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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to still feel bitter about this? And how do I move past it?

54 replies

FeelingBitterr · 30/01/2019 20:23

DH & I have been married 8 years. I was 22 when we got married.

Basically, on the wedding day, guests were putting all our cards and gifts over on a table. The following morning, I was looking forward to sitting and opening all our gifts and presents with DH.

BIL came into our room and handed us all of our OPEN wedding cards and a bag full of cash & vouchers! To say my blood was boiling was a huge understatement.

BIL, FIL & MIL opened all of our wedding cards before the meal. Apparently this is tradition so that the best man can choose cards to read out in his speech.

Basically, at the time I completely bit my tongue. Lots of family members were in our room at the time and although I was raging, I knew there was nothing I could do to change it and I didn't want it to spoil the day.

Literally 8 years on and this makes me so upset every time it pops into my head. I never ever knew who got us what and couldn't properly thank people.

I also am quite sentimental and would have used certain money to buy things that I'd remember as being from that person.
DH and I aren't really blessed in the parents department. On both sides, they always try to make our happy occasions more about them than us and cause us a lot of upset when trying to plan things and this is just another moment of happiness that they have taken away from us.

AIBU to still be upset about this, and how can I move on without feeling this bitterness towards them?

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheSidelines · 31/01/2019 02:04

A bit passive aggressive perhaps, but if you feel you need to get it off your chest, you could wait until the next family wedding and volunteer to guard the cards and gifts "as I would hate for what happened to us, happen to you".

IAmNotAWitch · 31/01/2019 02:09

I have been married 20+ years and I am STILL pissed of with DH's cousin who used the disposable camera put on their table to take photos of the food instead of the other guests.

He thought it would be "funny".

I haven't actually seen him in almost that long. Not specifically because of this, but because he is a twat generally and I don't waste my time on people I don't like.

Maybe you need to have a think about how much headspace and time you are giving these people?

SilverBirchTree · 31/01/2019 03:45

@IAmNotAWitch wow what a twat!

I had a cousin do something similar.

Instead of hiring a photographer we took a budget option and had a Polaroid camera and rolls of (expensive and limited!) film out for guests to take a photo of themselves and stick in an album.

The camera was 'missing' for half the wedding and then there wasn't enough film for everyone.

We later learned that my cousin had taken the camera to her table and snapped rolls and rolls of photos of her kids in their finery. I was pretty unimpressed when I went to her house a year later and saw her fridge doors literally covered with the film I had hoped would be our wedding album.

GnomeDePlume · 31/01/2019 04:14

You say that PIL (and Parents) are self centred in other ways? Is it that what they did with the wedding cards is the perfect exemplar of this thoughtless and self-centred behaviour? What happens if you tell them to stop making something all about them and to consider other people's wants or feelings?

Or dont you feel you can?

rainbowstardrops · 31/01/2019 04:16

Oh my word, what cheeky buggers!!!
It's one thing if they got a little muddled with tradition but why on earth didn't they leave the money/vouchers in each envelope???!!!
I'd have been fuming! I would also have made that know to them at the time.
Why on earth have you left it 8 years????

Dafspunk · 31/01/2019 04:24

I think the only way to get over this is continue to bubble away until BIL/PIL does something fairly innocuous like not hear you when you ask them to pass the salt and then explode - have a massive rant about those selfish fuckers opening your wedding cards 8 years ago, let rip with a few choice swears, maybe punctuate with some broken plates then round off with any other grievances you’ve been harbouring about each of them.

Finish with a very British ‘right then, who’s for pudding?’

MaggieAndHopey · 31/01/2019 04:46

I think you should try to get over this. It was an odd thing to do but presumably wasn't done in bad faith. If you're not prepared to raise it with your BIL then you are torturing yourself to no good purpose - he is blissfully unaware of the effect of his thoughtless behaviour.

midsummabreak · 31/01/2019 05:23

Wouldn't the wedding guests be surprised to know that the in laws opened all the bride and groom's presents, and cards, without the bride and groom? Or were you the only one they forgot to tell of the tradition?
But others are right, cast all negative feelings of this occassion to the wind, it has indeed been and go e, and not worth allowing you to become bitter and twisted.

PregnantSea · 31/01/2019 06:18

What they did is extremely rude and I'm not surprised you were pissed off - I'd have been fuming!! That's bang out of order.

However... This was 8 years ago. At this point holding onto this anger is only hurting you. I would suggest that every time it pops into your head, you replace the thought with something wonderful, like the moment he proposed, or the birth of your first child, or whatever it is that makes you feel happy. No good comes from you holding onto anger x

Devilishpyjamas · 31/01/2019 06:28

8 years is a long time to be holding onto this. You need to let it go. Find some perspective. Yes it was rude and annoying but no-one else in the world (except maybe your dh) will even remember. Your IL’s certainly won’t. If you tried to bring it up they probably wouldn’t have a clue what you were talking about.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 31/01/2019 06:35

You sound very melodramatic. As others have said, this would be irritating at the time, possibly a dinner party anecdote about the in-laws - but to be festering inside on it, after 8 years?

Zoflorabore · 31/01/2019 06:37

My dearly departed dgm used to talk a load of crap sometimes but now and again she came out with a gem.

This is one relevant to you op and makes so much sense- "bitterness shows in your face"
And it's true.

In order to move on you've got to do one of two things.
1- get it off your chest to those involved.
2- drop in and move on with your life.

Whilst it is wrong and I totally agree with you, is it really worth upsetting yourself over after 8 years? It must be mentally draining and can't be doing you any good at all.
Easier said than done i know but this is going to eat away at you forever if you don't deal with it now.

FluffyMcCloud · 31/01/2019 06:42

I got married 15 years ago and there are still things that my inlaws did which really annoy me if I think about them! You gotta let it go though, let it become a “you think your inlaws are bad?” anecdote that you tell friends and laugh at their shocked reaction.
My inlaws are horrible. Not evil, just selfish and rubbish. They never killed anyone but they’ve done a lot of not very nice things. It’s hard to let things go, I get it.

punishmepunisher · 31/01/2019 06:44

In what culture is that tradition?

BlancheM · 31/01/2019 06:48

Yanbu. How disgusting. I'd have sent round thank you cards to all guests to express appreciation but apologising for the generic thank you, as sadly your in-laws rifled through all your cards and gifts.
Tradition my arse.

MoreCheeseDear · 31/01/2019 06:56

But it is tradition for the best man to read out messages from people who couldn't attend. It happens at every wedding I got to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/01/2019 06:57

YANBU to be angry. As pps have said you are now only hurting yourself. For your own wellbeing you need to find a way to forgive them and move past this.

Did your bil marry? I hope his cards were / will be raided.

creamcheeseandlox · 31/01/2019 06:59

I would be fuming too but it's a bit late now. Why didn't you deal with it after the wedding instead of letting it go at the time. I would be most angry at not knowing what individual people got you and the dick BIL who thinks he is obviously more important than you. Is he still like this?

MoreCheeseDear · 31/01/2019 07:03

Having said that, they really shouldn't have opened the presents. Weird behaviour.

pineapplebryanbrown · 31/01/2019 07:04

I suspect your in laws trample your boundaries frequently which is what is stoking your anger. I would feel the same as you and I would also not have said anything at the time. Then simmered silently.

I was once so very angry at something that it was ruining my life and I couldn't sleep or think of anything else. I was truly frightened that i would attack the person and end up in jail. So much worse than you.

I thought the letter writing thing was bs but tried it anyway. I handwrote 4 pages of vitriol, read it a couple of times then ripped it up. It truly did work.

Can you guess it was an ex i was mad at? I never spoke of him again after I wrote the letter.

Luzina · 31/01/2019 07:05

You were definitely not unreasonably angry at the time, but (as you've said yourself) you need to move on. Its not worth confronting them about it now, they probably don't even remember. You can choose to move past this. And if you really can't, maybe get some counselling to talk it through.

MyFriendGoo5 · 31/01/2019 07:07

Op.

You seriously need to let this one Go, most people would be mildly irritated by it and then move on. Holding onto bitterness and resentment over it for 8 years is just not normal or healthy.

It really isn't. And can't be nice for your husband either. It's annoying, but didn't hurt anyone at the end of the day.

Partylikeits2019 · 31/01/2019 07:18

YANBU!

I was at a wedding once when they did this! They had asked for cash and someone went through in the corner and put all the cash in a giant pile. I felt really off about it but couldn't quite articulate why.

I was also a bridesmaid once where we were told to open presents but were very careful to match the card with the gift, and even that I didn't feel comfy with but was under instruction.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 31/01/2019 07:23

Let it go... seriously it was 8 years ago, no malice or anything, just a simple tradition (hopefully notnused anymore)

Birdie6 · 31/01/2019 07:29

As the "old lady " in the conversation, I'd say that this used to be a tradition a long time ago, when all wedding gifts were actual items, like sets of glasses and toasters. I remember being a bridesmaid in the 70's and one of our jobs was to open all the gifts, stick the card back onto the gift , and then display everything on a table for everyone to go and admire. So yes it was a tradition, but NOT since the giving of money became the normal thing. Opening money and putting it into a big pile so you don't know "who gave what" was very rude.

But it's been 8 years. Maybe time to get over it and move on.

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