To be very, very, very scared by this...

[MrsEddieEdwards]

Ever heard the saying, you’re only one pay slip away from poverty?

It’s something I have never given a great deal of thought to because, although I’m not exactly rich, I’m comfortable. Maybe been a bit too comfortable.

My marriage broke up and is towards the end of the divorce process. I’m trying desperately to make ends meet on a part time wage, but the more I search for longer hours the further away that dream seems.

We haven’t reached a settlement yet, that should be in a few months, but I could lose my home, I’m fast losing savings because of legal fees and each time I shop, I find myself dropping another item off the bill as I need to save all I can (no bath soak, I can do without, no meat, I can do without, etc).

I wanted a quick and fair divorce - He wants to leave me with nothing (he’s been hateful all the way through).

I just need a hand hold I think. I’m slowly sinking into despair and the worry is eating away at me.

There are people worse off than I am, please don’t think I’m blind to that. But I just can’t see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I have no friends, no family.

Each day is a battle. A battle I fear I’m losing.

If you're working part time you may well be eligible for benefits. There are benefits calculators online, or you can make an appointment with CAB and they can help you with what to apply for. They'll also be able to point you in the direction of charities that could help (food banks etc).

Make sure you look after yourself! Buy yourself one little treat a week (bar of chocolate/magazine/bath soak). It'll keep you sane and feeling human.

His theory now is that because I was a SAHM and then a carer for my terminally ill mother, I didn’t bring any money in (until very recently) and therefore I’m owed nothing

I don't know much about divorce law but I don't think the law buys this argument (which they must hear a lot from arsehole men who enjoy the benefits of a wife at home but suddenly begrudge it when it comes to divorce).

You have a job - you are in a better position than a lot of women who go through divorce. I agree with PP that this is a shitty patch of life that you will get through.

2nd job? Is he being a spiteful litigant, i.e. loads of letters etc? Don't answer what you don't need to and never repeat yourself via solicitors or in real life

I've had to go back to work full time I've quit a job today not enough hours for a full time job that ends in September I'm bricking it as a single parent

Do you trust your solicitors to handle your affairs properly? He can want to leave you with nothing all he likes but you’ll be entitled to half of everything as a starting point- assets/pensions/cash.

Are you getting good advice from your solicitors? Are they hopeful of a decent settlement?

Sorry you're having a shit time. Hand hold as requested.

You are going through a large period of adjustment. Major upheavals are always stressful. Managing stress is an important life skill. My mum had to bring us up alone and although friends who she only ever asked for an emergency she managed and still brought us up. Lot of juggling and time managing but she was not beholden to anyone. However, she was THE contigency ultimately. Always paid for Council Tax over 10 months instead of 12 despite the council's protesttations she dug her heels in. It means that those two months after Christmas she isn't having a payment leave her account so she can save this money to pay for extra heating and any nightmare unforseen repairs that always seem to crop up in shite weather (boiler/car/washing machine were her main categories because everything else you can live without for a short time)

cookingonabootstrap.com/ This is very handy and practical. Also mainly because again it comes from someone who has HAD to manage.

Rights of Women legal helpline is very importatnt. As is ticking the legal cover box on your Home Insurance. Please do this. It will save your bacon legal bills wise for the future (and did save us £xxxxxxxx when a rogue builder tried to shaft us for £xxxxxxxx plus court costs. For that extra £30 a year we got a top barrister and no solicitor or barrister fees. That's from a woman on her own tried and tested and recommended.

DO your shop at 7pm in Tesco and save yourself thousands a year. Anything not available then buy in Lidl or ALdi. Saving stamps for your food and household is a good practical idea - just £2 per week which you can easily achieve if you buy your main food shop at 7pm Tesco.

Buy winter clothes at the end of season sales and vice versa for Summer clothes espcially expensive items such as shoes coats bedding.

Switch to a an Economy 7 provider and do your washing overnight and dishwashing overnight and tumble drying over night. Invest in a SLow cooker, they save you a fortune in electricity compared to ovens. Think the cost of an light bulb. PLus you have a home cooked feel good food ready for you when you get in. Batch cooking and your freezer is your friend here.

My mum always taught us it doesn;t matter if you are a high earner or a low earner it's how you manage your money. Even when she had more money it meant that by coninuing to live frugally she didn't have the shuddering horror that many felt such as August 2008 recession because you never know whats around the corner.

Always get car serviced with MOT never separate. Much cheaper. If you have to buy a car then save the transaction till last day of whatever month you're in for haggling room - they want to make the sale so you have power to maneouvre.

Charity shops - I volunteer in one and I do a bargain 10p box for unused toiletries. Treat yourself OP and remember you can do it and HE will have NO control over you.

It is possible.

@awwlookatmybabyspider

I’m not sure cheating is relevant at all in the UK. Certainly in Scotland assets are split 50:50
Just because someone has cheated doesn’t mean that they are not entitled to their fair share of marital assets

Be proud of yourself for having found the courage to move on. How many in the same situation stay with a man they despise just for the security of the money they bring in? You didn't. You started with getting a PT job and now you are making a life for yourself, away from the control of a person you've lost respect for.

It won't be easy but you'll get there. That ft job will come and with it your refund financial stability. Even if you don't have as a comfortable life as you had during your marriage, you'll have your freedom and you self esteem and that's priceless.

His theory now is that because I was a SAHM and then a carer for my terminally ill mother, I didn’t bring any money in (until very recently) and therefore I’m owed nothing.

Fortunately the law doesn't agree with him, and if he really believes this then he's in for a rude awakening.

This is a horrible time for you, OP, and I'm really sorry you're feeling so down about it. Things will get better, once this bit is behind you

His theory now is that because I was a SAHM and then a carer for my terminally ill mother, I didn’t bring any money in (until very recently) and therefore I’m owed nothing.

This isn't true (fortunately), as he will find out when things go to court. It's much more likely that it'll be a 50/50 split of joint assets.

It was a long marriage, I wasn’t just reliant on him for money but support too.

My DD is working full time and she still lives with me (she was buying a house herself until this happened, now I fear she doesn’t want to leave me as she’s worried for me).

I don’t want to be reliant on anyone any more, I just want to start building my own life.

Have you talked to your solicitor about this? What does she / he say?

I wouldn’t cope month to month without her (very kind but excessive) contribution to the household.

It just doesn’t sit well with me that I’ve gone from relying on DH to DD.

Your DD sounds great. Just give everything time. Discuss your concerns with your solicitor and consider some of the advice on cutting expenses posters have offered. In a year or two you may be looking at the future very differently.

Ok. You can do this.
You are already frugal and sensible with money. That means, even if you get overdrawn, you will be able to save it up again without too much difficulty. You have been paying legal fees as you go I imagine, which means that drain on your savings will end. Not too scare you, but be careful - I felt that that the solicitors did unnecessary work and dragged it out, and that fees seemed to ramp up unexpectedly towards the end, as if they were draining my dregs as it were! In fact, my solicitor rather sulkily and untruthfully informed a third party, that I was dealing with myself as it was so simple, that I had dispatched with her services!!
Even if you have no legal support, at the other end of the process I'm not sure what help she actually was, and I would seriously consider representing myself if I ever get divorced again - you can get McKenzie friends etc - and I've since found out that I SHOULD have had legal aid but she told me I couldn't. Grrr...another story., sorry.
Sp the basic premise is 50:50 split of assets, and strongly so with a longer marriage. As you have an adult child this sounds like the case. Assets from each side are largely considered to be joint - termed 'mingled'. One party may be trying to reserve a portion that was an inheritance at some point, for example, but this is generally not permitted. The 50:50 starting point is adjusted to ensure each side has the housing and living costs they need to support themselves.
If your ex has been squirreling, you may wish to consider a forensic accountant. But I don't know how much that costs.
So, hold your nerve, you are nearly there - it is scary I know, but the court in my experience was just. I got more than I expected and considerably more than he had offered.
How about making an appointment with your bank to discuss your situation - they will have seent his many times before and may have some helpful advice or strategy? And keep posting on MN.

Your solicitor should have told you that starting point is 50/50 asset split. No one has cheated but in England it makes no odds anyway. Your DD is an adult so her living with you won't be taken into account with regard to you getting a greater % split.
You will get through this but you have to be calm, seek professional, clear advice and do not believe anything he tells you about what you are or aren't entitled to. Nothing. He is not in your side. Good luck

@awwlookatmybabyspider

As previous posters have said, cheating and even domestic violence are irrelevant to financial settlement. Unfortunately.

His theory now is that because I was a SAHM and then a carer for my terminally ill mother, I didn’t bring any money in (until very recently) and therefore I’m owed nothing.

Bahahahahaha!

Yes let him believe this...........say nothing......

BOY!! Is he in for a fucking shock. Just pass everything he tells you to your solicitor and let them deal with him.

Learn some new money saving self sufficient skills as we have pointed out and you will feel and be less and less reliant on DD and feel empowered as time goes by.

How on earth are you forking out for legal bills when your solicitor hasn't yet managed to tell you that marital assets will be split 50/50?

It just doesn’t sit well with me that I’ve gone from relying on DH to DD

It's not good but hopefully you'll pick up more hours soon. It's a trap many fall into re quitting work and relying on another.

It's a good conversation to have with her though, encourage her to never rely on another financially then should she find herself amidst a split she will have the means to support herself.

Sounds like you married my abusive ex.

As pp said, tell your solicitor what he said about you being a SAHM, and about him squirrelling money away. Have a look at the link to Cooking on a Bootstrap.

Op. My ex was difficult too
The solicitor reminded me that they regularly come across people who don’t play fair They will have seen his type a million times before
50/50 is the starting point for splitting assets

When he starts just nod and agree don’t argue with him
Your going to be fine this is just the sad chapter in your life story it gets better It really does

"BOY!! Is he in for a fucking shock. Just pass everything he tells you to your solicitor and let them deal with him. "

Not that simple though. If he's hiding money then it's not easy to get it back.

In divorce are you not legal entitled to half of everything. Unless you've cheated. I didn't say op had done so.

All the individual words have meaning but put into that sentence it loses something - sense, maybe? This is simply not true. How the marriage broke down is not taken into account in the financial settlement, it's only the potential reason which enables the divorce because we still do not have 'no fault' divorce (under 5 years). Once the divorce itself is accepted, the financial settlement is separate to that.

OP do you have a solicitor?
Have you completed the Form E yet?
Legally you won't walk away from the marriage with nothing. Unless you agree to that.

Your exH earnings will be taken into account and yours, he may have to pay you spousal maintenance, hence why you need legal representation.

Good luck 🤞🏻

I was at the point of despair, I made an appointment to see someone at Citizens Advice, I left there feeling like a massive weight had been lifted off my chest, knowledge is power, I was entitled to things... help... I never knew existed.
This organisation doesn't get the recognition it deserves.
Please don't give up, they can help, or will know who can..
x