Vexed at my mother.

[mommymooo]

I'm sat here so annoyed at my mom I'm nearly in tears and need to vent my anger somewhere.
Today we have just had another argument about the blinds I've put up in my sons room as she doesn't think they "go" and her idea was better. And I brought the blinds and put them up without her say so. Hang one minute it's my house. My sons bedroom. My money. I'm 36 FFS.
The other part of the argument is her birthday is coming up and I brought her a "benefit" set with a bang mascara pore cream lip tint and highlighter pencil. I showed it to her in boots and said oh this is what I got you for your birthday (she hates surprises she has to know in advance) and she said "oh god no I don't want that I wouldn't use most of it you may as well keep it or take it back" FFS another trip to boots to return. So I get her a Michael buble purfume. That goes back. A nice photo frame I was going to put a photo of her grandson in. No they just create clutter. ARGH!!! So as you can imagine how the argument went. Basically she said just give her a gift card a fucking gift card she can ram that gift card where the sun don't shine. Why can't she just be grateful I'm so upset. Am I been stupid or is she been horrible. Shall I just buy her a gift card if I buy one I bet it's for the wrong place. I'll also add she hasn't always been like this.
It's seems it's been since a family member has died (not going into this)

Yup. Vexed is a proper word.

I am in my 50s. After many years of this crap from my own DM she gets a magazine subscription (of her choice as my choice wasn't correct) and a box of chocs for Christmas every year and a bunch of flowers for her birthday.

Some people are just rude. By refusing to put in effort any more I've found that if she's disappointed I give no fucks. It just hurts doesn't it OP, when you've tried to pick something they will really like.

My DC now laugh at her comments.

Save yourself the angst now, do the minimum and learn to laugh. As you say, you are a 36 year old Mum. She's behaving like an awkward teen and does not deserve your hurt.

OP - there was a thread on here before christmas with ops DM wanting a Aldi Carrot toy, which the OP got for her. SHe (DM) then got her own, and OP was at the end of her tether trying to find the 'perfect' present for her mum, which was impossible. The DM shot down any suggestions, flowers die/chocs are unhealthy/picture frame too much clutter/vouchers show no thought (or, therefore 'love' ) ... Everything she did was NO GOOD, or NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Trying to please, or appease her was impossible.

I don't know how it ended, but I think the OP had her eyes opened as too exactly how controlling and abusive her mother was.

Is your DM like that?

Oh no not a gift card, send her a cow

sendacowgifts.org/gifts/animals

a local cow mind, none of this expensive dairy cow nonsense. Or a goat, I'm sure she'll love a goat.

(I know they go to Africa families not OPs mother but it didn't write so well )

My mother was a bit like this - I remember having an epiphany in the middle of a shopping centre once when I realised whatever I bought was never going to be good enough - even if it was exactly what she'd asked for, and she'd started to ask for more and more bizarre/difficult to find things, like as a test. So I thought if nothing was going to do, then I'd get whatever I was happy to get. So something I liked or was convenient - even something I'd be happy to have thrown back in my face. It was so much better for me, and she was the same level of who-pissed-on-her-chips as she ever was.

sillysmiles It's more that each and every time I diligently try to follow her story, it's impossible to follow (not every one single time though, so I can't relax and tune out) and she will start off with a hook like (for example) "Oh I do need to ask you something. Susan from the book club was reading a book, you know Susan, she's the one with the funny hair.. Her daughter had funny hair you know, I never liked the way she did it. I told her she should go to the other hairdressers, the one I use, but she wouldn't hear of it. Susan's nephew, that's not her daughter's son, it's her other daughter - well, sort of because her other daughter is actually her step daughter, a terrible time she had of it I can tell you when she got divorced- he ran off to Canada! I've always wanted to go to Canada, but the flight times put me off, it's so far. Julie says when she went to Thailand she had a terrible headache for days and couldn't enjoy the holiday. Of course that's to do with the coach trip she went on to the resort, every pothole she felt, her and her dicky hip... they never did sort out that hip properly, I said she should go back to the hospital and COMPLAIN! But she wouldn't hear of it. I would complain, I'd be right in there and I'd say "HEY. You didn't do my hip properly and now it just doesn't work! It's worse than before!"

.... but Mum....

I mean, if you're going to complain you've got to go to the top person. It's like when I took that coat back to Marks, I said "I'm not speaking to just anyone, I want the manager!"

...but Mum....

etc.
etc.
etc.

Are you glad you asked now?!

MutantDisco Mon 28-Jan-19 12:51:02
('Vexed' is London teen slang for annoyed, for all the PP who have commented on it!! E.g. 'that gets me bare vexed').
As a pp said it's used in Shakespeare! Also ( my recollection) in The Blackpool Soliloquy (AKA The Lion and Albert monologue) , as a response to having one's child eaten by a lion 'Eee I am vexed!'

Sorry to derail OP. Your DM is being awful. Rise above

Do you have conversations with her about stuff you are doing or planning around your house? So she thinks you are consulting her? If so then stop, asyou could be over sharing with her, so she sticks her oar in where it isn't wanted.

If she criticises stuff around your house then shut her down in the way others have already suggested. It is your house, and your own money you are spending, so that is all there is to it. If she then really pushed tell her that if you had wanted her opinion you would have asked for it. You didn't want it, so that is the end of the matter.

As for the birthday present, just get her a gift card if that is her preference, having asked her first which one she would like. If after all of that she still kicks off then tell her that going forward you no longer wish to do birthdays with someone so rude and ungrateful.

Get her one for a shopping centre that can be used for any shop in there.

That way if she has a problem then it is because of her attitude and not you.

If this happens get her a voucher for B&Q

Rather more than London teen slang
Well done Yabbers for keeping the standards up

If OP's mum is being rude / disinterested about things that she'd previously have enjoyed then it's sounding more likely that depression is an issue. So focus on not taking it personally, and maybe try having a calm chat with her and asking how she is because you've noticed she seems to be more snappy / a bit irritable / low and are worried. Or send her a card (not for her birthday) and write that in it so she can think about it. Tell her you care (even if you're not convinced you mean it!) & you'd like to help if she thinks she could with it. If she throws it back in your face then you can feel vexed again, post on here and take a big step back. But at least you'll know you've tried & so won't have vexation & guilt at the same time.

There are some lovely caring people on here. The older I get (late 40s now), the less fucks I give frankly. Put yourself out for her or dont (I wouldnt, but thats me). Sometimes you have to protect your own mental health.

As an aside this thread has encouraged my name change!

Oh FFS @Yabbers et al - of course I know that vexed is a proper word A* at GCSE Latin. I'm just saying it also has an alternative usage.

@Gilead
So if your mums behaviour changed, after the death of a family member, you would just completely fuck her off over something like that?
What a lovely daughter 🤨

"So, I'm getting you a birthday present. I'm not returning it. If you don't like it I'll include a gift receipt and you can return it or use it but I'm getting you something that I believe you'll like and you'll use. I'm not getting you a gift card as it's very impersonal and not what I want to get for you".

Please don't do that, you'd be totally disregarding her wishes and making what she requests invalid, that's really shitty. She said gift card, let her choose what she wants, this makes me happy too. I loathe being given random stuff, even if it's the correct brand.

OP, why are you so desperate for your dm's approval? Why do you give a shit what she thinks of your blinds? I'm able to tell my mum and she me that something is not to my/her taste. My house looks nothing like hers and I want nothing of hers, despite her frequent demands to know what I want when she dies. 🙄 Don't worry, you don't need her to validate your choices.

Ok so from your update it seems that your mother is unlikely to be grieving the death of your step mother. However, many of us who mentioned her being bereaved were not aware of who died from your original post. So our comments were based on thinking it may have been close family to her. I daresay now that if her behaviour changed after the death of your step mother then she has taken issue with you, and possibly other family members, being upset by it. I think you need to have it out with her and tell her you notice her irrational behaviour has escalated following the death, that you appreciate she wasn't a fan of your step mother, but that you are entitled to feel upset at the death. You are entitled to help your father through his grief, if this is something you wish to do. Otherwise she will end up alienating you altogether.

Brilliant I haven’t spoken to my mother for over fifteen years. It’s fabulous. Mind you she started complaining about birthday presents when I was about thirteen. Got beaten all the way along the hall and sent out before breakfast to get something better. So I really don’t give a damn what sort of daughter you think I am.

Gosh, you sound enmeshed. Take a step back. You're a grown woman with your own life and your own children to worry about. Don't engage with your mother in relation to things that you know she'll be difficult about.

My mum was a bit like that. She had her good points too as I expect yours does.

Buy her a generic gift card and be done with it.

PS: I like 'vexed' too, it's an excellent word.

So basically she is punishing you for grieving the death of a woman she (understandably) hated?

2 options....have it out with her or ignore it. Personally Iwould go for the have-it-out option.

vexed is a fabulous word op!!

Absolutely

OP, the way I read your posts, you seem to think her criticism of your intended gifts and your blinds etc. aren't really expressions of how she feels about those things but are simply about trying to dig at you? That if someone else had said they were going to get her the Benefit make up she would have been happy about it?

If so, and you think it's connected to her realising you were upset at your stepmother's death, do you think some form of family counseling for the two of you might help?

Put a receipt in with the voucher. She can exchange.

Sounds like a control thing. Not to
Do with your loss but more about not getting enough attention or having to Prove something

Can you sit her down and ask what’s happened and why she has become like this?