At my wits end with DD(10)

[Stcolumba]

First time poster with 3 DC (DD10, DS8 and DD 3) and loving DH.
For many years our DD10’s behaviour at home has been difficult to say the least. Her temper tantrums would melt an iceberg - full on screaming, swearing, slamming doors, lashing out. They probably happen about once a week but are getting increasingly severe. Her tantrums can be triggered by quite minor issues, but often are a reaction to having her phone confiscated for a more minor transgression.
Anyway, today was probably one of the worst days of my life. She got in a rage in the car while she was in the passenger seat with younger DC in backseats. She was whacking me while I was driving. I got really angry (I know, I know but please bear in mind this has been going on for years) and said I was driving to the local police station because she had assaulted me. Might sound a bit dramatic but I wanted her to understand how serious it was and utterly unacceptable. She went mental and pulled the steering wheel. Nothing happened and I managed to correct it but I was really shaken. My DS was hysterical thinking we all could have been killed. Anyway I pulled over and took her out the car so she could swap seats with DS as I didn’t feel safe with her sitting in the front. Her shoes fell off in the kerfuffle and she was literally standing at the side of the road screaming with no shoes on. Other DC hysterical too and me rapidly losing it.
I really don’t know what to do about her. We’ve tried the positive parenting approach, we’ve tried a lengthy lists of punishments. She just really does not give a shit about any of us. She behaves exactly the same way with DH. She constantly says that she wants to die because her life is so awful (in fact she’s got a v comfortable life). She has no close friends and no hobbies (another source of fights). We have really tried to help with those but she doesn’t want to do ANYTHING. Her behaviour at school and with other adults eg GPs is impeccable so no general behavioural issue. I think she needs some sort of anger management counselling but I honestly don’t know how I’d even get her through the door because she would go crazy if we suggested it. Our other DC are lovely, well behaved and well balanced young people but I worry about the impact this behaviour is having on them. Help!

Ask the school for help for DD.

Ask your GP for help for yourself and the other DC.

Tell both DD is a danger to herself and others - sounds dramatic and disloyal, but will boost your case.

How big is she? Can you control her physically? Interventions while children are young enough to be handled work a lot better.

Is there any way you could set up a camera so that her performances are recorded?

Before I'm told this is wrong, if she's able to moderate her behaviour outside the home (although not much, if she hasn't got any friends), you need to be able to show professionals what she's like when nobody else is watching.

Then they can't palm you off with 'puberty', parenting classes or 'it's just a phase, have you tried letting her get her own way occasionally?'.

Dd is 10. A phone doesn’t make a child act like this. She is able to keep in contact with me when she goes to the park etc.

I also thought about possible Sen and would talk the school to get cahms / ed psych involved. Your dd is crying out for help. It must be very stressful for all of you.

www.verywellhealth.com/signs-of-autism-in-girls-260304

Oh, and I wouldn't be surprised if somebody becomes 'a black sheep' if they've assaulted their parents and quite possibly attempted to kill them by grabbing a steering wheel, rather than face the consequences of their actions. If that's their normal behaviour, it's probably a fairly reasonable description of them.

Shawshanks I suspect the OP put in that disclaimer because people normally berate anyone on here who admits to showing the slightest bit of anger towards their children, even it's it justified!

OP you have my sympathy.

What is with all the phone comments.
Get some perspective fgs.
Op I really suggest you consider autism.

I don’t think it’s possible to diagnose from what you’ve said, but if your other 2 children don’t act in a similar way, I think it’s safe to say it isn’t a parenting issue.

You say she has a nice life. Children who feel that way don’t go about wishing they would die. Something is clearly troubling her. Is there a reason she doesn’t have friends? If she is well behaved at school, it seems strange she isn’t making friends. Does she want friends?

I wouldn’t rule out counselling. Bringing her in and letting them see her behaviour is actually beneficial. We find the other problem, our lovely, polite, well behaved DD sits nicely for Ed Psych and they can’t see where there is a problem.

I don’t think you will sort it with parenting alone.

Or ADHD.

Oh sorry op fr armchair diagnosing, ai mean look into autism and other poissible sen issues.
It sounds like more than puberty. And her comments alone about hating herself etc would be enough to seek professional help.
You have my sympathy as well my oldest child has PDA and is often violent and aggressive, so I understand exactly how you feel.
It's important to look after yourself here as well so maybe look into some counseling to help you cope

This might sound horrid but if you can get some video of a typical meltdown and keep a diary, you could then speak to your GP without DD being present to demonstrate your concerns. If you go to your GP or get a referral they will ask school about her behaviour too and if they are all witnessing impeccable behaviour you'll have a fight on your hands to get any help without evidence.

Is she particularly demand avoidant? This screams PDA to me, I'm going through the exact same thing with DS (also 10) and it's so mentally exhausting. You have my sympathy OP.

Sympathy from me. My 10yr old has hit and kicked me while I'm driving. It's beyond awful. After 5 years of asking I finally got a school nurse to meet with her a few times and we made some headway. The problem is that as soon as we made headway she clearly wanted us off her books as she acted as if DD would be fine from then on .
(Reader, she is far from fine and I have to find the strength to go in for another battle).

I've been through similar (down to DD kicking me in the head while I was driving) , and was dismissed as DD growing up, us needing to parent differently.... . It probably was that but also a MH issue. Please talk to school, GP and see if you can get her assessed. She's young, and likely to react well to treatment and support. Don't let it drag, we did, it just got worse for her and the rest of the family.

My DD is 10 and has had severe tantrum breakdowns, she behaves well in school, she has hfa with Add.
I really feel for you OP. The phone is not the issue she really needs to get her temper under control, I think anger management us a good way to go. I would contact the school see if they have a councillor or if a trustee teacher can have a chat.
Do you discuss her actions when she is calm. DD has hit me a handful of times, the last time when she was calm I gave her a big hug and told her if she did it again I would call the garda.
As hard as it is you need to take control. My friends DD done this for years my friend surrendered her to care at 16, she's 20 now and has a good relationship with her DM.

I am sure you realise but she almost killed you all today, can you contact SS for family help.

My goodness all the comments here tonight blaming the phone or OPs parenting are ridiculous and totally unhelpful. OP if I were you I would be seeking out a diagnosis from a child psychologist. I’d be jumping up and down to get one on NHS or paying to go private. Your DD sounds deeply troubled and needs professional help. You have my sympathies.

Don't assume it is all your fault. Consider that the anger/distress might well be about something outside home. Home is just a safe place to express it.

When she isn't in a 'tantrum', what does she say about why she gets so angry and how she feels about school/friends/her life? Clearly, there is something going on here even if it isn't autism.

Sorting out which parts of her (seemingly comfortable) life are difficult for her would be a start.

On sorting out the behaviour before it gets more extreme. Agreeing a 'contract' with her - with consequences for actions (good and bad). Having this written down - and definite can help.

Some of that sounds a lot like my 10 year old daughter. We are finally (after years of asking for help) getting a referal to hopefully get her diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or sensory processing disorder or maybe even something else. She gets very frustrated - which leads to anger and violent out bursts. She often says people don't understand her - but she doesn't understand herself too.
You said your girl doesn't have any hobbies - but what does she do at home? Does she read, watch certain tv programmes, play with Sylvanian Families, make bead creations? (these are just examples obviously). You may not think of them as hobbies - but if it's something she has an interest in then explore it further and try to get her to be proud of whatever that is - even if it isn't what her peers are into.
There is a nice book for sale in The Works called 'All about me' or something similar. It's a combo of journal, relaxing colouring, places to write about who she is, things she likes, issues she struggles with etc. It could help her understand (and accept) who she is.
We currently have good days and bad days with our girl - but we are slowly getting there.
I wish you luck.

Bugger. Just typed a long post and then hit back instead of post so lost it. But wanted to say I totally relate. DD is 10 and was the same for a long time. We're now looking into ASD and now that we have an I cling what may cause her meltdowns we can make some accomdationsnand life is (sometimes) easier. Feel free to DM me. I totally relate. I second suggestions above to ask school for support and to see your GP.

Sorry for the armchair diagnosis, but another vote for autism. My dd has ASD and sounds very similar, but she is a couple of years older and triggers are closer to daily than weekly... And lost count of the times my parenting was blamed prior to getting the diagnosis!

I would film 3 or 4 episodes, and go see the school nurse who can signpost in the right direction, also see if you have a banardos in your area, they are amazing at this kind of stuff

This has nothing to do with a phone. She needs to be professionally evaluated. She may have special needs, she may just need some help learning to process intense emotion. Either way, I don’t think this is simply a discipline issue.

I think some people need to pull up their judgy pants 🙄 We live in a world where lots of 10 year olds now have phones. It doesn't mean the phone is automatically the reason for this behaviour. It may however be the best weapon in your arsenal in terms of bribery/reward/punishment. For my 10yo DS, it's the Xbox/iPad/phone that gets taken away when he acts up. I sometimes have to take all 3 away at the same time otherwise it's just pointless. No point taking away an iPad when he still has a phone right?

It does also sound like her behaviour is more challenging than the average hormonal 10 year old. I'd speak to her teacher and see if they can offer any advice/guidance. There may be an educational psychologist linked to her school and they might be able to offer some ideas.

If you can afford to see a private psychiatrist or psychologist. If the NHS is anything like the HSE for support and diagnoses you'll be waiting years.
I know cahms is bad for delays in most areas too.
I went the public route it took 3 years, DD missed out on lots of services and now requires private OT otherwise it would be another 3 years, hormones added to her issues is a disaster.