'd leave your DH, you wouldn't get the above either - especially if you'd be splitting your time which would reduce time for socialising. So is it just London? Or are you reminiscing about a more exciting part of your life with an ex who had a very different career?

Or in fact, are you wanting to go and find someone with a different career and lifestyle?

Good luck, and in the nicest way, get a grip. If your dh stays in, you have another 12 years of this. You have to learn to deal with it. I knew another RN wife who moaned about the same things as you, We all avoided her like the plague, as she was so unremittingly negative and she didn't do much for husband's career either!
@ScaryTeacher People like you are the reason I hated living in MQs. Good grief, the wife should just suck it up so as not to harm her DHs career? I think we are all well aware of the fact that being in the military isn't a job, it's a lifestyle and one that the whole family has to tolerate. There are good points and bad points about it but the difficulties of being a forces spouse should not be swept under the carpet or approached with 'get a grip'.