To think guests don't dictate where we eat?

[Endofrelationship]

Fuck off daily mail and other crappy publications (they've published my stuff before).

Baby is 11 days old. We've had the usual request for visits, all fine, I'm feeling very well (despite c section) visitors coming today, we asked they come for a set time as we wanted to take DC1 out to a group. Was told no, that didn't work for them, they'd be arriving at X time. Fine DH took DC to the class I stayed in and awaited their arrival.

We said we'd take them out for lunch (we'd pay), no that wouldn't work, they wanted to eat at home. No offer of bringing something with them or getting a take away. When take away was suggested, that was also refused. They'll be here over 2 meal times, so just not feeding them isn't an option.

Close family so didn't want to be too pushy with them but they have form for coming round and expecting to be waited on. We've told them previously to help themselves (drinks, snacks etc) but they never do, just huff and grumble until they get offered something or leave. They are helpful in other ways though so can't put them down too much.

But AIBU to think that if you ask to visit someone (this isn't first visit to see new baby) that they get to decide the terms? And you don't demand a home cooked meal?

Is it possible that as lovely as they seem, that they feel they're buying the right to treat you like this because of the financial support it sounds like they foist upon you?

My relationship with my father was always pretty bad once I reached about four or five, as I went through my teens I was encouraged not to make a fuss about things as he would try to make up for shitty behaviour by big expensive gestures.

We've recently moved into our first owned property and I've let him come and don't some DIY, I ask him for help because I know it makes him feel good to be asked. But this is something I've inky done because after all the years of going it alone to I didn't get made to feel beholden, I've gained some power.

It sounds like they're being arseholes. They need it explaining on black and white.

Betty777 it was a class for DS, not baby. Baby would have been in the gallery cafe with me, I'd have been watching DS. But as for germs, a 3yo at nursery is a walking germ factory!

Maybe they do feel we owe them. The financial help appears freely given (DHs sibling requires significant financial aid (which they ask for) when they get money we do too but often we refuse, as we don't need it. Sometimes it comes anyway (birthdays, Christmas etc). We are always very appreciative.

as they seem to be your ils id start refusing money all the time-it seems to be a hold ove4 ryou for them to visit and demand what they like

I think you're being a but shitty, the pair of you keep taking from them, childcare, diy, money, you're hardly declining, but neither of you can be arsed to make them a cup of tea or a meal. It's the norm to provide these things for guests.

If you do not wish to provide these basic normal hosting things, then stop taking childcare, diy and money off them.

Because that really is shitty, it's not they re doing it to get in return, but treating them with a modicum of respect and offering a cup of tea, or a meal if they prefer not to eat out is not a big ask.

I mean seriously, I even give workmen tea and biscuits.never mind guests in my home who do a lot for me.

Say what you mean bluntness, don't be shy

Nobody gets to dictate visit terms with anyone who just had major surgery or new parents.

Just get a Cook frozen meal, or a ready meal from M&S or Waitrose - fancy enough but requires no work. Still cheaper than a take away or eating out. Do NOT cook for them yourself!

And only use dishwasher safe plates etc, so very little cleaning up. Leave out the tea and coffee making things, along with a tin of biscuits and pointedly ask them to make YOU a cuppa while you feed, change or even just cuddle your child.

Bluntness100

Bluntness Even people that help you out shouldn't be rude and try and dictate terms in your own home.

Pot of tea, sugar bowl cups and a jug of milk plonked on a coffee table, and if they're luck a packet of biscuits from the corner shop should suffice I feel. Still in the package mind.
Congratulations

Bluntness, if you're a decent guest, and you roll up at the door of someone who's just had a baby, you make them a cup of tea, maybe bring a meal and maybe do the washing up, help out a little.

You don't sit around expecting to be waited on, no matter how much you normally help them out with other things. In fact, it's bloody weird to help out in other ways, and yet make an issue about making a cuppa in their house.

I wouldn't have stayed in for guests ifI told them I was going somewhere. Otherwise that's saying their time is worth more than mine. I would have said sorry we 're not in and gone out. Probably better to.suggest a few days and times thats suits you that avoid meal times! When they come its justs tea and biscuits. If they overstay just say, " I'm really tired now, I need to go for a nap. Thanks for coming over."

I had a couple of visitors try this crap after
my first birth (emcs) , I wasn't well at all and they were oblivious. I had a similar birth with my second, although I was feeling much more robust I wasn't going to give an inch and made it very clear that I had just had MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY and a tiny human to keep alive so they could just behave themselves!

@Bluntness100

That's very unfair to OP. She has said they expect to be waited on hand and foot and have their every need met, and yet behave differently when they have visitors. Just because they give money (which is often refused) and babysit does not mean they can lord it over OP and her DH.

OP and DH took them out to lunch, so they were hardly unwelcoming.

They want to eat at home? That's fine, I would just have said there's plenty in the kitchen, help yourselves. I'll have whatever your making, and I'll have a cuppa while you decide please, thanks.
While sat firmly on the couch with my feet up.
Any grumping would be met with the same response.

I don't think it's unfair at all.

I'm a parent, I was able to make my guests a cup of tea. And it was her husband who couldn't be arsed cooking for them, I didn't say she personally needed to do it,

But I stand by if they are willing to take their money, use them for child care, get them to do their diy then treating them with a modicum of respect when they visit, and at least offering them a cup of tea is the least you can do.