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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vexed at my mother.

77 replies

mommymooo · 28/01/2019 11:19

I'm sat here so annoyed at my mom I'm nearly in tears and need to vent my anger somewhere.
Today we have just had another argument about the blinds I've put up in my sons room as she doesn't think they "go" and her idea was better. And I brought the blinds and put them up without her say so. Hang one minute it's my house. My sons bedroom. My money. I'm 36 FFS.
The other part of the argument is her birthday is coming up and I brought her a "benefit" set with a bang mascara pore cream lip tint and highlighter pencil. I showed it to her in boots and said oh this is what I got you for your birthday (she hates surprises she has to know in advance) and she said "oh god no I don't want that I wouldn't use most of it you may as well keep it or take it back" FFS another trip to boots to return. So I get her a Michael buble purfume. That goes back. A nice photo frame I was going to put a photo of her grandson in. No they just create clutter. ARGH!!! So as you can imagine how the argument went. Basically she said just give her a gift card a fucking gift card she can ram that gift card where the sun don't shine. Why can't she just be grateful I'm so upset. Am I been stupid or is she been horrible. Shall I just buy her a gift card if I buy one I bet it's for the wrong place. I'll also add she hasn't always been like this.
It's seems it's been since a family member has died (not going into this)

OP posts:
formerbabe · 28/01/2019 11:21

Just buy her the sodding gift card Flowers

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 28/01/2019 11:21

Card, cake, candle. Job done.
And vexed is a fabulous word op!!

Sindragosan · 28/01/2019 11:24

Cash. Can be spent wherever she'd like. Pick a nice card and hand it over with a smile.

My mum was like that, but now will ask for things she'd like rather than complaining about presents afterwards and everyone is much happier.

OnlyTheDepthVaries · 28/01/2019 11:24

April I was just coming on to say that 'vexed' is a great word - much underused!
OP - give up puting any thought into her present - voucher all the way!

sillysmiles · 28/01/2019 11:25

Take a deep breath, as you say you are a 36 yr old adult, and you can choose if you are going to allow this to upset you.

If she wants a gift card get her a gift card and stop stressing about it.

In time, when things calm down, maybe ask her is she ok, as you have noticed since x passed away she has become angry and difficult to talk to.

sillysmiles · 28/01/2019 11:27

Am I been stupid or is she been horrible

You realise that there are many other options other than these two.
You are seeking your mothers approval and she is struggling with changing life situations.

Nesssie · 28/01/2019 11:28

You're not being stupid, she sounds hard work!

The blinds - its your house, your money, your decision. 'Thank you for the input mum, but its my house and my money so I went with my idea'
The present - Not point getting her a gift she won't want/use but she's coming across as ungrateful. I would go for a 'love2shop' gift voucher?

Original poster
mommymooo · 28/01/2019 11:28

It's not just about the gift card it will be for the wrong place. It's about the blinds to why can't I buy blinds without her say so.
Oh the birthday has to be perfect to if it doesn't match the room it doesn't get put up. I don't know what's wrong with her I really don't.
I like to give her an actual gift if someone gave me any of those I'd be well happy.
I'm so vexed I really can't calm down.

OP posts:
YogaWannabe · 28/01/2019 11:31

And vexed is a fabulous word op!!

I was just coming in to say the same! Makes a lovely change!

3luckystars · 28/01/2019 11:33

Michael Bublé has a perfume? Eau de Bublé. heeeheee

Just give her a voucher because nothing you pick will be right. Good luck.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/01/2019 11:36

Next time (and I feel there will be a next time) reply with:

"That's nice mum. However, I've selected these for X's bedroom/the kitchen/wherever as it's my home and I am decorating it as I want to have it. What are you planning to do in your home? Are you doing any decorating?" and turn the conversation around to her house, her decorating.
Or you could say:
"So, I'm getting you a birthday present. I'm not returning it. If you don't like it I'll include a gift receipt and you can return it or use it but I'm getting you something that I believe you'll like and you'll use. I'm not getting you a gift card as it's very impersonal and not what I want to get for you".

Birdie6 · 28/01/2019 11:37

Love2shop vouchers can be redeemed at thousands of shops. Give her one in a nice card - every birthday and Christmas from now on. Problem solved.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/01/2019 11:38

Basically I was getting at you need to stop trying to seek her approval and start being happy with your own decision making. If she has to return something, do you think she will? Or will she actually use the product?
As for the blinds, be happy with your choice and stop looking for her approval for them. You like them, your DS likes them so that is that.

PBobs · 28/01/2019 11:42

My mum used to be super relaxed and chilled but struggled for a long time after her mum died. I think she had depression and it took ages to pass. Nobody could do anything right. Gone was my easy going chilled out mum and I had a very difficult relationship to deal with. Could the family death have had a greater impact than you think?

Wordthe · 28/01/2019 11:42

It sounds as if she really knows how to wind you up!
can you try to in your mind distance yourself?
imagine that her words are little soap bubbles
Weightless and barely visible they float out of her mouth
there is no sound, they pop and vanish
not affecting anything or anyone
It's as if they were never even there 🙂

redexpat · 28/01/2019 11:46

The whole thing about your sons bedroom yanbu.

The birthday present - is there any reason why you cant say hey mum your bday is coming up soon is there anything youd particularly like? I think for you its the thought behind it that counts but youre not thinking the same thoughts that your dm is. So for her it feels like you havent thought about it. If she wants a giftcard just give her a flipping gift card! It's what she wants!

rachelfrost · 28/01/2019 11:50

My mum’s like this. Since having kids I’m better at dealing with it as I treat her like a difficult child. With presents ask her what she wants, send some options and then if none are okay I say ‘sorry it seems like I can’t find the right one’. I don’t spend days looking, just a couple of hours. Then I buy her something which I think she’ll like. It will of corse be WRONG and she’ll say so. But I know I’ve done my best and don’t expect thanks. Nor do I return gifts for her. She can gift it on or give it away. A bit harsh I know but there’s that part inside me that just wants their mum to praise them and I need to be protect that by being a pragmatic adult.

As for the blinds- yeah I can relate. Again being the grown up talking to a difficult child: ‘oh you’d have chosen the red blinds?’ ‘How does it make you feel that we have different tastes?’ It should be patronising but my mother doesn’t notice Hmm

Drum2018 · 28/01/2019 11:50

If she was fine up until your relative died I think you need to cut her a bit of slack. The death is obviously affecting her more than she is letting on. Would she be open to bereavement counselling? Does she talk about the deceased relative or does anyone speak to her about them? It's easy to say to her that the decision about the blinds is final, that you'll get her a voucher if that's what she'd prefer. But underneath she is grieving so that needs to be addressed.

Happygolucky009 · 28/01/2019 11:51

My sister is like this with gifts, so I no longer purchase birthday or Christmas gifts, my mother does and tried the voucher route similar to love to shop, but my sister complained she didn't like any of the shops to use with the giftcard. Now she gets a token gift paid for by cash and the receipt enclosed. I would imagine everything goes back particularly as my sister likes to bag a bargain and will return Christmas gifts received and then buy the exact same item if reduced in the sales! Sometimes you can't win!

sillysmiles · 28/01/2019 11:53

It's about the blinds to why can't I buy blinds without her say so.

Of course you can. In fact you did buy blinds that she doesn't like.
Think of it this way - you only get to chose one of the following which one do you chose
a) the blinds/house decision you want to make for your own life
b) your mothers approval of those decisions

You are only chose one because you can't control her thoughts/emotions to make her be happy with your decisions.

Personally, i think you are not addressing the bigger issue - because in reality blinds and gift cards are fairly irrelevant in the broader scheme of things - but it sounds as though she is not dealing with the family bereavement and you aren't talking about it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/01/2019 11:55

Sorry OP , you have just told us you are 36. Why the fuck would you care what your mum thinks about your blinds?? Don't even engage in the conversation, its none of her business! Re the birthday present, maybe a gift voucher or something like that is less 'offensive' - she sounds hard work! I personally would not engage with that manipulative BS but each to their own.

Ladyoftheloch · 28/01/2019 11:58

Get a gift card this time and next time don’t tell her - if she insists because she hates surprises just tell her it’s because she always tells you to switch things and you can’t be bothered any more!

Mix56 · 28/01/2019 11:58

Give her what she wants, a gift card.
When she complains (she will) say, look I 'm done with birthday presents, you clearly don't like or appreciate anything I try to give, so lets forget it. We won't do birthdays anymore.
Then don't sodding do birthdays anymore.

Why tell her about the blinds, you know she'll find fault. Keep her at arms length.

Gilead · 28/01/2019 12:03

Eh? Give her a gift card? I'd be telling her to piss off out of my life and she'd be getting bugger all. She doesn't deserve anything.

HoraceCope · 28/01/2019 12:07

aaw, I wanted a gift card for christmas, but my dm didnt want to buy me one Hmm

the blinds,! no wonder you are vexed

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