At my wits end with DD(10)

[Stcolumba]

First time poster with 3 DC (DD10, DS8 and DD 3) and loving DH.
For many years our DD10’s behaviour at home has been difficult to say the least. Her temper tantrums would melt an iceberg - full on screaming, swearing, slamming doors, lashing out. They probably happen about once a week but are getting increasingly severe. Her tantrums can be triggered by quite minor issues, but often are a reaction to having her phone confiscated for a more minor transgression.
Anyway, today was probably one of the worst days of my life. She got in a rage in the car while she was in the passenger seat with younger DC in backseats. She was whacking me while I was driving. I got really angry (I know, I know but please bear in mind this has been going on for years) and said I was driving to the local police station because she had assaulted me. Might sound a bit dramatic but I wanted her to understand how serious it was and utterly unacceptable. She went mental and pulled the steering wheel. Nothing happened and I managed to correct it but I was really shaken. My DS was hysterical thinking we all could have been killed. Anyway I pulled over and took her out the car so she could swap seats with DS as I didn’t feel safe with her sitting in the front. Her shoes fell off in the kerfuffle and she was literally standing at the side of the road screaming with no shoes on. Other DC hysterical too and me rapidly losing it.
I really don’t know what to do about her. We’ve tried the positive parenting approach, we’ve tried a lengthy lists of punishments. She just really does not give a shit about any of us. She behaves exactly the same way with DH. She constantly says that she wants to die because her life is so awful (in fact she’s got a v comfortable life). She has no close friends and no hobbies (another source of fights). We have really tried to help with those but she doesn’t want to do ANYTHING. Her behaviour at school and with other adults eg GPs is impeccable so no general behavioural issue. I think she needs some sort of anger management counselling but I honestly don’t know how I’d even get her through the door because she would go crazy if we suggested it. Our other DC are lovely, well behaved and well balanced young people but I worry about the impact this behaviour is having on them. Help!

What have the school said about her behaviour? I'd recommend being really honest with them about the level of outbursts and violence and pushing for outside help. The isolation (no friends, no hobbies) could be contributing but also just a result of her limiting everything as her mental health is suffering. It must be very stressful for you all but it needs maximum input now before she is at secondary school and hormones get blamed for everything.

I actually found parenting advice with my very similar DD helped massively.BUT it was from a family therapist and individually tailored to my very strong willed child.Her self esteem was in her boots from her meltdowns and our relationship was suffering.Her sister is a model child and responded well to 'normal'parenting techniques.Plus I'd got so scared of her kicking off I'd started to give in or not set limits.I honestly thought she had aspergers. Putting in clear,firm boundaries and giving her choices within these helped.Not engaging when she was freaking out but making it clear I was there for her when she was calm (hard when they are hanging off you screaming),giving her 3 choices for almost everything,discussing consequences when she was calm and 1:1 time have made me realise I just needed to parent her differently.Oh...and never giving in and sticking to the boundaries wven if she screams at me.I found a great mother and daughter journal we do together on Amazon which is helping our relationship.God it's been hard but I'm pleased I didn't seek a diagnoses before getting some help with my approach to her first.Its saved our relationship and is so much happier and better at managing her emotions and being empathetic.If you can afford it I recommend findinga private family therapist even for just 2 sessions.But act now before she gets any older.Good luck.

I hope you're OK, OP. I'm aware the thread may have gone in a diff direction, which may have been alarming.

Whether or not its ideal for a 10 year old to have a phone that just isn't a sufficient explanation for her behaviour. I also doubt it's just down to bad parenting. I would push for a referral from my GP. There is almost certainly some underlying cause to this behavior. She sounds depressed and /or anxious which in itself probably would have an underlying cause. It sounds awful for all of you including DD.

Asd is one possibility, some traits are shown. Contrary to pps who said it can't be parenting because other 2 are fine, it could be but inadvertently. I have worked with several families where the eldest child has had similar concerns and it has turned out they feel pushed out/not as valued as younger siblings. Nothing deliberate or intended, just how the child feels.
Another thing to consider is abuse/trauma; have they been subjected at some point to a difficult situation unbeknown to you where something unpleasant has happened? (I AM NOT accusing you of abuse, but assuming that at some point in her 10 years she has been out of your sight, there is a possibility something could have happened). Has there been a traumatic event in their life at all? (Family falling out / split, death of someone close, moving house?) All these things can contribute to children not coping and reacting with behaviour.
Can you sit her down, calmly and ask her if she knows why certain episodes have happened?