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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we take on our nephew

84 replies

LM37 · 29/01/2019 11:20

We have SGO of our niece since 24 Aug 2018 , we have now had a call about baby number 2 , any one been in this position ?

OP posts:
Crockof · 29/01/2019 12:21

Ive been asked for kinship care and I refused, some people thought I was a selfish bitch but I had to think what was best for baby. For me birth parents dipping in and out of his life as and when the could be bothered meant that I felt a new start for him would be better for him

beanii · 29/01/2019 12:27

It's an awkward one - by no means should you feel obliged but if it was me I'm not sure how I could live with knowing that the baby was out up for adoption but his sister was looked after by family - could work out perfectly but wonder if the little boy down the line looks back and sees it as though he was cast out the family? BUT saying that she could go on to have another 5 babies and you couldn't raise all of them :(

OP you're niece is very lucky to have you and you are an amazing person xx

Original poster
LM37 · 29/01/2019 12:29

I Totaly agree , it's my partners brothers partner , this is also her 3rd pregnancy since giving birth to our LO 18 months ago ,she lost other 2 couple weeks into pregnancy

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 29/01/2019 12:34

crockof

I bet you the people who called you a selfish bitch haven’t done it themselves. I’ve seem similar theads on MN where people declare that they would “ do it In a heartbeat “ while at the same time saying they couldn’t adopt because [fake reason ].

RaininSummer · 29/01/2019 12:44

What a hard decision. I am sure you aren't even thinking of this, but what happens if your OH and you were to split up in the future (hopefully not on the cards) ... would he be taking his brother's children or would you be expected to remain as their sole carer?

Queenofthestress · 29/01/2019 12:48

It sounds like you don't have the energy to take another one on which is what I meant at the start, don't think you're being selfish, this little boy will have a completely fresh start and so will your neice once they drop the visits, please please don't feel guilty or horrible, you're doing whats right for you and both kids that are involved in this if you don't

Pipo174 · 29/01/2019 12:49

We have adopted (opted for adopted over SGO) through similar circumstances.
Birth mum did go on to have another child by that point we had birth child (and another on the way) therefore it wasn’t feasible or practical for us to take on sibling,
It’s a hard decision, but it’s ultamitly yours and your families decision - you have to base this on what you physically and mentally feel you can handle.
There is always the chance a birth mum may continue to have more and more children too unfortunately

Ethel36 · 29/01/2019 12:51

I would let another set of parents desperate for a child have him. You already have 5 children to look after. Otherwise when does the baby making end? You can't take every baby they make in. You have already done a lovely thing so focus your time and energy on your family as it is.

Loopytiles · 29/01/2019 12:51

What a difficult situation. With fetal alcohol, problems may not be apparent for a good while and could be severe. A friend’s adopted DC (fostered from birth) has FASD, it has gradually emerged that the needs are significant and have a big impact on the DC and family.

prembaby2 · 29/01/2019 12:52

I was born the 3rd child of a drug addict. My two siblings were taken on by my mums cousin. I was not. I was given up for adoption and have resented that my entire life.

Itsagamerchanger · 29/01/2019 12:53

OP- as an adoptive mother myself I can sympathise with you as my child’s birth mother may well have another. It is very common.

You have to ignore the family link and look at what is best for the children you already have. How will your niece cope? Is it possible she will have SEN herself? FAS does not always present in newborns but if you research, sometimes there can be warning signs in physical appearance. I would research the hell out of it.

Also- post this thread in the adoption board on here. Plenty of adoptive parents on there have experience of FAS. You absolutely must not ignore the risks.

Ultimately, if you take on something you cannot manage then all children will suffer. If the child is adopted out then you can set up contact with the new adoptive family.

Flowers for you. It is a gruelling, emotional process and one that I am also not wanting to go through again!

Original poster
LM37 · 29/01/2019 12:54

Thankyou , we wouldn't be with out her now

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 29/01/2019 12:54

You can say that you won’t have contact at your home and that social services need to organise it. Once the SGO is granted you’d be expected to but as that’s 6 times a year it’s not quite so difficult compared to often at your home.
It is worth thinking about other future children though and how much you can manage

Original poster
LM37 · 29/01/2019 12:59

Thankyou for your advise , I will look at that thread , X

OP posts:
Ngaio2 · 29/01/2019 13:00

Prembaby2 I’m sorry you feel that way. However one can only do what one feels is for the best at the time. If you had gin up unhappy with your mum’s cousin because she was unable to cope, to meet your needs, the , no doubt you’d wish you’d Ben adopted.
Sometimes one has to think head over heart.

Slothcuddles · 29/01/2019 13:02

What a hard place to be in.

I know it’s sounds horrible but you don’t know yet what difficulties your little girl with you has. So could you cope with one child with learning difficulties, and potentially a second child with learning difficulties? You already have four yourself. It would be different if you only had 1 or 2. Could you cope if the child had severe learning difficulties and spend caring for a child then adult for the next 20 plus amount of years?

Original poster
LM37 · 29/01/2019 13:05

B4 we was granted SGO of out little one we did 8 months of one day in the week at my home with a support worker here and a Sunday just us . It's was a long 8 months especially when my boys was in school holidays age 10 and 8 . My older children 18 and 16 it didn't effect them as they do there own thing , SW said it would be quicker getting a court order this time and that it shouldn't take as long but it's the not knowing what the bigger picture is . X

OP posts:
aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 13:05

*crockof

I bet you the people who called you a selfish bitch haven’t done it themselves. I’ve seem similar theads on MN where people declare that they would “ do it In a heartbeat “ while at the same time saying they couldn’t adopt because [fake reason ].*

This. I wouldn't do it. I have a child with SN, not FAS and now he's getting older it is so hard.

This gal will just keep getting pregnant.

I was born the 3rd child of a drug addict. My two siblings were taken on by my mums cousin. I was not. I was given up for adoption and have resented that my entire life.

You resenting your addict parents who continued to have children they knew they couldn't keep rather than someone who couldn't hand three kids?

needingtofindout · 29/01/2019 13:08

OP I wish you all the best in relation to making such a difficult decision.

@WH1SPERS

Baby will be placed for adoption, probably with family with no children or only one other. They will have more time to meet baby’s needs... And ask social services if you can have letterbox contact with the adopters . That way the children can know about each other or even meet up, if both sets of parents are happy

Why isn't meeting up usual, especially in this sort of situation? It should be the basis of such an adoption, that it would be better for the siblings and families to know each other. Why is this not required?

Accept that the adopters will be suspicious of you initially as you are kinship carers and they will worry you will breach their confidentiality and put them and their child at risk. Time will show that you are genuine

Where does this suspicion come from, what is the reason for it? Why would the social workers involved not create a workable relationship and ensure that the adopters were capable of maintaining the relationship beforehand?

Maryjoyce · 29/01/2019 13:09

The problem is where do you stop,if they go on and on to have more how many more will you take on

Original poster
LM37 · 29/01/2019 13:10

This is one of my worrys that if we said no so soon after gaining his sister will he resent us , but did you have a good up bringing with your adoptive parents X

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 29/01/2019 13:12

I'm sorry to hear that a pp upstream has had a lifelong resentment of being adopted out when her siblings were taken by family. Yes it's sad that that happened, but people can only take on what they can take on.

The fact your SIL (easier to call her that even no not married) has had three pregnancies since your DN was born indicates she cares nothing about contraception or the lives her potential DC will live, so there's every possibility she'll get pregnant again in the months that follow this baby's birth. You can't keep taking on her offspring, there has to be a time you say no more.

Does the woman in question have any siblings of her own that could take the child, or her parents (you said your OH's parents couldn't cope)? If not, there will be lots of families out there who can't conceive who are desperate for a baby, so he would be a much wanted child for another family.

Fundays12 · 29/01/2019 13:14

Wow what a difficult decision to make. I think you need to decide what is best for our own children, your DNand your own mental, emotional and physical health. I have a child with additional needs (not FASD) and it’s suhc hard work. He only gets harder woke as he gets older as the differences between him and his peers become more obvious sadly.

Original poster
LM37 · 29/01/2019 13:17

Hopefully that never happens , she's become my world along with my other children , she's treated no different to them X

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 29/01/2019 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.