To ask if I’m being precious about mean gifts

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To start with: very first world problem disclaimer. Happy for responses that say IABU, but not on the grounds of first-worldliness.

I have a very close friend, whom I consider to be my best friend. She was (the only) bridesmaid at my wedding, we have supported each other through a lot. Relevant to the below is that she doesn’t have any financial difficulties.

I recently had my first DC. We / he have received all sorts of lovely new baby presents from friends, colleagues, wider family, etc. This bff got him a large muslin (a very nice one) that I happen to know cost a tenner. Whilst I’d be delighted with that from another friend, I really think it’s on the mean side for a best friend’s first born.

BFF has form for this. For me and DH’s wedding she said she wanted to get us a dinner at a top restaurant in Tokyo (our honeymoon destination). She had been to this restaurant previously. Originally she said she would book it for us and arrange to pick up the bill. This then became: she would give us some yen in advance and tell us where the restaurant was. Then this became: we would pay and she would reimburse us. At her request, I kept the bill and gave it to her with lots of thanks when we returned. She never reimbursed me or mentioned it again. I felt too awkward to ask.

I don’t know what to feel about this. I really don’t want to be the kind of person that sets too much store by material gifts or monetary value, but I feel partly hurt (like this reflects a lack of value for our friendship) and partly just appalled by what I see as her bad manners. DH says I just need to accept her meanness as a character flaw like any other. I guess he’s right, and I’d never say anything to her, but I can’t help it affecting how I feel about her. AIBU?

Tenner was £10 more than mil spent on her one and only dgc.

I think the giant Muslins are a great gift. I’d be very unlikely to spend much more than a tenner on a new baby gift for friends. It’s all relative to your situation isn’t it?!

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon I didnt mean the tenner was stingy, it was the absolute lack of any thought to just stick it in a non descript card they probably had lying round the house.

Totally get where your coming from OP when we had our little girl my Husband best friend and his wife got her a pair of socks, We would have preferred they hadn't bothered and just given a card, as we were a bit insulted if the truth be told, hard to explain but just left us feeling a bit meh!!!! Rise above it that's what we have done xx

I'm sure this thread will just prove that we all have different senses of value and what's an appropriate gift. I think £20-40 fine in this situation, £100 excessive and £10 so-so but if the gift is suitable, useful, practical then just use it and appreciate it. I completely agree with this. I think your DH is right and you just have to accept this as how she is.

My bf didn't buy my DD a gift when she was born, because she'd bought gifts to my "baby shower" (not a proper one, just lunch with friends) but she did bring a pie for dinner!

I think you are being U- it's a lovely gift and I'd be happy to receive this!! I don't think I've spent more than £10 on a Baby gift before and I'm by no means skint.. just wouldn't occur to me to spend more than that! Did you have a baby shower prior to this as well? I do find people increasingly ungrateful these days (not pointing this at you OP but just generally)
Shitty about the restaurant though, agree with that.

I don't really expect a present that cost more than £10 for a birthday or Xmas present for me. Or for a baby present. I wouldn't spend more than that either. I agree with people who say they appreciate a useful gift like a pie or a casserole. That involves far more thought and preparation.
The Tokyo thing is rubbish though. Don't understand why people make lavish gestures which they don't follow through on. But I think your DH is right in that you know her form on that now and so don't take other such offers seriously.

By the way, if I had a baby shower I wouldn't expect a new baby gift too. A baby only gets one gift!

the restaurant incident is a sackable offence as far as I'm concerned.
the muslin is a useful gift, so I think you are a bit u on that score. does she have children? she may well have asked others what is a good gift for a new baby.

Sorry if I've missed it, but does she have dc? Pre dc we gave dh's best friends a woeful gift with hindsight as we had no clue what was needed/nice/appropriate. We didn't give SIL huge gift when her baby born and I don't think she gave us anything when dc1 born. Can't remember my parents bringing presents when dc born either come to think if it. I wouldn't worry about it (and don't even get me started on baby showers and, shudder, "push presents"). Japan meal thing though - totally crap effort by her and very badly handled even if she had reimbursed you.

YABU about the baby gift - it was a nice gift so just accept it as such.

As for the previous behaviour, I'd reply in the same way when she next has a big occasion that she'll be expecting a gift for. It might be worth discussing with her that you no longer bother to 'do gifts' for each other.

I’ve never spent more than a tenner on baby gifts. Usually I’d bring a book or something. Ditto my friends when our DS was born.

Some people aren’t that into materialism or gifts. It’s fine as long as she’s been a good friend in other ways. Although the Tokyo thing was very odd

For a baby, I usually would not spend more than £20 even for close family, let alone a friend.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses all - and to the majority who thought I was BU about the baby gift, thank you for expressing that nicely

To clarify: I absolutely did not have a baby shower!! Of course that would be ridiculously U if this were an extra gift!!

@Thebluesarestillblue Good thought but confident that isn’t the case here. She did organise my hen party (beautifully!) but wasn’t out of pocket - all girls who came split the cost, and my older sister contributed the lion’s share. It was a low maintenance wedding, didn’t involve any travel or accommodation, I gave no direction as to what outfit bff should wear as bridesmaid, she had a completely free choice and selected something she’d want to wear again. I still offered to pay for the outfit although she declined. I felt bad about that so instead got her a nice piece of jewellery as a joint bridesmaid thank you and 30th bday present. She seemed very happy with that.

I agree it’s a lovely gift - as I say, I’d have been completely happy with it from someone else, would give it, and have given it. It’s just that if it were her baby I’d be more likely to give (eg) teddy bear + outfit + new mum toiletries + bring flowers or a cake. However, happy to accept I am BU dwelling on that and should get over it. ihatemyselffordoingthis you’re of course right, I didn’t need a muslin or a lovely honeymoon and am very fortunate!

beanjen You’re quite right too - I’m just struggling not to see this and the Tokyo thing as an indicator she’s less interested in being there for me than I previously thought.

I think you need to start matching her if you don't want the resentment to grow.

When and if she gets married, she gets a £10 frame. Her baby gets a £10 gift.

The wedding gift is lame and weird.

The baby gift for a BFF when don’t jags monet issues also weird.

I am with you - it’s weird my BFF earns a lot less than me I would be chuffed she spent £10 but actually I think she would spend a lot more even though she can’t afford it!

Just remember when gifts come up the other way round, sounds like £10 is the limit.

I personally don't like stinginess, but when I'm skint I can be very tight-fisted.

I have some friends who live in a beautiful house, but don't spend money on stuff for others. They would consider it wasteful. I just accept they are like that, and avoid buying them any nice gifts or if they come over cook frugal food. It's petty of me but I can't help it.

I like them too much to drop them as friends though.

Yes, at this point I would have cut my losses Then this became: we would pay and she would reimburse us
I have a friend like that. She has more money than any of us but since she was a teen she has done thus stuff
I would say lucky you got a muslin

Also a big £10 muslin is a great pressie

You know what, some people love giving gifts and get great pleasure from it, have a natural knack for doing it right. Some people neither set great store by getting gifts or feel stressed by buying them/organising them and are just a bit crap/last minute at it. Sounds like you're the former and she's the latter.

If she's a great friend in all other ways, it matters not.

Another one who would be embarrassed to receive £100 from a relative I barely knew... That’s just an ostentatious parade of wealth tbh.

Anyway, I think the restaurant thing was out of order but if she had form for this sort of behaviour I wouldn’t have risked going to the fancy restaurant if I couldn’t afford it, knowing she definitely wouldn’t reimburse.

YABU about the muslin. If she doesn’t yet have children, she possibly had no idea what to get and may have read about how useful muslins are? She may also have figured you already had everything so didn’t need more stuff cluttering the place up. Not sure, maybe she’s skint and daren’t say anything. A gift is a gift anyway, it’s the thought that counts and all that.

I think YABU. The restaurant thing was v.sttange but any gift she be received graciously. I don't like the thought of gifts being judged on their monetary value. A large muslin is a useful gift and £10 is fine for spending on a friend's baby.

Am shocked at people who spend £100. That's what I spend on my own DCs for Christmas.

For example my family go all out for Christmas and exchange gifts with all close family, DH's family are mega stingy and have stopped doing adult gifts all together because they can't be bothered

Beanjen lots of families have agreed not to exchange Christmas presents between adults. I think it's a great idea

Yes, I think unless the giver is very wealthy indeed £100 for a new baby/mother gift seems excessive, even for close friend or family member.