To ask neice to leave

[RescueRemedy21]

Have name changed as quite outing with details...

So DN is 23. Her mum (my sister, am NC) kicked her out at 18 because they kept arguing. Sister let DN down badly and she did not have a good childhood. I helped her get a flat and job and furnished it, generally kept an eye on her, over for meals etc. A year ago it came to light that she was in massive debt to banks, credit cards, friends... She had been living well beyond her means so she gave up the flat and moved in with me and my 4 kids, aged 2-12 and DH.

Once she moved in I realised the money had been going on weed and coke and God knows what else. She has been clean since living with me as far as I am aware.

But at Xmas she got back in contact with old friends, spent the entire time partying and came home drunk. We never saw her, she was either out or sleeping. This has continued most weekends since Xmas.

Over the last year I have cooked for her, washed and ironed clothes, literally everything because I am a sahm and she works.

Since Xmas she has come in late and refused to go to work because she is knackered from partying, she treats the place like a hotel. She keeps asking to borrow money but given she earns £250 a week, pays me £50... Where is all her money going?? Drugs again?

She is moody, confrontational, if I ask her to do anything I get called a nag. If I question her on anything I am told to get off her case...

I woke her for work yesterday morning (I drive her in and pick her up every day as no buses) and she started screaming at me to leave her alone and that I'm not her mum. I was really hurt. She came in from work tonight and ignored me and went into her room. I have had enough, she does nothing around the house, owes me two months house keeping, is moody with me and the kids... Living with me was meant to be temporary while she paid off debt and saved for a new place. I paid off all the debt and she has paid me back, took 6 months. Since then, six months on from that, she has not saved a penny to move out and her job is at risk because of time off with hangovers.

I have had enough, it's effecting me and the kids now and I think she needs to find a house share and move on, however she has previously said she would not want to share with anyone else and I think it's going to be hard getting her to leave without ruining our relationship. Without me she will have noone.

DH thinks I am unreasonable, that she is young and having fun and we should leave her to it, although he didn't like her shouting at me this morning. I think I should tell her she has 3 months and needs to find a place of her own. I will still support her but I have had enough.

So, what do I do?

I think giving three months notice isn’t exactly kicking her out. You could use that three months to support her move towards independence rather than just completely remove support overnight. She needs to be more respectful for a start.

💐🍰 you deserve both, and more.

I wouldn’t kick her out, I couldn’t, I’d be too worried about her ending up in a really bad place (drugs & prostitution).

I would treat her like my own and rather than treat her like a 23yo, I’d treat her the age she is mentally at - which sounds about 16/17.

I would tell her that given she’s not saving as per the agreement, that you will set up a savings account that requires two signatures to take any money out and every pay day x is automatically transferred to it (x - probably the amount she was able to repay you) and y is transferred to you for her keep.

Tell her that as a member of the family she needs to do her share around the house and discuss what you would like her to do.

Tell her that as a member of the family she is expected home every night, if she’s going to be later than x or not coming home she needs to phone or text to let you know.

Tell her that as a member of the family you exoect basic courtesy to everyone in the family.

Do you see the pattern there? She IS a member of the family, you love her, but she needs to act like a member of the family.

Good luck.

OP this is a really difficult situation and you sound like such a kind and loving person to have helped so much.

To be honest, her behavior sounds similar to my own at about the same age when I was very depressed: I used drink and drugs to escape from unhappiness. Kicking her out won't fix that, it'll only make it worse.

This is a tricky one because she has to want to help herself, she has to feel enabled and safe so she no longer wants to use or hang around with the wrong crowd.

She must have had a lot to deal with when it comes to her mum, has she had counseling?

I think she'll end up in a much worse place if you kick her out but you really have to prioritize your own family. I'm sure you already do this, but make sure she knows she's got a solid and reliable friend in you, make sure she knows you're on her side. Could you get her to open up to you?

I think I would give a final ultimatum she sorts out her work no more hangovers and not going in. Engaging with a support service as mentioned before and paying her keep say you can decide the most appropriate at the time. I wouldn't give a long time frame though I agree mentally she seems much younger I would give her 2 weeks. If no improvement she's out. If some maybe extend the probation period and carry on like that till she either improves or breaks a rule. You need to be prepared to follow through though.

I think @iloveautumnleaves has a good set of rules there, and is right about her being developmentally stuck in the teen stage. I don't think it's uncommon, and it's not her fault per se, but she is very lucky to have you to help her get out of it. She is essentially starting from scratch in knowing how to take care of herself, how to budget, and how to live in a family.

If she doesn't have Maths and English GCSEs, those would be a good thing to add to the list if it can be fitted around her hours. I believe you can some funding towards those if you're under 23. She will be too late to sit this year's exams, but could enroll for September. I would prioritise counselling first and foremost, though, particularly with regards to the drugs. There's always much more temptation in summer time when the nights out drinking are longer and everyone's lazing around.

3 months (starting til Feb) gives her til April. If she sticks to whatever you agree she could have a fair bit of money saved up by then.

You're enabling her. I had a shit upbrininging, no support, no qualifications. But by 23 I had gotten my shit together. There are no excuses except that she is being allowed to continue that lifestyle. She is going to be a detriment to your own childrens upbringing, why is that not at the forrfront of your mind. Tell her to buck up or get out.

You need to think about the effect on your own children. Do you want them to witness this type of behaviour? Do you want them to share a house with someone who might potentially be brining drugs into it? She needs to shape up or ship out. Give her an ultimatum, not notice, but make it very clear it’s her last chance.

Sorry but I do think you are enabling her too. Do talk to her though as suggested many times. Give her one more chance to sort her shot out but it's a sad fact that many addicts have to hit rock bottom before they even think about changing.

*bringing

Is this a wind up? Get her out on her ear the piss taking CF

You have to get her to leave. She is not your responsibility and the time and worry you are expending on her should be going on your own children. Enough is enough. Ignore your DH (does he fancy her?) and tell her to go.

do eally what your suggesting.click clearly damaged family out when they need them because they are being a dick.
I couldn't.and wouldn't until id tried all else.
have a blody good chat yes.be firm.which believe op hasn't managed to be.this girl is being an ars but she isn't being told to do othrwsie either so its self fulfilling.
but could she turn her life around.maybe.has she ever had help to do this.not yet it seems.
so id give her a chance.but do it by being that mother figure and laying down the law.

Now you've had chance to sleep on it OP, have you decided what you're going to do?

Knowing how hard it is for young people to get places to rent, even if they have good refs and a deposit, I'd be very reluctant to say chuck her out. But then I know how difficult it is to get young people to change their behaviour when they're having fun.

She sounds very like one of DPs nieces, whose mother chucked her out for bad behaviour and who went through rounds of staying with various family members, sharing, renting and even a year of staying in a grandparent's home, rent-free, after the GP had moved into a care home.

Despite all the help and support she's had, she's now homeless (sofa-surfing), in terrible debt and has finally lost the well-paid job she had. She blew her redundancy money on drugs, clothes and holidays.

She's 33 now and still living like an irresponsible teen. I have no idea what makes some people change their partying lifestyle (I and most of my friends were wild in our late teens/early 20's, but we were all models of respectability by the time we hit 30) and some to just carry on with it.

I hope she manages to turn her life around, OP, but you really have gone above and beyond what most people would do and I wouldn't blame you at all if decided that you couldn't do any more for her.

If you tell her she needs to be saving up for a deposit and looking at what is available it may shake her into being a bit more responsible and keeping her job.

If she continues down her current path she will lose that job and then what? She stays with you till when? How easy would it be for her to get another job when her reference would be shit?

I would give her a deadline to be honest.

There is a great deal of difference between having fun and still acting like a decent human being. How dare she talk to you like dirt when you are as she so honestly put it not her Mum. She should be falling over herself with gratitude for your generosity.

She just may be one of those people who never grows up. I would get her out in the next 6 months. Look at house shares so you know how much she needs to save.

I would sit her down and tell her straight and if she doesn't want to listen tell her she has 2 weeks to find somewhere else to stay, if she agrees to sit down and talk tell her that you have given her the opportunity to create herself a nice life and she is now taking advantage of that and its effecting you & your family and if it doesn't change she will have to leave.

I think you have two choices here - either throw her out or take charge of her funds.

You're not helping her by letting her act like this

Thanks for all the replies.

To be clear, she has never taken drugs since moving in with me, and everything was going well until Christmas.
I think she was lonely and as she doesn't appear to have made any new friends she went back to the old lot who are a bad bunch.
I have no proof she has taken anything illegal, I'm just concerned as change in attitude and no money.

I would never throw her out onto the streets, I would make sure she has somewhere decent etc, but I don't honestly think she will cope right now.

She came in at 2am this morning drunk. I woke her this morning for work and she said she wasn't going so I got tough and told her she is going, she has already has so much time off... She took notice and got up and I drove her to work but she didn't say a word.

I am going to talk to her tonight, and tell her she has to be home by 11 on work nights, go to work, pay her keep and be respectful. I have no issue with her having a good time but she has to live within our rules.

My children all adore her, and she felt like part of the family until Xmas.

Depending on how she responds, I am happy for her to stay if she starts behaving.
I had planned to finance driving lessons for her this year and want to encourage her to return to education through an evening course, but that will only be possible if she is willing to agree to my terms.

Will take it one step at a time and speak to her tonight.

She's 23, not 13 - she has a job and is responsible for her own actions. I'd sit down with her - make an appointment if she yells at you - explain calmly how coming to live with you was a stop gap to sort herself out but she seems to have backslid and is causing issues for your family unit. As she's now in a solvent position, she needs to take ownership of her own actions and sort out her own independent living arrangements.

She’s 23! Why on earth are you getting her up for work every morning? If she doesn’t go to work she will lose her job and her money. Then she’ll be forced to stay at home and quit hard turkey whatever it is she’s taking. It’s a hard but obvious life lesson to learn. Work = money and freedom.

I’d be really concerned about the effect her behaviour will start to have on your children.

RescueRemedy21

I think your very kind and caring and above all else humane too.

Pity there aren't a few more around in the world like you:)

Best of luck in your quest to get her life sorted!.

I know what you are saying but basically if I don't get her up and take her to work she won't go, and if she loses her job she will have no chance of saving to move out and will be here forever. I pulled in a favour to get her this job as well and it's embarrassing if she messes up. Also no income for her means I lose my £50 a week which covers her food (breakfast, pack lunch, dinner and snacks).
And if she loses her job she will struggle to get another one, and will have no purpose and things will spiral.