Heating in winter!

[dbgirl]

After 7 years of being together – and I know that as I write this, it will read extremely bizarre – but DH and I don't argue about life events, mother in laws, romance etc. We argue about...temperature!

Jokes aside, this is really getting us both down. For several years of our marriage, I have worn coats at home. It's only when friends visited and commented how cold it was in our home and if they could borrow jumpers, I began to be quite vocal about how much physical discomfort I am in at my own home after a long day's work. We've had arguments over my £12 tiny fan heater by my feet as he is very concerned that the electricity bill will shoot up if I use it up to an hour every day.

Fast forward to winter 2019 and we bought and refurbished a house, over the course of almost a year. Throughout the build, I wanted to ensure the house would be sufficiently heated through insulation and the right size radiators for every area, to the point of paranoia. Again, money came to the equation and even though I could very much afford it, DH simply put his foot down and did not want to get the right size or number of radiators and deterred me from overseeing builders when it came to insulation (we've subsequently discovered that most of our internal walls have no insulation at all - a building regs no-no that I am trying to resolve with the contractor).

So after promising that our new house would be efficient and different to our old house in terms of heating, it's turned out to be worse. Truthfully, I dread waking up these mornings as it's unbearably cold to the point I might as well be camping outside. The trouble is, DH grew up in cold weather and finds it invigorating so he simply won't have any of it and shouts at me to put on a jumper, when I'm in fact wearing 3. I am not even allowed to buy a tower fan heater for our bedroom. He wants to wait until next winter to 'save' and find more 'permanent solutions' (he did say this morning that he might try and get a new window for our bedroom next winter as it's the only one with single glazing - I find that's a positive step but most other rooms have double glazing, yet, they can't keep the heat in; we simply don't have the right insulation or number of heaters). I am trying my best to find innovative, cost-saving solutions that won't require breaking the bank or dreaded building disruptions but everything I say just turns into an argument.

I'm entering my third trimester and perhaps it's the thought of taking maternity leave and staying in this house an entire winter that is making me even more miserable. Neither of us like these daily arguments. Honestly, if I was just able to buy 1 cheap tower heater as a temporary solution and use it for half an hour in the morning and half an hour before going to bed, I would keep my mouth shut.

AIBU?

Lovely ladies, thank you for the responses so far. I do feel badly for making my DH sound miserable. Our heating is just not coping with the cold and it's simply got to do with lack of radiators and poor insulation. So even if we crank it up to 22 degrees, it remains 14-18 degrees in the kitchen and our bedroom and bathroom. The current discussion I am trying to have is to get an electric heater for our bedroom and bathroom to offer quick and temporary relief in the mornings and evenings. I have seen some that cost between 7-12p an hour to run and if it's just in winter time, I am starting to think we might be better off doing this as a short term solution so we can properly save for good windows and insulation next year.

I am not even allowed to buy a tower fan heater for our bedroom.
That is terrible, how dare a grown man tell a grown woman you're not allowed.
Have you a spare bedroom, move into it with full heaters, plug in double radiators and tell him you'll sort the extra 20quid a month.
Let him have his room as an indoor igloo with the windows open.
You're pregnant too, it is really awful.

This would piss me off because I detest cold weather. Even when I was at university I lived on my own in my third year because I didn’t want any arguments with housemates regarding heating and bills. If I was cold, I wanted to put the heat on.
As others have said , why the hell does he get the final say.?
Does he realise that he’s putting his baby at risk?

I’d leave him. Who wants to sit in multiple layers if you don’t need to

But what temperature are your rooms? Objectively, using a thermometer? If you have the actual temperatures (not just your “opinion” that it’s too cold, although that should be enough for him tbh) then he won’t be able to argue with it, especially as you’re about to have a new baby in the house.

I don't think 18 is bad at all though. That's what temperature our most used rooms are. Kitchen is usually a bit cooler as we often have windows open for cats/fresh air. I thought you were saying it was like 8 degrees!

this is not on, at all.

It's not about the money, it's about comfort. If it means sleeping in different bedrooms or at least different beds at night in the winter, so be it. It's perfectly reasonable to be unable to sleep if you are too hot, but you also can't sleep if you are cold - you don't need to compromise, you need to find a way to cohabit.

During the day, I am sorry ,but he can go to hell. The compromise could be keeping a cool house, but have at least the room you are in warm enough. It's beyond ridiculous to be freezing in your own home.

For what it's worth, it's cheaper to keep a mild house heated 24h a day, than shutting off the heating at night and blasting the radiators first thing in the morning.

The temperature in my house in the winter when I have a baby is around 20. I don't like going from cold to hot so all the rooms are heated the same way - apart from bathrooms which here are really hot.

I also found that grobags guidelines for layering are way off, my babies would have been far too cold so I always put a lot more layers than they stated! (room at 20 - in the winter of course - meant a body long sleeved vest, a long sleeve babygrow and a 2.5 or 3.5 tog grobag)

The minimum you should get urgently is at least one oil heater if nothing else. Would he refuse for you to have a duvet at night? Refusing heating is as outrageous.

Pregnancy tends to keep you hot as well, so your body is the warmest it will ever be!

Sorry, cross post. 14 is too cold for a baby, but 18 is within the range. Although personally I’d have found 18 unpleasantly cold.

But OP, the lack of radiators was his fault!

I'd buy a Gro Egg (night light with thermometer thing) that tells you the temp with a handy changing light that goes blue with a sad face if it's too cold for a baby. If he still disagrees with the need for a warmer house, I'd genuinely be packing his bags.

You’re not ‘allowed’ to have your own home at a comfortable temperature? Why does he get the final say?

How fecking miserable to have to live like that (especially when you can more than afford to heat the place).

If I was you I’d put my foot down and just keep the heating on when I wanted to. If he doesn’t like it he can strip off a few layers of his clothes.

Oh, and he sounds like a selfish douchebag.

Replacing the insulation in our roof has transformed things in our old, draughty house. Guests used to wear coats inside in winter. I never thought it would be possible to get this place above 15 degrees, but good insulation has changed all that AND the heating bills are a third of what they used to be. The heating goes off at 10pm, and by 8am the next morning the temp in the house has only dropped by a couple of degrees. So we don’t even need heating on a morning now; it comes on at noon.

This is in a high ceilinged listed building full of single glazed, rattley sash windows.

Insulation is the answer to your heating problems.

Saying “Fuck off” is the answer to anyone who tells you that you ‘aren't allowed’ to do something in your own home.

How on earth can you bear it? What temperature can the house get up to with the heating on?

Also, if he enjoys feeling ‘invigorated’ then he can fuck off outside instead of making you suffer.

You aren't making him sound miserable. He is miserable and controlling.

or you could build a summer house/shed where he can set up camp in the winter whilst you stay in a decently warm house.

A stuffy house is not good for a child, true, but a new born comes from your body temperature. The need a warm place!

How did you DH ever survive the so-called "heat wave"? Did he live in the fridge during last summer?

He sounds like my dad - stingy! I pay the bills so I have my house warm. There is no way I would stay in a cold house - spent my childhood doing that and it is miserable!

Yes your DH is a selfish and controlling idiot and doesn't care about anyone's comfort but his own. Your new house will I'm afraid be very hard to sell. My DP and I have very different internal temperatures--he is always cold and needs a lot of heating whereas I prefer the house a bit cooler. We compromise thru such things as sleeping in separate rooms (I keep my radiator turned off most of the time; he has his on) and I keep my home office a bit cooler than the rest of the house. We don't argue about it.

Well it's a shame you've wasted all the money on refurbishing your house. If it's not up to building control regulations you'll never be able to sell it. It will never be signed off so it's unsaleable.
I'm with the other posters, just tell him it's not good enough for you as a pregnant woman and definitely won't be acceptable for a newborn. Who made him the boss of you?

sorry op but he was the one who sad u cant have insulation and ore rads it is him and hes being controlling

does he want his baby to get ill-all this we'll save up is nonsense he could have had the whole house done proerly when u refurbed it

does he want to come to mine ive got no heating right now

It's no way to live at all OP is it?

You can't keep a baby in a cold house.

I'd rather move.

The thing is, who made him god? And why are you allowing him to dictate to you like this? You earn money and have choices, regardless of his opinion.

I'm a bit on the fence with this. I am a warm person and don't mind a cold house. Nothing wrong with cuddling up a bit and layering up in winter.

I also get a bit cross with friends (particularly those on the slim side) who complain about cold and that they've got a jumper on when the jumper is incredibly thin. You need a proper wool, thick jumper. Like you should be able to hide grains of rice in it widthwise. And wear scarves (soft indoor ones, not woolly ones) and thick socks and slippers.

However single glazing and no insulation is just wasteful in terms of energy. Get it sorted, ensure your heating system is big enough for the house, invest in a couple of dehumidifiers and a small plug-in heater for the room you and the baby will be in during the day.

It's a false economy not to invest in those things if you can afford it - you'll get a lower price for the house eventually unless you fix them.

Buy the heater OP and fuck him.

I can sort of understand worrying about the cost of hearing, but not wanting insulation is just insanity - he's throwing away what you currently spend on the central heating. He's therefore in no position to complain about the costs of running a fan heater.

You need to tell him that he doesn't get to decide what you should or should not be comfortable with, and that on any interpretation 14 degrees is too bloody cold; also that in particular he is not going to be allowed to endanger the baby's health. And that shouting when he disagrees with you isn't acceptable anyway.

The current discussion I am trying to have is to get an electric heater for our bedroom and bathroom to offer quick and temporary relief in the mornings and evenings. I have seen some that cost between 7-12p an hour to run and if it's just in winter time, I am starting to think we might be better off doing this as a short term solution so we can properly save for good windows and insulation next year.

Why is this even a discussion? You go out and buy the heaters and plug them in. Get an electric blanket while you're at it - lovely to sit on the sofa in the winter and they don't use that much electricity.
He can moan and argue all he likes but it is not acceptable for you to be so cold when pregnant never mind when the new born comes.

he might try and get a new window for our bedroom next winter as it's the only one with single glazing
How are the finances shared? Do you have joint accounts or do you have your own money?
If this was me and I had enough of my own money I would phone up a couple of companies and get quotes for the bedroom winter and pay to get one installed. I would not be waiting for him to decide that "he might try" to get a new window.

Also get thick curtains for all of the windows.

I don't like his controlling attitude to be honest.