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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Heating in winter!

104 replies

dbgirl · 29/01/2019 11:35

After 7 years of being together – and I know that as I write this, it will read extremely bizarre – but DH and I don't argue about life events, mother in laws, romance etc. We argue about...temperature!

Jokes aside, this is really getting us both down. For several years of our marriage, I have worn coats at home. It's only when friends visited and commented how cold it was in our home and if they could borrow jumpers, I began to be quite vocal about how much physical discomfort I am in at my own home after a long day's work. We've had arguments over my £12 tiny fan heater by my feet as he is very concerned that the electricity bill will shoot up if I use it up to an hour every day.

Fast forward to winter 2019 and we bought and refurbished a house, over the course of almost a year. Throughout the build, I wanted to ensure the house would be sufficiently heated through insulation and the right size radiators for every area, to the point of paranoia. Again, money came to the equation and even though I could very much afford it, DH simply put his foot down and did not want to get the right size or number of radiators and deterred me from overseeing builders when it came to insulation (we've subsequently discovered that most of our internal walls have no insulation at all - a building regs no-no that I am trying to resolve with the contractor).

So after promising that our new house would be efficient and different to our old house in terms of heating, it's turned out to be worse. Truthfully, I dread waking up these mornings as it's unbearably cold to the point I might as well be camping outside. The trouble is, DH grew up in cold weather and finds it invigorating so he simply won't have any of it and shouts at me to put on a jumper, when I'm in fact wearing 3. I am not even allowed to buy a tower fan heater for our bedroom. He wants to wait until next winter to 'save' and find more 'permanent solutions' (he did say this morning that he might try and get a new window for our bedroom next winter as it's the only one with single glazing - I find that's a positive step but most other rooms have double glazing, yet, they can't keep the heat in; we simply don't have the right insulation or number of heaters). I am trying my best to find innovative, cost-saving solutions that won't require breaking the bank or dreaded building disruptions but everything I say just turns into an argument.

I'm entering my third trimester and perhaps it's the thought of taking maternity leave and staying in this house an entire winter that is making me even more miserable. Neither of us like these daily arguments. Honestly, if I was just able to buy 1 cheap tower heater as a temporary solution and use it for half an hour in the morning and half an hour before going to bed, I would keep my mouth shut.

AIBU?

OP posts:
wildone03 · 29/01/2019 12:39

I hate being cold and i am most of the time - currently sat in my office in a coat and hat with the Radiator right next to me!

Both my DP and ex like a cold house so they wear shorts around the house to keep cool!

I could never live like you are.

TheSandgroper · 29/01/2019 12:44

I'm in Perth and had a January baby so fairly warm. On our first night home, after the midnight feed, I was so cold I put on a jumper, very warm sox and wrapped myself around dh.

What your dh is planning would be the death of me. Our feeds were 45 minutes per side with a nappy change at half time so plenty of time sitting around in the dead of night. Get yourself a really good thermometer that shows maximum and minimum temperatures and keep a record.

LadyinLavende · 29/01/2019 12:44

As others have said - this man appears to have "controling" issues - and to be an idiot into the bargain - it's a false economy to have not put in adequate heating and insulation - when the radiators are there they can always be turned down but it's far less cost efficient to use additional heaters because you are cold.... and of course absence of adequate heating etc detracts from the value of the house as a whole.
You really need to get your radiators upgraded before the baby arrives.

I have a lot of sympathy because I too suffer from living in a cold house with a husband who thinks I should just wear another layer. However, your situation is different from mine in that I don't have a small baby to worry about: mine are away at Uni - but they complained about the freezing temperature in the house when they were at home in the holidays.
DH is out of the house from early morning to evening whereas I often work from home.
I am sitting here with a bed jacket and a scarf on over my trousers and cardigan.... and hot sox on my feet
www.amazon.co.uk/Hot-Sox-Microwave-Heated-Slippers/dp/B00796GWY6?tag=mumsnetforum-21
I also do a lot of cooking and baking and "live" in the kitchen where I can put the oven on - even if I am not actually cooking anything.

Sending you "warmest" wishes!

TheSandgroper · 29/01/2019 12:45

The short version of what we are all saying is that he is grossly unfair.

CallMeVito · 29/01/2019 13:00

LadyinLavende
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but why on earth do you not have the heating on?

I don't agree, but I would kind of understand if your husband was home and too much heat was making him feel ill (as if Hmm ) but he's not even there!

At least buy yourself an electric blanket for when you are working. It's not a life!

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/01/2019 14:16

I would never sit in my house in a thick jumper, scarf, etc - those are for outside! Being cold is miserable - turn the heating up! Particularly, as others have said, if you are pregnant

Waytooearly · 29/01/2019 14:31

Yes this relationship has slipped into strange pattern of him issuing edicts and expecting compliance.

He doesn't want you to have a fan heater. Okay. So being a grown woman you can go to the shop, buy one, plug it in, and be comfortable in your own home. He can sit there not wanting it, that's fine.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 29/01/2019 14:32

LadyinLavende

Why do your let your husband control the temperature of the house when he is not there?

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 29/01/2019 14:35

Fuck that! It's winter ffs he's being v selfish

Sciurus83 · 29/01/2019 14:40

Buy the heaters and tell him to fuck off. Pregnant lady gets to be warm, and your house is too cold for a baby. Mine is 10 weeks, we keep it at 19. I would have it warmer but that is where we compromise and if I'm cold I put the gasfire on. Good luck with the baby Flowers

butterfly56 · 29/01/2019 15:13

Oh dear this thread takes me back many years to when I was married to my DCs father.
He was a very selfish, controlling and nasty piece of work especially when it came to the heating and hot water, keeping all money for himself and he had a good well paid job.
I had to leave in the end for the safety of both me and the DCs because once the DCs arrived his behaviour got a lot lot worse.

He will not change as you have said he has been like this for years.
He is abusive and has absolutely no interest in the welfare of you or your child.
You need to think about whether you can stand to be with him long term.
If I were you I would be making plans to get some money together so that in the future you have a way out of this abusive relationship when you realise just how bad it is.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 29/01/2019 15:19

Unless you have fancy window shapes or are in a conservation area, windows are cheap. Get the window done.

TheKitchenWitch · 29/01/2019 15:37

There is absolutely no way that I would accept having to wear clothes like that inside - for me means I'm not wearing thick woolly jumpers, scarves, thick socks etc. I wear normal clothes, and the temperature in my house has to be warm enough for that to suffice.

OP do you actually struggle financially? I mean, why is he so obssessed with keeping the heating bills down? Or is he controlling with all money? What about food? Have you bought baby things yet?
If you're not having to watch every penny, then why would you not have the heating on? If I was you, we'd be having a LOT of rows, and I think I would actually move out until things changed.

Vitalogy · 29/01/2019 15:37

There's being frugal then there's being tight. If you can afford it then he's just being ridiculous and doesn't care much about your comfort OP. If you're aware of the cold all the time it can become miserable can't it and it's on your mind all the time.

The least you can do is sleep in a separate WARM room. If he doesn't like it he can lump it. I've used one of these before. The room will be toasty in no time.

www.argos.co.uk/product/4152095

lightisrightisnight · 29/01/2019 15:41

a couple of suggestions - get yoursefl one of the huge fluffy dressing gowns from M & S, they are so warm!!

www.marksandspencer.com/fleece-hooded-long-sleeve-dressing-gown/p/p60179660?prevPage=plp

Also get yourself a couple of electric blankets - for the couch and for bed, again they are super warm and amazing - and only 1p a night to run
www.lakeland.co.uk/25781/Velvety-Electric-Heated-Throw-Grey-120-x-160cm-16447

And get yourself some thermal tights and wear all day, make a huge difference.

All that said I wouldn't stay with someone so controlling!!! Sounds horrible.

lightisrightisnight · 29/01/2019 15:42

also show him this

www.glamour.com/story/theres-a-scientific-reason-women-are-always-colder-than-men

Shoxfordian · 29/01/2019 15:46

Its his fault the house isn't warm enough though

He sounds like a shitbag. Buy an electric blanket for every room

TheClaifeCrier · 29/01/2019 15:47

Is your house damp as a result of not being heated properly OP? Because that can lead to all sorts of health problems for your baby.

Is he this controlling in other areas?

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 29/01/2019 15:53

Look into getting a groegg for the bedroom so you can show your partner how cold it is and how unhealthy it will be for the baby to be in , he's being stingy and it sounds like the house needs sorting for insulation purposes also. My husband hates being to warm but has got used to it and I'm quite cold often and we have 2 kids that also complain they are cold sometimes so he understands he needs to wear a t shirt and shorts and whilst we have the heating in to keep warm

pangolina · 29/01/2019 16:03

If you have separate finances and can I would be tempted to change the heating bill to your name only and your bank details for the dd, then heat your house as you wish.
I would have trouble being with a man who could happily see me so uncomfortable and unhappy though

Eliza9917 · 29/01/2019 16:10

Again, money came to the equation and even though I could very much afford it, DH simply put his foot down and did not want to get the right size or number of radiators and deterred me from overseeing builders when it came to insulation

This is just fucking stupid. Will cost him loads more in the long run.

So after promising that our new house would be efficient and different to our old house in terms of heating, it's turned out to be worse.

I would leave him.

he simply won't have any of it and shouts at me

I would leave him.

I am not even allowed to buy a tower fan heater

I would leave him.

I'm entering my third trimester and perhaps it's the thought of taking maternity leave and staying in this house an entire winter that is making me even more miserable

You can't bring a baby in to an environment with inadequate heating. I'd imagine the HV would have something to say about that.

I would keep my mouth shut.

Why should you?

BMW6 · 29/01/2019 16:18

Seriously OP your DP is being dictatorial and totally unreasonable. This is such an issue I would be very much considering ending the relationship. He sounds like it has to his way, no compromise. Not a healthy environment for your child or you.

Twillow · 29/01/2019 16:24

This sounds unbearable. I think you are beginning to wake up to the fact. I don't know where you go from here. Marriage is about compromise, and there just isn't any from him. Does he have any good points that outweigh this?

Chickychoccyegg · 29/01/2019 16:25

I would leave, move into a house with proper insulation and the correct radiators, leave him in the cold, unsellable house (what an idiot he was refusing proper insulation)
he sounds completely selfish, and it's not safe for a new born, far too cold!

ShatnersBassoon · 29/01/2019 16:27

Give yourself a kick up the arse and go and buy the bloody heater. Why all the hand wringing over something so everyday?