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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask neice to leave

72 replies

RescueRemedy21 · 30/01/2019 20:52

Have name changed as quite outing with details...

So DN is 23. Her mum (my sister, am NC) kicked her out at 18 because they kept arguing. Sister let DN down badly and she did not have a good childhood. I helped her get a flat and job and furnished it, generally kept an eye on her, over for meals etc. A year ago it came to light that she was in massive debt to banks, credit cards, friends... She had been living well beyond her means so she gave up the flat and moved in with me and my 4 kids, aged 2-12 and DH.

Once she moved in I realised the money had been going on weed and coke and God knows what else. She has been clean since living with me as far as I am aware.

But at Xmas she got back in contact with old friends, spent the entire time partying and came home drunk. We never saw her, she was either out or sleeping. This has continued most weekends since Xmas.

Over the last year I have cooked for her, washed and ironed clothes, literally everything because I am a sahm and she works.

Since Xmas she has come in late and refused to go to work because she is knackered from partying, she treats the place like a hotel. She keeps asking to borrow money but given she earns £250 a week, pays me £50... Where is all her money going?? Drugs again?

She is moody, confrontational, if I ask her to do anything I get called a nag. If I question her on anything I am told to get off her case...

I woke her for work yesterday morning (I drive her in and pick her up every day as no buses) and she started screaming at me to leave her alone and that I'm not her mum. I was really hurt. She came in from work tonight and ignored me and went into her room. I have had enough, she does nothing around the house, owes me two months house keeping, is moody with me and the kids... Living with me was meant to be temporary while she paid off debt and saved for a new place. I paid off all the debt and she has paid me back, took 6 months. Since then, six months on from that, she has not saved a penny to move out and her job is at risk because of time off with hangovers.

I have had enough, it's effecting me and the kids now and I think she needs to find a house share and move on, however she has previously said she would not want to share with anyone else and I think it's going to be hard getting her to leave without ruining our relationship. Without me she will have noone.

DH thinks I am unreasonable, that she is young and having fun and we should leave her to it, although he didn't like her shouting at me this morning. I think I should tell her she has 3 months and needs to find a place of her own. I will still support her but I have had enough.

So, what do I do?

OP posts:
Ethel36 · 30/01/2019 21:27

You've done your best and its not working out. Think of your children and how it's affecting them. Tell her she has a month to leave. She won't learn respect and responsibility by living with you pandering to her.

Caselgarcia · 30/01/2019 21:28

I would point out to her that she's obviously not happy living with you judging by her recent behaviour. You want her to be happy but equally you have your family to think of. Give her a month to find a house share.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2019 21:29

I think you have gone above and beyond for your Niece OP, but I agree it's time for her to move out Flowers

anniehm · 30/01/2019 21:31

I think you need to give a final warning and say unless things change she needs to be out by x date (perhaps Easter as that gives her time to save for a deposit). Set a series of ground rules and expectations, written down so there's no ambiguity.

Birdsgottafly · 30/01/2019 21:36

Anonanonanariston, she's under 25, so that works out at around 35 hours a week. That might be all the work that she can find.

OP, as said, it's time to get tough. As much for her sake as yours. This is doing her no good and your hitting 30 as soon as you know it, with no plans in place.

iamyourequal · 30/01/2019 21:37

@Anonanonanariston.
You are wrong. Full time ‘40 hour’ jobs are usually actually 35 hours per week as most people are not paid their lunch break. The DH is only 23 years old, so minimum wage for her is £7.38:
7.38 x 35 = approx £258 per week.

OnTheHop · 30/01/2019 21:37

I would sit her down and say things need to change and you are absolutely serious.

Tell her that you think she had a bad start but you believe in her and want her to make ghetto best of her life and be happy. Tell her you want to support her, and care about her. However, she is an adult and you are not her servant. And you would like her to be an adult team member in the household. So: contribution to costs, some household jobs (ask what she would like to take on).

However, make it clear that if she is ever rude to you like that again and fails to act as an adult member of the household, she needs to move out.

OnTheHop · 30/01/2019 21:38

No idea how ‘ghetto’ got in there!

Anonanonanariston · 30/01/2019 21:41

@iamyourequal I stand corrected. My apologies.

BrokenWing · 30/01/2019 21:42

If she was trying really hard and struggling is say yabu, but she needs a bit of a reality check. Lay down your bounderies for her staying and tell her if it continues she's out, and do it.

Take more rent (save it for her if you want), there are kids in the house so she keeps reasonable hours on school nights, she goes to work, she helps around house takes care of her own laundry (the devil makes work for idle hands), she shows you, your home and your family respect and frankly gratitude for taking her into your family home. Any inkling of drugs she is out.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/01/2019 21:47

I would lay down some ground rules if you're not ready to kick her out yet. Very clear, write them down and then you have very clear reasons why it isn't working out, that she is 100% aware of. Not that you need to, but it can be helpful to remind yourself that she's doing this to herself, not you.

Lots of examples above; paying housekeeping on time, cooking for the family one/two night(s) a week, ensuring her things don't clutter up the house (e.g dirty dishes sorted, washing removed promptly). I would stop doing her laundry and only include her in meals if that has been agreed and that she'll be home for the meal. If not, don't include or freeze 'her' portion for another day. She's not going to be successful in a house share if she can't do her own cooking and laundry.

Ultimately you might need to ask her to leave, but you have got to think of your own children, DH and yourself. She doesn't get to live in your house at the expense of everyone else.

Ngaio2 · 30/01/2019 21:48

OP if she is using drugs she will not mature. The depressing fact is that you can give all the support in the world to young people but if they’ve been using since their early or mid teens they will be developmentally “stuck” and unable to achieve a sense of identity, plan for the future etc. Time alone will not prepare your DN to lead a responsible adult life.

Chickychoccyegg · 30/01/2019 21:49

you need to have a serious chat with her.
either a deadline for moving out or some house rules: pay rent, help round house, including laundry, some cooking etc.
she is acting like a kid, and at 23 the way she's talking to and treating you is ridiculous

Shikah · 30/01/2019 21:52

I'd give her an ultimatum. Shape up or ship out.

lalalalyra · 30/01/2019 21:52

I'd be sitting her down and giving her a choice. Either she leaves or she winds her neck in. No speaking to you like shit, pulling her weight in the house and sorting herself out. If she doesn't like it she can leave.

RMA35 · 30/01/2019 22:00

It won't be as easy as many of the other posters suggestions of 'kicking her out' but as you care for her and want to try and help her grow up and lead a 'good' life, it might be worth trying again to engage with her and get her to open up. If you can get her to talk in a non-confrontational way, you may find out what's changed, if she thinks she is happy, what will be the result of losing her job and what she wants from the future. Even though she's 23, I get the feeling from your posts that you realise she hasn't the maturity you'd expect from someone that ag who had a more nurturing childhood so she might need you to help her think things through or understand what's happening. Good luck.

lerrimknowyouretheyir · 30/01/2019 22:12

There really is no compassion in AIBU is there? In my world 23 is still a "young girl".
That said, you're enabling her by letting her treat you as a hotel. You wouldn't put up with it from your own children presumably although cutting her some slack for her less than idyllic childhood is one thing, being a doormat is quite another.
I'd start with a few ground rules and some firm boundaries (eg not sleeping all day, cooking dinner for the family once per week, helping around the house etc, respecting the rest of the family etc.) and see how you get on from there.
Good luck, it can't be easy and you sound like a saint!

iamyourequal · 30/01/2019 22:23

Anonanonanariston. No need for apologiseSmile. It’s just there really are a lot of people out there working full time for very limited returns.

HeronLanyon · 30/01/2019 22:27

She works and is old enough to live independently. She is making your household miserable. I personally would give her 3 months as you have suggested to find somewhere. You have been such a good aunt well done. Time has come to say ‘enough’.

moofolk · 30/01/2019 22:32

I see why you wouldn't want to kick her out. It's easy to say that on a forum but when you know she would not look after herself (yes, even if it's her own fault) then of course you want to do right by her.

But it can't go on forever.

I would have strict words and lay down some ground rules. Obviously she's been going through some stuff and has had a tough time. Yes she's also been enjoying herself a bit too much on the face of it but that also takes its toll.

Sit down with DP and decide what would be workable in order for her to stay (more housekeeping, pulling her weight, being respectful), and then the pair of you sit her down for A Chat. If she can see you are serious (it's xyz or you are out of here in three months), hopefully she will buckle up and knuckle down. If not then you know you tried, were fair and explicit in what you expected.

Good luck.

Anonanonanariston · 30/01/2019 22:35

@iamyourequal I know! And I was one once, but it was a long time ago and I guess it's easy to forget. I was very lucky to live in a town so could work at the supermarket, weekends at the pub and a handful of mornings doing a cleaning job and could walk to them all. The opportunities were more plentiful then than now, I know. I think it's bonkers a 23 year old should be on a lower min wage rate. That's full on adulthood, so it makes no sense.

Jux · 30/01/2019 22:40

I agree with other that 23 is still pretty young, so I wouldn't kick her out just yet. I would set ground rules and firm boundaries and make her take more responsibility for herself. That's helping her.

If she wants the freedom that comes with aduthood, she needs to act like an adult. If she doesn't shape up sharpish then I'd consider giving her the boot.

Be firm about the rules you set for her. Stop molly-coddling her and doing her laundry and ironing for a start.

HeronLanyon · 30/01/2019 22:47

Actually agree with jux and moo rather than mymslightly harder line above. Had not quite realised her risk of returning to problems with alcohol/debt etc. Just take care to have some heft behind the words and clear consequences if it doesn’t get better. Good luck op. What a lovely caring set up you’ve given her for so long.

Justaboy · 30/01/2019 23:09

I very much suspcet she is doing drugs, may not be a lot but it will be there. Its very good of you to put up with her and give her the only stability she has but see if you can get a trained profesional counseller in to help her sort herself out. I fear that if she is kicked out then her life will be on a downhill slope sad to say.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 30/01/2019 23:27

You've had tonnes of advice already on how to move forward and I can absolutely understand you not wanting to kick her out and feeling torn.

I think talking to AdFam might help you.

As a pp said, counselling might help but she might need a Counsellor who specialises in addiction.

Perhaps giving her 3 months with some of the rules suggested will help you all move forward and arranging the counselling and I'd also suggest she gets another job on top of the one she has.

Can you help her with her reading ability too? Does she have Maths & English GCSEs?

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