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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lady begging on the tube

337 replies

UsedtobeFeckless · 28/01/2019 22:55

Please all tell me in shouty capitals how it's a big wrong thing to give to beggers because l'm feeling bad about this.
Sitting on the tube and a lady comes along the carriage asking very quietly and politely for money. Everyone put their heads down and ignored her. I did too. If anyone else had put their hand in their pocket l would have done too but no-one did so l just sat there and l've been beating myself up for it ever since.
What would you have done?

OP posts:
KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/01/2019 18:03

LOL just seen that stopfuckingshouting has already said the same thing!

Most of the homeless in Rochester appear to have substance abuse and MH problems from what I can see. It's so sad.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/01/2019 18:10

This reply has been deleted

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TheCounter · 29/01/2019 18:49

An extreme example I know but the fact he was living at home with his mother during the time that he was begging on the streets ...hmmm

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-47045693

bmbonanza · 29/01/2019 18:51

Busking is fine (assuming they are actually playing not using a tape!) as they are doing something for the money. I often give to buskers but rarely to beggars as a lot round here are the professional type not genuinely homeless or if they are homeless they make themselves that way by refusing to stick to the rules of the shelters like no drugs and in by 10.

Orchiddingme · 29/01/2019 18:52

A young woman can 'drag themselves out of it' by getting pregnant. Then the authorities are obliged to house her somewhere and somehow

If you watch the really interesting documentary on iPlayer about women living on the streets, then you'll see this is not always the case. Even when the women were housed, they often ended up thrown out again for drug/alcohol use a few weeks later so ended up back on the streets. Several had had their babies taken off them by social services and the same was just happening again with the next pregnancy. It was a very compassionate but difficult programme to watch.

SugarinaPlum · 29/01/2019 18:55

On today’s overground the driver made an announcement about organised begging gangs just after the lady started her usual speech.
To be fair I have given to some of the regulars on the tube/overground because sometimes I just felt like it. They used to ask for money or food, and gratefully accepted random packs of crisps etc but lately it’s just asking for cash.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/01/2019 19:00

I think I saw it Orchid and yes, very difficult to watch.

What I meant though, was that young women from troubled and chaotic backgrounds will often get pregnant while still at home (or in care or whatever) as it's a means to an end - a way to legitimately leave home and start out on their own, which they could never otherwise afford to do - even if it means an emergency B&B for a while until a flat comes up.

For young men from families where things are fraught and overcrowded at home, they don't have that option open to them and they often end up being kicked out.

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/01/2019 19:09

FWIW I do not dress well.

Nearly 60 and still go around in jeans trainers and a hoodie.
A couple of times over the years I have sat down on the pavement just to have a rest or to sort through my bag with my dc. (usually have a plastic carrier bag as I have never owned a handbag)

Someone has come up and tucked £5 into my bag/hand or dcs hand.

Tried to give it back but they wouldn’t hear of it. Said I needed it for the children.

Usually gave it to any old guy with a dog sat along from me.

I think I could have been an excellent beggar. People seem to think I look poor.

Roughly dressed and because I am not English I have a certain style of hair that always looks like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 29/01/2019 19:10

I do find it really upsetting when people talk about how they gave a homeless person a sandwich/coffee/McDonalds and then are outraged that the person didn’t want it. There seems to be this expectation that the person should be grateful for the unwanted food/drink that they didn’t ask for simply because they’re homeless. Someone upthread made a snarky comment about a guy turning down their proffered McDonald’s meal. Why? Do you just accept random unwanted McDonald’s meals thrust upon you in the street with effusive gratitude, then?

Homeless people can still have likes/dislikes. They can still have allergies, or dietary requirements. They can even - imagine! - simply not be hungry right now because they already ate. Finding food is rarely the main problem people have, it’s a bed for the night that’s much harder to come by.

The biggest eye opener for me working in a homeless shelter was how happy people seemed to be to have a choice. They could have sugar in their tea. They could add extra milk. They could have tea and coffee mixed together in the same cup if that’s what they wanted! If they asked for Coke we would ask if they wanted regular or diet. For some people I met this was the only time they ever got to actually ask for what they liked.

I don’t usually give people money in the street but if I get someone a tea or a sandwich I always try to ask what they like, rather than just taking the attitude that they should be grateful for whatever they get.

My colleague once posted a rant on Facebook about how a guy turned down her doggy-bagged (and free!) leftovers from an event because everyone else leaving the same event had also tried to give him their doggy bag and he was already stuffed. She was offended and seemed to think this was evidence that he wasn’t ‘properly’ homeless. I so wanted to ask her whether she would happily eat a hundred discarded doggy bags in one sitting!

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 29/01/2019 19:14

Oliversmumsarmy - that did make me laugh!

hazell42 · 29/01/2019 19:15

I always give money when I can. Not a large amount but enough for a cup of tea and a bit of toast. I don't care if they spend it on something else. At least I didnt walk past someone in need.
Next time, be brave and do the right thing. You will feel much better about yourself than you do now.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/01/2019 19:15

Great post Lisa

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 19:25

Spot on, lisa! It's the go-to virtue signalling on MN, too, 'Get them a hot drink/sandwich/food'.

Polarbearflavour · 29/01/2019 19:29

hazell42 - be brave and do the right thing? Really? How is giving money to a beggar who is part of an organised gang the “right” thing to do? Hmm

There is so much virtue signalling here.

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 19:34

Exactly, Polar. There's such love for people trying to scold or shame people into parting with their time, cash, possessions. It's like the MN/Bob Geldof collective. You see it all the time. 'I'd do it in a heartbeat!' 'Why don't you give them the house/car/cash, it's the kind thing'.

Any spare cash I have is to shore up with little savings I have and for my kids, there's nothing left for beggars. If people want to throw tenners out a window, hey, crack on, but don't make out you're morally superior or brave as a result.

Tensixtysix · 29/01/2019 19:35

I only give to the ones who don't ask.

reallyanothername · 29/01/2019 20:03

Have read most but not full thread - my tuppence worth:
I probably wouldn't give to a beggar in your situation op but I definitely do give to the homeless in my town when I'm out having a drink - the night shelter here only takes people who can prove a local connection and doesn't take women at all.... there are a lot of tents now, when we moved here 20 years ago there were a handful of homeless people in doorways now there are only a handful of empty doorways

Artfullydead · 29/01/2019 20:08

Worra is a regular poster. Don't always agree with her but I believe her 100%

Go back a few pages and read Worras posts

I also think SummerGems has posted very sensibly.

BejamNostalgia · 29/01/2019 20:52

Oh my God this thread is full of ignorance.

These people are Roma mixed up in organised crime. But that doesn't mean all Roma are mixed up with organised crime and like this.

These people are part of organised crime syndicates who have been operating in the same way long before ths EU. They have a long history of begging like this with exploited woman, children and drugged babies and moving on when cracked down on. The women begging on the tube are probably pimped out at night too. They won't see a penny of the money you give to them.

They are a tiny proportion of the Roma in the UK. They're not representative of them.

mobyduck · 30/01/2019 03:03

If you were to take off Safe Search on your computer and access sites like Best Gore or Reddit, you would see these beggars are the bottom of the illegal chain leading to S America and certain Asian countries and see children being decapitated, limbs being chopped off, and people being burnt alive, all for money. Money they want from you.
Have nothing to do with drugs or begging.
Beggars need to be directed to a better way of life.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/01/2019 07:08

I only give to the ones who don't ask

Like meGrin

Villanellenovella · 30/01/2019 07:17

Kirsty - so that 'professional' Roma mother with a kid on her lap is to be ignored? Giving money to strangers does not equate to naivety - if someone - anyone - is out in these temperatures begging - I don't care whether they're 'professional' or not - especially if they have a kid.

goingonabearhunt1 · 30/01/2019 10:13

Some of the homeless in my city get quite angry if you try and give them food. I saw a guy once throwing a sandwich back at someone and swearing aggressively at him. The homeless problem is definitely getting worse though, more tents are going up all the time.

Letsmoveondude · 30/01/2019 10:15

Villanellonovella- what do you think will change for the professional beggar, or the drugged up child if they are given money?

They are usually part of gangs that take ALL of the money gained.

Bluelady · 30/01/2019 10:27

The people I give to are most definitely not members of these infamous gangs. They've people whose lives are at rock bottom. If the money I give them buys a drink or a fix that relieves their misery for a bit, they're more than welcome.

If giving to homeless charities is the way to go, where's all the money going? It's certainly not reaching homeless people.