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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think guests don't dictate where we eat?

91 replies

Endofrelationship · 29/01/2019 20:10

Fuck off daily mail and other crappy publications (they've published my stuff before).

Baby is 11 days old. We've had the usual request for visits, all fine, I'm feeling very well (despite c section) visitors coming today, we asked they come for a set time as we wanted to take DC1 out to a group. Was told no, that didn't work for them, they'd be arriving at X time. Fine DH took DC to the class I stayed in and awaited their arrival.

We said we'd take them out for lunch (we'd pay), no that wouldn't work, they wanted to eat at home. No offer of bringing something with them or getting a take away. When take away was suggested, that was also refused. They'll be here over 2 meal times, so just not feeding them isn't an option.

Close family so didn't want to be too pushy with them but they have form for coming round and expecting to be waited on. We've told them previously to help themselves (drinks, snacks etc) but they never do, just huff and grumble until they get offered something or leave. They are helpful in other ways though so can't put them down too much.

But AIBU to think that if you ask to visit someone (this isn't first visit to see new baby) that they get to decide the terms? And you don't demand a home cooked meal?

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 29/01/2019 20:55

Your relatives are entitled twats. Forget the pasta. Don't feed them at all.

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 20:56

So you cooked for them? Your problem started when you kowtowed to them with their time demands. 'It's lovely you want to see the baby, but now we're a family we're putting the centre of our focus on X (baby), so it's sad you won't be able to make it at X time because we have something else on.'

'No, we want to eat at home.'

'That's not working for us anymore, either. You're welcome to bring your own food and snacks but I'm afraid the home cooked meals and catering aren't on the menu anymore now that X is here, I just had surgery and we're both tired from having a newborn. So you go ahead and bring your own and we'll get our takeaway and that's everyone sorted.'

Then you stop pandering to them. They huff and you just say, 'Well, kettle's in there but right now I'm not up to tea rounds just now. Just had surgery, you know,' and stay put.

ChristmasFlary · 29/01/2019 20:58

OP - so what have you done about the situation? Just gone along with it?

Betty777 · 29/01/2019 20:58

bit confused as to how it even got to the point they got away with this - though you do say they do other stuff to help. it's bizarre to even humour them.

Your DH should have stood up to the them, politely, if you weren't up to it.

And not being judgey (honestly) but maybe don't take baby out to baby groups at only 11 days, it might catch a bug from another child. I think the guidance is two weeks generally before being in public, but i'd leave it a bit longer before being around other babies in close quarters (they are germy little beasts, and you don't want to make life hard on you with a cold in these very early days :-)

itswinetime · 29/01/2019 21:04

Wether you have just had a baby or not! It's beyond rude for guests to come to someone's house and dictate where they eat and what type of food! It's your in laws in guessing I would say that take away or food out are the only options so if they want something else feel
Free to bring it with them!

AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2019 21:10

I must have the hide of a rhino because 'grumbling' relatives wouldn't phase me one bit. Let 'em grumble. I'd sit my happy ass in my chair with my newborn and ignore them.

As far as them dictating where and what we eat, I'd be tempted to tell them what my late MiL used to say to people like this: "Want in one hand and shit in the other. See which one gets filled first".

tickingthebox · 29/01/2019 21:12

here's your mistake - asking if they want to go out, asking if they want take away. I would just present it as a fait accompli.

Hello! we're off to XX pub in 20 minutes, they do an excellent roast!

SayNoToCarrots · 29/01/2019 21:12

Lol. No.

Original poster
Endofrelationship · 29/01/2019 21:14

No we didn't cook for them.

DH told them to bring stuff with them. He was brilliant. To be fair, they didn't expect me to cook, they expected DH to cook, however DH is aware that whilst he can cook, he takes ages and makes a huge mess and he didn't have the energy to clean up after himself and them and get the house presentable and look after DS (fair enough).

They arrived, I greeted them at the door and handed newborn over. Advised one of the others to make tea. They didn't, said they'd wait if I wasn't up to it. DH arrived, asked why they hadn't made tea, told them to make it.

He's been a superstar. I may need to rethink my username! They didn't bring food, we ended up eating out (we offered them homemade soup for lunch which is what we'd have had but they declined).

They are generally nice people, look after DS a fair bit and have done DIY for us and helped us (unecessarily) financially. It's just when it comes to hosting they expect to be waited on hand and foot and have their every want met, but don't reciprocate in the same way. I wanted to know if we wbu or they were.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 29/01/2019 21:14

...they wanted to eat at home

Send them home then, unfed.

Original poster
Endofrelationship · 29/01/2019 21:14

tickingthebox we didn't ask. We told, they refused.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 29/01/2019 21:21

who are they sorry if i missed it theyre visiting a new baby not being asked round for tea

whiteworld · 29/01/2019 21:25

You took an 11 day old baby to a class?? What kind?

StoppinBy · 29/01/2019 21:25

I am one of the 'weirdos' who didn't even tell anyone except grandparents and very, very close friends that our baby had been born until he was two weeks old, partly for this reason, all the visitors who think they are entitled to your time and to dictate how/when they have that time was a big NO from me.

They should be lucky they are even invited, 11 days post C/S and they want to set the rules on what they eat when they visit? Not in my house lovey's!

I would have told them they couldn't visit over a meal time and if I had accepted having them their for a meal (no way for two!) then I would have had my DH make some sandwiches and buy a cake from the shop, the end, no cooked meal whether it was lunch or dinner.

whiteworld · 29/01/2019 21:26

Oh no, you took the older dc? That makes more sense!

Your visitors sound selfish and thick-skinned. Sounds like your h dealt with them well!

StoppinBy · 29/01/2019 21:28

Just read your update 'we told, they refused'.

Sorry but you just need to tell them, that's fine, they don't need to eat what you will be eating but then they will need to organise their own food as that is what you will be doing. End of discussion. No need to pander to people who dictate what you should do for them in your own house.

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 21:31

You have to keep up the way your h has been. Sorry, but no matter how much they help you, it's not on to expected to be waited on in a house with a newborn or young child, it's just not. And to try to dictate in someone's house. Start as you mean to go on by not engaging with that and your h handled it perfectly.

StoppinBy · 29/01/2019 21:31

* having them there (oops, cardinal sin of using their where it doesn't belong).

GemmeFatale · 29/01/2019 21:31

Then you say ( in a brisk, breezy fashion). ‘Oh what a shame, we’ll see you next week instead’

BMW6 · 29/01/2019 21:33

Hmm. I wonder if they feel you owe them?

hidinginthenightgarden · 29/01/2019 21:37

Sounds like you handled it pretty well with the help of your DH.
Tell them not to bother next time.

Redcrayonisthebest · 29/01/2019 21:43

Ok so....
Yes we'd love to see you we'll be home until 2.30pm.
Cf guest "no we'll come at 3pm"
Oh that's a shame we'll be out!

Scenario 2
We can treat you to lunch in the cafe or order a take away.

Cf guest no we want you to cook for us.

Ha ha ha not much cooking happening with a newborn around!! So take away or lunch out?

You are allowed to stand up for yourself, if you allow them to walk all over you, you'll end up cross with yourself and them!!

Redcrayonisthebest · 29/01/2019 21:46

Aaa the sorry, page didn't refresh so missed your update. Good for you and dh, glad it went ok!

bridgetreilly · 29/01/2019 21:49

"We're going out for lunch. Are you coming with us or staying here to starve?"

Inertia · 29/01/2019 21:54

It's bad enough that they expected you to change your plans to fit theirs. Next time, I'd be suggesting that you reschedule for a day and time that suited everyone.

The food thing is weird- there are really people out there who demand a home-cooked-from-scratch meal from the parents of a tiny new baby? Everyone knows that when you visit parents of a newborn you a) work to their times b) take food so nobody has to prepare anything c) wash up!