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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very, very, very scared by this...

84 replies

MrsEddieEdwards · 29/01/2019 15:08

Ever heard the saying, you’re only one pay slip away from poverty?

It’s something I have never given a great deal of thought to because, although I’m not exactly rich, I’m comfortable. Maybe been a bit too comfortable.

My marriage broke up and is towards the end of the divorce process. I’m trying desperately to make ends meet on a part time wage, but the more I search for longer hours the further away that dream seems.

We haven’t reached a settlement yet, that should be in a few months, but I could lose my home, I’m fast losing savings because of legal fees and each time I shop, I find myself dropping another item off the bill as I need to save all I can (no bath soak, I can do without, no meat, I can do without, etc).

I wanted a quick and fair divorce - He wants to leave me with nothing (he’s been hateful all the way through).

I just need a hand hold I think. I’m slowly sinking into despair and the worry is eating away at me.

There are people worse off than I am, please don’t think I’m blind to that. But I just can’t see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I have no friends, no family.

Each day is a battle. A battle I fear I’m losing.

OP posts:

Inertia · 29/01/2019 16:37

Firstly, you are doing well, and it sounds as though you have brought up a fabulous daughter.

Secondly, you need to get out of the mindset that marital assets belong to your husband as he worked while you were raising your child. That isn't how things work- marital assets need to be split fairly between you both. He can't leave you with nothing- but someone needs to explain to him that he could waste a lot of money on legal fees trying .

LakieLady · 29/01/2019 16:41

My ex was a lying shit who squirrelled money away, but we still ended up with what was a reasonably fair split. I had to represent myself, and just see my solicitor for advice, as I had to pay fees as I went along.

It's grim now, OP, but it won't last for ever. Once things are sorted (and I think the settlement should be at least 50:50, given you gave up a career to bring up your child) you'll be in a position to move on, in both senses.

Imo this is the worst bit: you've stuggled on and put up with shit for years, summoned up the strength to end the marriage, dealt with all the hideous paperwork and revisited some of probably the worst times in your life and then you have a bloody court hearing to get through (unless it can be resolved at mediation). It seems like the last straw, and it's hard to think of it as the last hurdle on the road to a new life.

It will come to an end, it won't be as bad as you fear, and you'll be able to move on. And that is a very liberating feeling - knowing that it's over and nothing as bad as the last few years is ever going to come your way again.

Just try and hold station while you slog through this last bit, then you can your new life.

Missingstreetlife · 29/01/2019 16:46

You need a solicitor who is a Rottweiler. Glad you and dc are supporting each other. See Martin Lewis website, you can live on v little for a short while. Things will get better.

aconcertpianist · 29/01/2019 16:53

You will be entitled to a chunk of money from the sale of the house and most solicitors would only send the bill in at the end-when they have completed the job.

Ask them why they need paying in dribs and drabs. It is unusual, even in conveyancing, they normally send the bill in at the end.

You will soon have money in your pocket and be free to spend it all on whatever you want-this is just a rough dip. This time next year, it will all be done and dusted.

EvaHarknessRose · 29/01/2019 16:54

Bet you contributed more than he did.

Original poster

MrsEddieEdwards · 29/01/2019 16:56

You can only split what is available. A considerable amount of “our” money has “disappeared” over the past five years.

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 29/01/2019 17:00

have you had legal advice op? if there is nothing more you can do legally..then focus on how to get a ft better paid job...offering a handhold from here..

Cath2907 · 29/01/2019 17:04

You are not entitle to half. The divorce asset split process starts from a 50:50 entitlement. You then negotiate. The needs of any dependent children come first. That means if you will be the resident parent you are more likely to get a larger share or the ability to do things like remain resident in the house. The divorce agreement should leave no party destitute and will likely mean a drop in living standards for both parties at least initially. This normally comes out at a split in the region of 50:50. It makes no note of monies contributed by either party during marriage and rarely any note of what assets were brought into the marriage by either party (unless the marriage is short or the incoming assets were massively disparate).

It makes no difference in the UK why you are divorcing (unless you are claiming a higher maintenance payment due to being incapacitated and unable to work following a domestic assault for example). If one of you cheated or was unreasonable this is not taken into account when negotiating the financial settlement.

It is far better to come to an amicable solution as otherwise a lot of the marital estate can be burned up in court fees. I appreciate many spouses just don't see it this way.

So your husband is incorrect that you are not entitled because you haven't worked. You should be entitled to something close to half and if you will be the resident parent to any children maybe even more than half.

Speaking as someone with an ongoing divorce and a mildly legal background!

redastherose · 29/01/2019 17:10

Being a SAHM means that you contributed to the family looking after the home and bringing up your DD allowing him to concentrate on his career. Loads of men just don't get that if you hadn't done that their life would have been exponentially more difficult having to do half of the cooking/shopping/housework/childcare/life work that goes along with having a family. Going forward from a Divorce you should be compensated for the damage done to your career prospects by having done that work. This sometimes means getting a larger share of the pot at the point of Divorce. I hope that your solicitors are fighting for this for you. Looking forward getting yourself a full time job will make a big difference to you being able to support yourself regardless of the Divorce.

Queenie8 · 29/01/2019 17:17

OP you need the judge to question (on your behalf) the disappearance of assets. The judge will have to sign off for the Form E, and any settlement. This is why you must get legal advice.

You may not have contributed financially during your marriage, but you enabled your exH to put his career first and you raised your child.

CatnissEverdene · 29/01/2019 17:18

Look at the positive - at least you're not living under the same roof as the miserable fucker.

It can only get better, and it will

girlwithadragontattoo · 29/01/2019 17:24

Hi op, i can't comment regarding the divorce but i have to penny pinch every month, sometimes i can't afford to eat breakfast towards the end as i don't earn enough or my wages won't stretch that far
Can you not buy a big bag of pasta, the biggest ones they sell? Most meals for me at the moment involves pasta and whatever is on promotion. Switch fresh milk to UHC as you can save this for longer. If you drink tea or coffee etc have this black, that also saves milk and can be used for cereal. You can also buy the giant bags of cornflakes, get these as well, this can be a real money saver.
I hope you get what deserve once it's all finalized.

3moons · 29/01/2019 17:29

You have been a very sucessful Mother to have raised a daughter like that and you are very considerate of her position now. Well done OP.

Original poster

MrsEddieEdwards · 29/01/2019 17:31

Thank you to everyone for your help and advice

@girlwithadragontattoo - If I can survive this, we can both manage

Stay strong.

OP posts:

girlwithadragontattoo · 29/01/2019 17:36

Things will get better, my DH started a new job today so come pay day next month we'll have 2 wages for about the first time in 18 months

madabouttheman · 29/01/2019 17:41

If the house is sold can you not down size to a smaller cheaper property? If you are working part time can you not increase to full time hours?

EhlanaOfElenia · 29/01/2019 17:51

Wow, sounds like he has been planning this for awhile now. So sorry.

It sounds like you won't be able to continue with part time work though. Is there a particular reason why you aren't looking for full time work?

Bumbalaya · 29/01/2019 17:54

Please do as i did and phone Step Change, they are an amazing charity who are so incredibly non-judgemental and will take any fear you have away in an instant. So sorry your stabexh is being such a shit.
Best of luck.

delboysskinsandblister · 29/01/2019 19:19

@MrsEddieEdwards

Rights of Women 020 7251 6577 in London postcode EC1Y 8RT Free legal advice from women for women.

You need a very good lawyer who WILL deal with the salting away of the money.

Rights of Women is a registered charity and are very good. Another troed and tested recommendation.....

delboysskinsandblister · 29/01/2019 19:38

@MrsEddieEdwards

Ask your lawyer to appoint a forensic accountant

delboysskinsandblister · 29/01/2019 19:41

@QuietContraryMary

You can if you appoint a forensic accountant

Original poster

MrsEddieEdwards · 29/01/2019 19:54

I am looking for full time work, I’ve literally begged at my place of work for more hours but it’s a big company who are unwilling to pay overtime.

I’ve spoken to my solicitor about my financial position and all I get is another bill.

I am so scared I’m going to be relying on my DD for the rest of my life.

She says she’ll always be there to support me but she’s 24 this year... She has her own life to lead.

OP posts:

EhlanaOfElenia · 29/01/2019 20:19

This is NOT the rest of your life. This is the 'in between' period until the divorce and financial settlement is finalised.

You do have options. With the financial settlement you can take the money and move into something smaller which is more affordable. Or if your DD moves out you could get a lodger in your current house, if you get to keep it. You can start looking for other work. You could take on some freelance work through a freelance website.

But it does take time.

VanGoghsDog · 29/01/2019 21:10

You can only split what is available. A considerable amount of “our” money has “disappeared” over the past five years.

Both my sister and a close friend are in this position - divorcing after being SAHM, husbands seem to have made all the money disappear. One has gambled it away, the other spent it on nonsense and hair-brained 'investments', and very poor money management.

Both of them in their 50's, neither of them really able to find work. It is scary. One has dependent children (and the husband is out of work too).

delboysskinsandblister · 29/01/2019 23:54

I really think you need to change solicitor. Please ring that number I gave you and find out your stance for further help either with payments or a better value legal rep.

Get your CV with an agency for full time work. Once you have done the CV they will come to you with jobs. It's in their interest to find you full time work their bread and butter. You don't need to tell your employer you are looking for work elsewhere.

Citizen's Advice Bureau is another option for legal advice for a nominal sum. I think approx £20 for a solicitor's advice. or just ask before you book the legal appointment with CAB then you won't get charged. What is the fee if I book an appointment with your CAB solicitor. I think you get half an hour. SO, have your bullet points of questions ready.

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