Do we take on our nephew

[LM37]

We have SGO of our niece since 24 Aug 2018 , we have now had a call about baby number 2 , any one been in this position ?

Where does this suspicion come from, what is the reason for it?

Birth parents often aren't too pleased about their children being adopted out, not necessarily because they want the child (although some do) but because they don't want anyone else to have what they consider to be theirs. I have a friend who fosters children and she has to be incredibly careful about making sure no pictures of the children go on social media, school newsletter, village newspaper (e.g., photos of visitors to events), etc because all it takes is for a friend of a friend of the parents to see it and share it then the parents have information they can use to track the children down.

Why isn't meeting up usual, especially in this sort of situation? It should be the basis of such an adoption, that it would be better for the siblings and families to know each other. Why is this not required?*

In some cases a clean break is what is best for the child and is in the childs best interests.

My other half parents are in there 70s and did a amazing job with LO for first 5 months , but both are not in great health , and visibility check for her parents was a No when they was looking for a placement for her . I guess we been asked first with having her here . X

I think I would say no in your shoes.
I take my hat of to those who do it but they often have older DCs, a full time job and have to 'heal' the child due to erratic visits from sometimes drugged up or drunk DPs. Without taking into count their own families and commitments it is a BIG ASK. The existing family might only get limited attention with a SN baby added to the family. You older DCs might produce DGCs in the next years but would get less support with 2 other tinies in the mix.
However if guilt is going to seriously raise its head and possibly other family members muck in and help then maybe it's a yes.

I would have the whole family make the decision. The younger ones too. They might be ok with going through the process again. If the baby is adopted, is there an option for your niece to be kept in touch? I wouldn’t want to see them split but totally understand taking another one on might be an issue.

My two siblings were taken on by my mums cousin. I was not. I was given up for adoption and have resented that my entire life.

All the more reason for OP to say no. If she’s wondering whether to take a second, a third would definitely be out of the question, which is what you resent.

What a difficult situation for you OP.

As others have said it’s not just about the children’s needs now but in the future and both have a high degree of developmental uncertainty with FASD. It is a difficult thought but if you take on both children and bring them up as your own it would completely break you if you just couldn’t care for them both X amount of years down the line.

I know the thought of LO being adopted outside of the family is difficult but at least he is adoptable at the moment and has a shot at life in a loving family who desperately want him. As awful as it sounds if years down the line he turns out to have complex needs and you could no longer cope he could be ’unadoptable’ and spend the rest of his life in care.

All of these things plus the likelihood of more future siblings need really careful thought. I think you should only do this is you actually want to as a family unit rather than out of a sense of duty.

Good luck OP it sounds like your DN is very lucky to have you

I think it's impossible to make the right decision, you can only make your best decision.
Is there no way to get mum to have the implant etc, I just worry if she carries on at this rate you'd be having to move with so many children.

All my children adore LO and see her as there little sister

What an awful dilemma. But I was thinking if you took this one, and I'd want to as well, if you took this one, then there might be another and another and so on. Taking on this baby now would put a significant emotional strain on your existing family.

I think you could indicate you'd consider short term with a view to adopting out just wait and see? You don't know yet if baby will be born NT or will need extra support etc. Very hard, I am all for siblings being adopted together but just where will it stop?

If they go on to have another after this pregnancy will you take on that child too?
If you take on this child you will have 6 children to look after. Where do you draw the line... at 6,7,8?
Honestly I think you have enough on your plate with 5 children to support, even if two are older teens.
Even if your niece does not have FAS she may have psychological issues with coming to terms with being abandoned by her parents. You will have enough to deal with with providing the extra support that she will need for this.

Oh aye?

Where does this suspicion come from, what is the reason for it? Why would the social workers involved not create a workable relationship and ensure that the adopters were capable of maintaining the relationship beforehand?

The suspicion comes from the fact that some birth family members have

• Posted photos of other people’s children in social media, asking others to track them down

• Issued death threats to adopters and foster carers

• Forced families to move house, jobs and schools because of the risk to their children and their own safely

Social workers can’t make birth families behave how they want. They can barely do their own paperwork, let alone sort out all the crime, Violence, mental health problems, learning difficulties and addictions in the world.

A baby removed at birth has a really good chance of adoption and a good life with parents who may only have the one baby, or maybe two. Also your family member is going to have their

Can I also point out that nearly all adoptees have biological family members who were not placed for adoption? It’s far from unusual.

their (screen froze) other babies. The adoptive family may be able to take one or even two of them on, meaning that this LO will have siblings with them. I know the new one will be your blood, but I think it is best if you don't take them. Let them be adopted, it will be a good life. And it's not your responsibility.

Dishing - it's not best for the baby to wait and see. They need to bond with their new parents as soon as possible. Plus think how difficult it would be for the OP's other children.

I would say no because I think there will be more babies...

If this one goes to first time adopters then they will likely to want to add future siblings.

The reality of taking on 2/3/4 DC that all may have FAS and support your older DC, that's a huge ask. Is it the best for any of them?

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation

My hats off to you @LM37 and your partner for taking DN on but you are not obligated to do the same thing again
What you are already doing has gone above and beyond what most people would be able to do and I think it's shocking that they have put you in this situation again

Unfortunately when a woman has a baby taken she often does get pregnant again (and again, and again) with this only ending when she stops being able to have any more
I have heard of people going on to have 6+ kids all taken at birth and I think you need to be realistic about the likelihood of this happening.

Georgethefirst I was thinking the same thing. if there are subsequent babies maybe there is a chance they'd be placed with their older brother in the same family.
There would be many couples very willing to take this boy on, especially as a newborn. I don't think you should feel any guilt if you don't take him in.

I can see that you are considering the children that you already have and what's best for them, which is the right thing to do. Don't take on more than you can cope with, it won't be good for anybody, not for you, not for your birth children and not for your adopted/fostered children. Only you can decide what you can and can't cope with.

I'm an adoptive parent, and we have friends that we made through our adoption process. They have two DC who are full siblings. The birth mother of those DC has had a lot of children, I'm not sure of how many now, but I know that our friend's DC have older birth siblings with another adoptive family and younger siblings with two adoptive families (and there may have been more since). So that's at least four adoptive families, each of whom have taken two children, because that was the best possible outcome for the children involved. One family trying to take on the whole lot would have meant the DC not getting the full parental input that they need and deserve (I think they all have some mild extra needs). So don't feel that you would be letting this new baby down if you don't take him, it might be the best thing for him to go to a different family.

Please think about the requirements of your older children. Even 18 year old may need assistance through Uni, and at 16 they are still working through adolescence, relationships etc. It’s a difficult time to think that parents don’t have sufficient time to help you out.

Also how practical is it to have 6 children is one house. Will your children end up having to share bedrooms? That’s a big ask at the ages they are coming upto.

I would say no. There is no sibling relationship to preserve. They are only offering the baby to you as it makes their lives easier rather than being in the babies as nieces best interests

My DH was adopted under similar circumstances, older siblings remained in the family but they couldn't cope with another.
In no way would he say it's damaged his life and he isn't resentful about it.

It doesn't always have to be such a bad thing to give a child a new start.

Personally, I'm really curious about his siblings but it would have to be his decision to try to find them and he's not bothered.

I've not been in your situation, but I'm the (adoptive) parent of two children, DC1 placed with us as a toddler, later DC2 placed as a baby, same birth mum. It was documented that BM drank during both pregnancies but the children were largely meeting developmental milestones and FASD was never mentioned when they were matched to us.

Youngest is now at primary school and after a very difficult few years has a diagnosis of full FAS and eldest is being assessed for possible FASD too. Their needs are so great I've not been able to return to work due to the many appointments & meetings I need to attend, night waking, difficult, impulsive, risky behaviour etc. DC2 can't be left unsupervised for more than a minute and their different difficulties become more apparent as they get older. We love the bones of them both but parenting them has really tested our mental and physical health and our marriage.

It's lovely that your niece has become such a part of your family but she and the new baby could go on to develop difficulties as they get older, and six children, however they arrive in your family, is a lot, particularly if some need support with disabilities.

As others have said, there's no "right" decision here, it's about what works for you and your existing family. The new baby will be found a family if you make the decision not to take them on. Sadly it sounds as though there could well be subsequent children too who will not be able to remain with their birth family.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do

Why isn't meeting up usual, especially in this sort of situation? It should be the basis of such an adoption, that it would be better for the siblings and families to know each other. Why is this not required?

It cannot be 'required' as once an adoption is finalised, the adoptive parents become the only people with PR for that child and cannot be required to do anything. Sibling contact for adopted children relies on the judgement and goodwill of the new parents.