Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To ask neice to leave

72 replies

RescueRemedy21 · 30/01/2019 20:52

Have name changed as quite outing with details...

So DN is 23. Her mum (my sister, am NC) kicked her out at 18 because they kept arguing. Sister let DN down badly and she did not have a good childhood. I helped her get a flat and job and furnished it, generally kept an eye on her, over for meals etc. A year ago it came to light that she was in massive debt to banks, credit cards, friends... She had been living well beyond her means so she gave up the flat and moved in with me and my 4 kids, aged 2-12 and DH.

Once she moved in I realised the money had been going on weed and coke and God knows what else. She has been clean since living with me as far as I am aware.

But at Xmas she got back in contact with old friends, spent the entire time partying and came home drunk. We never saw her, she was either out or sleeping. This has continued most weekends since Xmas.

Over the last year I have cooked for her, washed and ironed clothes, literally everything because I am a sahm and she works.

Since Xmas she has come in late and refused to go to work because she is knackered from partying, she treats the place like a hotel. She keeps asking to borrow money but given she earns £250 a week, pays me £50... Where is all her money going?? Drugs again?

She is moody, confrontational, if I ask her to do anything I get called a nag. If I question her on anything I am told to get off her case...

I woke her for work yesterday morning (I drive her in and pick her up every day as no buses) and she started screaming at me to leave her alone and that I'm not her mum. I was really hurt. She came in from work tonight and ignored me and went into her room. I have had enough, she does nothing around the house, owes me two months house keeping, is moody with me and the kids... Living with me was meant to be temporary while she paid off debt and saved for a new place. I paid off all the debt and she has paid me back, took 6 months. Since then, six months on from that, she has not saved a penny to move out and her job is at risk because of time off with hangovers.

I have had enough, it's effecting me and the kids now and I think she needs to find a house share and move on, however she has previously said she would not want to share with anyone else and I think it's going to be hard getting her to leave without ruining our relationship. Without me she will have noone.

DH thinks I am unreasonable, that she is young and having fun and we should leave her to it, although he didn't like her shouting at me this morning. I think I should tell her she has 3 months and needs to find a place of her own. I will still support her but I have had enough.

So, what do I do?

OP posts:

SneakyGremlins · 30/01/2019 20:54

Ignore your DH and tell her she needs to leave.

Refilona · 30/01/2019 20:56

She’s 23 and has a job. She is not anyone’s responsibility anymore. In fact, she’s not that young anymore; it’s odd she hasn’t moved out and started sharing with friends or a partner at 23. It’s very generous of you to give her 3 months notice - don’t feel bad about it.

sonjadog · 30/01/2019 20:57

Tell her to leave.

Cheerbear23 · 30/01/2019 21:00

She’s 23, this is her own issue to sort out now.

gotanysalmonsortedhahahahaha · 30/01/2019 21:00

I had a husband ,mortgage ,job ,and child by the time I was 23.i also had a shit upbringing,if you could actually call it an upbringing..she has no incentive while you mollycoddle her.

MissionItsPossible · 30/01/2019 21:00

As long as she’s a drug addict (if that is indeed the case) this situation will not change. Of course she doesn’t want to share with anyone else, because sharing with anyone else and not paying her share of the rent will see her being kicked out and made homeless. She sees you as her safety net.

Boxerbinky · 30/01/2019 21:00

Time for her to take responsibility for herself!

Dollymixture22 · 30/01/2019 21:01

This is a hard one because you as close to a mum as she has ever really had. I would struggle to throw her out, but I would also struggle to let her go on acting like this.

Could you desire her down and explain she can only live as part of your family is she lives by some basic rules - she goes to work and saves towards her gown up life? She also needs to stop setting such a bad example for the children in house. If she can’t be a civil member of the family who contributes to the household then she will be given two months to find somewhere else to live.

If you don’t intervene now she will be thirty, unemployed and still living with you.

Anonanonanariston · 30/01/2019 21:03

She's 23??!!! Crikey. Yes, very much time to leave.

Somethingsmellsnice · 30/01/2019 21:04

Tell her yes - you are correct. I am not your Mum and therefore do not have to put up with this. off you go!

Purpleartichoke · 30/01/2019 21:04

You need to kick her out. Living in your home is a privilege to help her launch successfully. She is not utilizing that privilege. She needs to go.

Original poster

RescueRemedy21 · 30/01/2019 21:05

She is 23, but she had a crap childhood, no qualifications, reading level I have realised is worse than my 12 year old. She talks and behaves like a young teen and I fear if I let her go it will be drugs, debt, and she'll end up on the streets, prison or worse. I blame my sister alot, she had no time for her, DN had no boundaries growing up, mixed with a bad crowd (who I fear she has been back in contact with since Xmas). I really thought I could set her straight, but her actions and attitude lately make me think I have not.

OP posts:

Anonanonanariston · 30/01/2019 21:05

Also, why only £250 a week? I take it she is not full time. Why not? She should be working at least 40 hours a week and saving for a rental deposit (flat share)

Purpleartichoke · 30/01/2019 21:07

I wouldn’t, but You could give her one more chance. That means she pays rent. She also turns over all but a small amount of her paycheck to you for savings. She keeps a curfew and she doesn’t miss work. If she is out of work she spends x number of hours a day searching for work. Basically you treat her like the irresponsible teenager she is choosing to be.

Anonanonanariston · 30/01/2019 21:07

You're allowing her to behave like a young teen though, doing her laundry and so on. I don't have a solution for you - I do understand your worries, but I'm aghast you are being so generous and she is treating you this way. Somehow or other that needs to be stopped or it will get worse.

barkinatthemoon · 30/01/2019 21:08

Think of it this way... you'd actually be doing her a huge favour in the long run by giving her notice to leave. As brilliant and selfless as it is that you've taken her in and helped her sort out her debt etc, which I highly commend you for, this was only ever meant to be a temporary solution, and she is a adult now, and needs to learn to take some responsibility. She needs to learn that a lack of respect has consequences, and the sooner she is forced to stand on her own 2 feet, the sooner she'll be able to actually mature into a fully functioning adult that acts responsibly and takes control of their own life. The longer you keep her under your wing, the longer this adolescent behaviour is being prolonged and ultimately, the harder she'll find growing up in the long run. My mum is constantly bailing out my older sibling and moaning about their living situation, which I'm constantly having to remind her is only still is going because of the cash she's constantly handing out to keep them afloat. It drives me crazy as if she stopped giving them money, they would HAVE to get themselves into a better situation, but she's just too kind. Sometimes you do have to be "cruel" to be kind, and in this case giving her the boot into adulthood is the kind of cruel needed.

MissionItsPossible · 30/01/2019 21:08

It’s tricky OP, it’s easy for us on here to throw a blanket ‘kick her out’ but we’re not in your personal situation, without the solidarity feeling of her being family and wanting to help her, even if I think you should kick her out too. Hope you get things sorted.

MissionItsPossible · 30/01/2019 21:09

@Anonanonanariston
Also, why only £250 a week? I take it she is not full time. Why not? She should be working at least 40 hours a week and saving for a rental deposit (flat share)

Are you deluded?

Anonanonanariston · 30/01/2019 21:09

And if you believe her behaviour is attributable to her problems growing up at the hands of your DSis then I would seek counselling for her.

Anonanonanariston · 30/01/2019 21:11

@MissionItsPossible why deluded? I worked 3 jobs at that age as I was saving up plus paying rent etc. If she's on minimum wage she is not working a full time job at £250 a week.

recrudescence · 30/01/2019 21:12

You have done your best, you really have. But there are limits and your niece has reached them ... and more.

Justajot · 30/01/2019 21:12

Your children must be seeing how she behaves and how she treats you. For their sake you need to get this fixed.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/01/2019 21:15

I suspect that booting her out will be hard to do
So start with ground rules

Respectful behaviour
Cleaning and help
Some childcare

You need to sit her down and lay it out pretty clearly . Stop doing stuff for her like immediately

She needs to realise it’s you or nothing

You can’t save her OP . Only she can and you need to have a good attempt before it
Damages your family experience

I am Sorry . Really tough one

YehUrStllADickhead · 30/01/2019 21:19

You have gone above and beyond, she's shown very little appreciation for what you've done for her. YANBU at all. And you've given her sufficient time to find her own place

EggysMom · 30/01/2019 21:25

Perhaps now you understand why your DS kicked her out a couple of years ago?

Flip

1 2 3