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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still feel bitter about this? And how do I move past it?

54 replies

FeelingBitterr · 30/01/2019 20:23

DH & I have been married 8 years. I was 22 when we got married.

Basically, on the wedding day, guests were putting all our cards and gifts over on a table. The following morning, I was looking forward to sitting and opening all our gifts and presents with DH.

BIL came into our room and handed us all of our OPEN wedding cards and a bag full of cash & vouchers! To say my blood was boiling was a huge understatement.

BIL, FIL & MIL opened all of our wedding cards before the meal. Apparently this is tradition so that the best man can choose cards to read out in his speech.

Basically, at the time I completely bit my tongue. Lots of family members were in our room at the time and although I was raging, I knew there was nothing I could do to change it and I didn't want it to spoil the day.

Literally 8 years on and this makes me so upset every time it pops into my head. I never ever knew who got us what and couldn't properly thank people.

I also am quite sentimental and would have used certain money to buy things that I'd remember as being from that person.
DH and I aren't really blessed in the parents department. On both sides, they always try to make our happy occasions more about them than us and cause us a lot of upset when trying to plan things and this is just another moment of happiness that they have taken away from us.

AIBU to still be upset about this, and how can I move on without feeling this bitterness towards them?

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 30/01/2019 20:27

Not AIBU to be upset still.
However, the bitterness hurts you and your DH, no one else.
Forgive them and let it go.
Focus on the happy moments of your wedding.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2019 20:27

Since when is it "tradition" to open the bride and groom's cards before they have a chance to see them? I have never heard of such a thing in my life. I would have been raging, too, but this many years on the only person you're punishing with all this resentment is yourself. There's nothing to do except make a conscious decision to just let it go. It happened and can't be undone.

AGHHHH · 30/01/2019 20:28

Yabu I'd be fucked off.

AGHHHH · 30/01/2019 20:29

Yanbu *

starshollow1 · 30/01/2019 20:35

I don't have advice on how to get over it I'm afraid but wanted to agree YANBU. What bastards.

Original poster
FeelingBitterr · 30/01/2019 20:51

Honestly it still really makes my blood boil 😩 I hate being bitter and I know I'm just punishing myself. I sort of hate that I've never confronted them about it. It just bubbles away inside which I think is worse.

OP posts:
Ladyoftheloch · 30/01/2019 20:54

eight years is a long time to be holding on to this OP! I agree it was a very weird thing to do but it’s time to let go. I would try to accept at face value that they were intending it as a nice gesture, because they wanted that personal and inclusive touch in the speeches. Try to see it as well-meant, albeit totally misguided.

ladyratterley · 30/01/2019 20:55

I’ve never heard of that tradition! I would have been fuming, but I think I’d have said something at the time. Did you speak about it at all?

Original poster
FeelingBitterr · 30/01/2019 20:57

I didn't say anything at the time because we went straight on honeymoon and immediately after honeymoon we moved abroad. It upsets me now far more than it does my husband. I just get so upset every time it pops into my head.

OP posts:
IncomingCannonFire · 30/01/2019 21:00

So did bit use any of the cards in the speech? I need to know more about this made up tradition. Have they done it at other weddings?
I would have been aghast.
But, it was 8years ago. You need to find a way to let this go because it is only harming yourself.
Perhaps counselling or talk it over with dh or relative on your side?

Livelovebehappy · 30/01/2019 21:02

I wouldn’t be wasting anymore energy on this tbh. You can’t change things that have already happened. The time for confronting them has been and gone. Move on.

Original poster
FeelingBitterr · 30/01/2019 21:09

BIL read out 2 of the cards during the speech. I wrongly assumed they must have opened 2 cards.

OP posts:
ElvisParsley · 30/01/2019 21:13

I think he was getting confused with telegrams. In my parents era (they got married in 1963) and before, people who couldn’t make a wedding sent a telegram. The best man would read these out. Did your MIL tell him to do this, out of some sort of misplaced view that this was the new equivalent?

Opening cards etc was just plain wrong, but you do need to let it go now.

AnotherRoadsideAttraction · 30/01/2019 21:25

Ugh. I totally understand how you still feel bothered by this. FYI, they were TOTALLY in the wrong!

I have a similar situation. Over a decade later and I'm still irked that DSS's mum took him out of the country (on an unplanned holiday) the day that his very first sibling was born...not nice. Because of this he had to wait 3 days to meet the baby and sweet sensitive young man that he is he still talks about being sad that he missed getting to meet his first brother on the day he was born. Angry It's so frustrating when family members take away your options!!

That said, I try not to dwell on it and we've done lots of things to make up for the lost experience. Try to let it go - at this point it's only hurting you.

Guineapiglet345 · 30/01/2019 21:26

But surely the cards would just say generic things like “wishing you many years of happiness” etc. You’re hardly going to write anything worth reading out in a wedding card, especially if you’re there in person on the day.

It was very selfish of him, I’m not surprised it upset you.

Next time you see him do something selfish back like eating all the crisps in his house or ‘accidentally’ breaking his toilet seat then you might feel better Grin

Claudia1980 · 30/01/2019 21:28

YANBU! That is awful. I’d be most upset like you were, that you could properly thank people because you had no idea who bought what! I’ve never heard of this tradition.

KarmaStar · 30/01/2019 21:32

Hello OP,I'm not surprised you were and are still angry.
As pm have said,it's time enough to let it go now.
Write it all down as if in a letter to the pil and bil ,everything,your anger,resentment etc.
Then once it's all out.burn the letter.watch the flames eat up the bitterness and when all the paper has been burnt to ash it will take the negativity with it.Flowers

ladyratterley · 30/01/2019 21:32

I think it’s too far in the past to do anything about it now. You do need to move on, but I don’t have any advice regarding how to do that I’m afraid.

What they did was fucking idiotic. They could have at least put the money and vouchers back in the correct envelopes.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 30/01/2019 21:41

I don’t think this was done out of malice, as ElvisParsley said, I think they’ve misunderstood an old tradition. I’ve been to a couple of weddings where they’ve done an updated version of this (they’ve never opened cards mind!)

I totally understand why you’re upset. I would be too. But can you try to reframe how you look at it? They wanted to make the speech moving a memorable, they wanted you to be happy. Yes it was misguided, inappropriate and quite frankly weird, but their hearts were in the right place.

EggysMom · 30/01/2019 21:44

It was eight years ago. Your bitterness is only hurting you, not those who did it to you. It's time to let it go ...

CallMeVito · 30/01/2019 21:52

I think it's a horribly shitty thing to do, and I would be raging too.

I can't even stand people reading cards not addressed to them but displayed in somebody's house - but opening them!

It's true though, you being angry today by it only hurts you, it doesn't affect the turd one bit. He (or they, as they were several of them) have no clue and probably completely forgot about it.

Let it go. Just decide not to make them any favour ever, so the day they ask you for something, they can just fuck off. In the meantime, move on, and if it makes your DH happy to still see them, do it for me. The best way to move on is to spend as little time as possible with them, and completely forget about them the rest of the year.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2019 01:26

I'm a bit concerned that you are unable to see the bigger picture. Yes, what they did was obnoxious and way out of bounds, but your wedding wasn't ruined. No one died. No one lost a limb. People all over the world every day suffer unspeakable and horrific tragedies. This was NOT a tragedy. You seem unable to put this event into perspective which is not healthy. Your level of victim mentality is off the charts for something so insignificant and minor. Why?

Mrsbird311 · 31/01/2019 01:36

I don’t get the forget it and move on mentality, what they did was awful, I think you should tell them, you don’t have to make a big scene but say how you feel, how shocked you were and how you are still furious about it and can’t imagine why they thought it was ok to do it, there is no such tradition, they were body and wanted to see what you got!! I’d also tell any guests what happened if you are still close to them, or put a post on Facebook similar to the one you put here, theses are your feelings and you don’t have to dismiss them . Better a few minutes of discomfort than a lifetime of resentment. Do it, they need telling , cheeky fuckers!!!

SilverBirchTree · 31/01/2019 01:47

Wow wtf were they thinking? I'd be pissed off too, and I probably would have reacted as you did- keeping the peace because it had happened already and you didn't want a scene or whatever.

I totally get how frustrating that must be, and maybe it's harder to move on because you never told them it wasn't ok.

Does writing it here help? Or venting to a friend or something? I just wonder if you need to do something tangible in order to let it go.

Agree with PPs that it's only hurting you at 8 years later so best for you to forgive.

CinnabarRed · 31/01/2019 01:53

I’m going against the grain because this really wouldn’t have bothered me beyond a momentary flash of irritation on the day itself, let alone 8 years later.

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