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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher thinks cahms will solve everything

110 replies

Grubsmummy · 28/01/2019 17:52

My son is nearly 8. He has always been full of beans and loud. He shows a few traits of adhd and doesn't manage well in school, he shouts out answers and is loud. He is never naughty and he is a lovely kind boy. At home we accept him as he is and we can take him anywhere and know he will behave, recently sat on two 10 hour flights, never heard a peep out of him.
School pushed me to get him referred for cahms, my son attended the appointment which lasted 2 hours, again sat quietly. They wanted to discharge there and then but i pushed to try and get abit of help. They agreed to do a school observation which is this Wednesday.
The man did explain to me tho that because he is not severe enough there can't be a diagnosis etc. We agree with this.
Teacher spoke to me today to tell me of the observation and expressed that she hopes it'll all be sorted soon and they can help him with medication or coping tips etc. I explained to her that they've already told me there's nothing they could do anyway.

I know my son is annoying in the classroom environment but aibu to be getting a bit peed off that people want to fix him? I know he's my son but I think he's amazing! People comment to me all the time what a lovely lad he is. It breaks my heart because he is aware of all this going on. The past few years have caused me so much stress my periods stopped and I started losing my hair. I have terrible headaches and feel very anxious alot of the time and its all due to his teachers!!
If anybody could give me any advice how to deal with the school moving forward I'd really appreciate it. We've always done everything the teachers ask and I've never pushed back but my sons self esteem is taking a battering. We speak to him all the time about his behaviour and it never changes even though he wants to please people. That's why we suspected adhd

OP posts:

JasperKarat · 28/01/2019 17:54

You might think he's amazing but he has to learn to behave in school. If it's not ADHD etc and he's capable of being calm in other settings the CAMHS either might be able to give some coping strategies to you to help him with and fit the teacher to follow through with so he's not disrupting the class. If it's not related to any SEN it's a behavioural issue, so the teacher is being quite kind at the moment.

Birdsgottafly · 28/01/2019 17:57

I think you need to wait for the observation.

Do they still refer to an Educational Psychologist?

Does he do sports/hobbies?

When my DD who has ADHD was going through school, I felt it important tjay she did something that she excelled at and do a class that she was praised in, for her self esteem.

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 28/01/2019 17:58

I do know what your saying and that's been my fear all along. There are no behavioural issues with him at all anywhere including at school apart from in the confines of the classroom.
If they go on a school trip he's perfect, in p.e he's perfect. They've just been on a residential and he was perfect and won an award for behaviour. It's all so confusing

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 28/01/2019 17:58

I appreciate this sounds like a stressful situation to you OP.

Ultimately if CAMHS are saying they can't help and he can't get a diagnosis and school are flagging his behaviour as an issue then there has to be a plan moving forward where he learns to behave in the classroom. What you say is a bit annoying is actually disruptive behaviour that prevents others from learning.

MatildaTheCat · 28/01/2019 18:04

I understand that to you he’s amazing and that’s great to an extent but in school he’s causing problems, problems that will impact on other children and their learning. So you can understand why the teachers want to find ways that work to help?

If he’s under the threashold for a clinical diagnosis he may still benefit from seeing the Ed Psychologist or similar to work on strategies to improve his concentration and impulse control.

You say he sat on a flight for a long time- was he allowed free access to a screen? My DN is just like your ds and give him a screen and he can become virtually catatonic. At school he’s a pain to be frank.

You have to work with the school on this. Stop seeing them as the enemy and defending your ds so hard. It’s clearly not just one teacher struggling, so please listen to them and get the best outcome for your ds by helping him to behave in class. That isn’t crushing the personality from him, it’s help him to learn.

4point2fleet · 28/01/2019 18:05

What do you think are the reasons that he doesn't control himself (which he seems to be capable of doing) in the classroom OP?

JasperKarat · 28/01/2019 18:05

Best to wait and see what the assessor from CAMHS says, they night able to spot why your DS doesn't engage well in that environment and suggest how he can manage better, it might help the teacher out too.

NorthEndGal · 28/01/2019 18:08

If this has been going on for years, and caused that many issues at school that they had to badger you so much, I'd say they are right to push for more help.

He isn't coping, you aren't, the teacher isn't, so something has to be different, and it wont be just letting him be disruptive. Talking to him clearly isn't working, so there needs to be a push from you to keep searching for options

Stressedout10 · 28/01/2019 18:09

How does he do academically?
If a child is struggling with the work they can act out class clown etc. Also this can often be the case when a child is not being stretched appropriately

Goldmandra · 28/01/2019 18:11

This should not be about fixing him. It should be about fixing school for him.

He is clearly struggling in the school environment and adjustments need to be made to accommodate his needs so that he can be in a fit state to learn. The role of CAMHS and other professionals the school could invite to observe him is to identify the reasons behind his behaviour and make recommendations for how he should be supported. Then the school needs to plan to implement those recommendations, in consultation with you and review them after a few weeks to ascertain whether they have helped.

School may want him to be medicated to make their life easier (I do get why a stretched teacher with a large class and very little time would want this) but that should only happen if it is the best thing for him. No child should be medicated to make it easier for them to manage in school if the same thing could be achieved by making adjustments for them.

Be clear that the process now is about assessing his needs and meeting them consistently and effectively, not fixing him.

Sirzy · 28/01/2019 18:14

So what do you want school to do?

They can’t let one pupil ruin the education of the rest of the class because he can’t behave. If everything else is ruled out then you need to look closely at why he is behaving like this and work to change it.

You seem keen to justify it as “quirky” but that doesn’t excuse things!

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 28/01/2019 18:17

He's average intelligence. Meeting all his school targets.
I completely understand that it is negatively affecting those around him in class and its not acceptable. This has been since day one at nursery age 3 and he is now 8. So 5 years of daily discussions about it. We've tried every punishment, bribery, school have tried punishing him, then tried overly praising him. Absolutely nothing works and nothing ever changes.
They don't know what to do and we don't know what to do. The main reason I get so upset about all is because he is not a naughty child, not a bully, a lovely friend etc and there are kids at school who are bullies and naughty and hurt other kids who don't get anywhere near the amount of criticism and negativity that my son gets

OP posts:

Gruzinkerbell1 · 28/01/2019 18:18

Have you asked him why he behaves like that at school but nowhere else?

blue25 · 28/01/2019 18:19

He won't get an ADHD diagnosis if his poor attention and hyperactivity aren't seen in all situations.

If these behvaiours are only seen in school, I would want him looked at by an EP for possible underlying learning needs.

Waveysnail · 28/01/2019 18:21

If he doesn't have any sen issues and is able to behave in every other situation and environment then I'd say some tough love is in order. My kids do have sen and there are still consequences if they behave badly in class

Original poster

Grubsmummy · 28/01/2019 18:21

Also the school has 300 pupils and only 3 sen children, one of which was violent in the classroom. His mum went through hell and they gave no support. She ended up changing his school and he's now in another mainstream school who cope brilliantly with him and he's improved so much. She's made a formal complaint against our school.
I am under impression that our school would rather push out children who aren't perfect

OP posts:

Artfullydead · 28/01/2019 18:21

I think you are a bit blinkered tbh, op.

Waveysnail · 28/01/2019 18:22

And u don't have to be hyperactive to have adhd diagnosis - you can be purely inattentive and impulsive.

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2019 18:24

Has he been like this all the way through school or is it just this teacher who struggles to manage him?

PorkPatrol · 28/01/2019 18:25

There must be something that will motivate him? What is he really into?
I think you need to work with the school and tell your son you’ll be speaking to the teacher at the end of each day to see if he’s been shouting out in class that day. If he hasn’t he will get X (whatever will motivate him most) if he has he will be losing X which could be screen time for the evening, football practice or whatever he will be really motivated to keep.
I know you say you’ve tried things but the fact you don’t think of it as much of an issue is probably clear to him. Yes, it would be worse if he was throwing chairs and punching people but that doesn’t mean that disrupting the education of the other children in the class day in day out is remotely ok.

dublindingledarling · 28/01/2019 18:28

OP does he do any activities outside school? If so, how does he cope, for
example, listening to coaches, turn taking etc? What about if you play board games or similar as a family?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/01/2019 18:36

I am under impression that our school would rather push out children who aren't perfect

5 years of daily discussions about it. We've tried every punishment, bribery, school have tried punishing him, then tried overly praising him. Absolutely nothing works and nothing ever changes

Umm, it doesn't sound like the school are trying to push him out - it sounds like they are working hard with you to find a way to help your son improve his behaviour. They have referred to cahms, pushed for more support and intervention - and they clearly recognise when his behaviour is good and leap to reward it, since you said that he got an award for behaving well on a school trip?

I know it's hard when it's your kid and you want everyone around them to think they're great, but it actually sounds like the school are really doing all they can. What you see as "loud but not naughty" is probably incredibly distracting and disruptive to every single other child in the class, who've now had five years of him "shouting out" answers and dominating the teachers attention. This isn't something that they can just "accept" as being "the way he is".

You say he behaves well everywhere else except the classroom - why do you think that is?

PorkPatrol · 28/01/2019 18:48

Also if you Google there are activities that can help kids kids with their impulse control. Anything where they have to wait so for eg you could play a ‘do what I say’ game where you shout out commands (hands on your head etc) but they don’t follow them until you say ‘now’. Or musical statues where you start the music but they have to stay still until you say start.

MaisyPops · 28/01/2019 20:38

What you see as "loud but not naughty" is probably incredibly distracting and disruptive to every single other child in the class, who've now had five years of him "shouting out" answers and dominating the teachers attention. This isn't something that they can just "accept" as being "the way he is".
This through and through.

Plus, having been at the other end it's amazing how many parents of y11 students who've spent years excusing and minimising their child's disruption suddenly want lots of intervention and small groups and revision classes and 1-1 to catch their child up and want to know why their child isn't doing as well as they could.

MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 28/01/2019 20:42

Camhs are shit.

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