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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Vexed at my mother.

77 replies

mommymooo · 28/01/2019 11:19

I'm sat here so annoyed at my mom I'm nearly in tears and need to vent my anger somewhere.
Today we have just had another argument about the blinds I've put up in my sons room as she doesn't think they "go" and her idea was better. And I brought the blinds and put them up without her say so. Hang one minute it's my house. My sons bedroom. My money. I'm 36 FFS.
The other part of the argument is her birthday is coming up and I brought her a "benefit" set with a bang mascara pore cream lip tint and highlighter pencil. I showed it to her in boots and said oh this is what I got you for your birthday (she hates surprises she has to know in advance) and she said "oh god no I don't want that I wouldn't use most of it you may as well keep it or take it back" FFS another trip to boots to return. So I get her a Michael buble purfume. That goes back. A nice photo frame I was going to put a photo of her grandson in. No they just create clutter. ARGH!!! So as you can imagine how the argument went. Basically she said just give her a gift card a fucking gift card she can ram that gift card where the sun don't shine. Why can't she just be grateful I'm so upset. Am I been stupid or is she been horrible. Shall I just buy her a gift card if I buy one I bet it's for the wrong place. I'll also add she hasn't always been like this.
It's seems it's been since a family member has died (not going into this)

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 28/01/2019 12:08

sorry my dm wanted to buy me a present. , which of course i ended up taking back.

Miane · 28/01/2019 12:10

Take a deep breath, as you say you are a 36 yr old adult, and you can choose if you are going to allow this to upset you.

This from Silly is exactly right. Don’t fall into adult/child conversations, take control and so adult/adult.

Firstly she doesn’t need to be shown the new blinds.

But if she does happen to notice them and complains you smile sweetly and say cheerfully “I like them”. You don’t have to argue.

If she goes on just say politely, calmly but firmly “Mum, I love you, but I’m very happy with the blinds. You don’t have to like them, but it’s my house and I do so that’s the end of the matter.

It’s very hard to argue with someone who won’t engage and IME you can say anything as long as you are polite and say it with a smile.

Re gifts. Ask her in advance what she would like. If she says a gift card ask where for and get her that, cheerfully handed over with a plant or a bunch of flowers.

She sounds like she’s struggling following a bereavement. There are things you can do to make your own like easier though.

RangeRider · 28/01/2019 12:16

If she goes on just say politely, calmly but firmly “Mum, I love you, but I’m very happy with the blinds. You don’t have to like them, but it’s my house and I do so that’s the end of the matter.
Re gifts. Ask her in advance what she would like. If she says a gift card ask where for and get her that
This ^^. The present is supposed to be about what the recipient wants, not what the giver wants to give. It doesn't matter if you feel that a gift card is thoughtless or uncaring or whatever - if it's what she wants then go with that. Job done, no more stress.
And when she criticises your choices just be polite but firm. Don't get emotional because you won't feel any better. Just acknowledge her opinion and say you're going with yours.
Why people feel the need for drama by wanting to cut someone out of their life (or settle them with something they don't want and won't use and which therefore is a complete waste of money) is beyond me. Just be nice. Don't look for arguments, don't join in with them. Polite, firm, non-committal. Your blood pressure will thank you.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 28/01/2019 12:17

Re: blinds. My son, my house, my money, my choice. End of discussion

Re: birthday. Card with money in the envelope. If she complains then tell her that you thought it best as she doesn't like anything that you buy her, and gift vouchers always seem to be for the wrong place. And that if it's such an issue then you won't bother getting her anything in the future.

I realise that grief manifests itself in different ways, but stop pandering to her! She's being bloody rude and difficult and it needs to stop, before she ends up alienating people with her behaviour and tantrums.

HoustonBess · 28/01/2019 12:19

Sounds like she's got lots of anger/upset/depression at the bereavement. You're right, you're a grown up. Sometimes that means recognising someone else isn't behaving logically but that you should offer support instead of getting angry about it.

Maybe something where you spend time with her, like taking her for lunch or to a spa, might be nicer than a gift? Bereavement can be massively stressful, something relaxing and supportive might help. Or something connected to the family member who died, like a framed picture or something?

HaveYouNamechangedForThis · 28/01/2019 12:26

Some people are just really picky and hate the thought of getting things they'll never use. It's lovely that you've tried so hard to please her and it's the thought that counts anyway, so if it ends up she gets a gift card as requested then she's happy, you're happy Smile You could always get her a gift card and then something really small to open (I might bet she likes useful stuff that she can use rather than has to love, like (say) luxury post-it notes, notepads, pen holder, candle or whatever.)

Personally I love gift cards myself as I have a drawer full of jewellery I'll never wear, tops I'll never wear, perfume I don't like etc. I don't mind smellies like shower gel as I'll just use those up no matter what the scent. (see, anything useful/consumable Smile).

As for the blinds, it's a shame she saw fit to express a negative opinion on it after the event. It's hardly like you'd rip them down and install her idea. I would probably try not to invite her opinion on home decoration in future and then just be ready to say "Well I like it/my DS likes it... shall we move on?"

Mayrhofen · 28/01/2019 12:27

she sounds a bit rude, but TBH I wouldn't want any of those presents either so I don't understand the issue with a gift card. It is what she wants, no effort for you and everyone's a winner.

As for the blinds? nah, nothing to do with her and I would tell her so, in the nicest possible way. "I don't care if they don't go mum, it's my house, I bought them and I like them". Conversation closed.

MorningsEleven · 28/01/2019 12:30

She sounds like an absolute tosser but Michael Bublé perfume is a travesty.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 28/01/2019 12:31

Oh I can relate OP

Lol I love my DM, do not get me wrong , but she is much the same.

I am older than you are , lived away from home since 1988, and still I get opinions and "why did you buy that ? Did you REALLY need that?" Well, um, Yes Mum hence they were bought . I now just let it wash over my head but I have about 20 years advantage over you in which I learned to just ignore.

Flowers
HaveYouNamechangedForThis · 28/01/2019 12:33

RangeRider"Just be nice. Don't look for arguments, don't join in with them. Polite, firm, non-committal. Your blood pressure will thank you."

This is really good advice but it's so hard to implement all the time with some people! My own DM has an infuriating communication technique in that she won't tell you the point of a story (or give you a clue) before she's started. She'll launch into a tale starting two thirds in, with tangents all over the show, she won't be interrupted, takes offence if you ask a question for orientation, so you have to sit there for as long as it takes with her meandering confusing story.

Even at the end she still won't have necessarily finished with the actual point. It's infuriating but my DH literally just smiles and nods all the way through - he's probably thinking about football results or something instead, but I actually try to follow the story, often fail (DH admits it's often impossible) and it's a toss up if DM and I end up fallen out at the end because to her it all made perfect sense. It would help if she gave you a clue at the start, but she doesn't.

Sometimes I think she likes to withhold the main point, because subconsciously it gives her power, knowing she knows. If you ask or try to guess what the point of the story is, she won't just tell you or confirm it, she says things like "I'm getting to it! Just wait!" (When you've waited a good 2-3 minutes of monologue already).

It's utterly infuriating but I do try and take a leaf out of DH's book and just smile and nod. And that's it.

mommymooo · 28/01/2019 12:36

I know I said I'm not going into it but how does the death of my dads wife my step mom. They split over 20 years ago turn her into the evil witch.
I can't buy flowers as they die. Spas are also a waste of money. Afternoon tea she thinks are stupid and poncy.
I don't mind buying the vouchers I just find them incredibly impersonal and she as said the same in the past. It's like she suddenly hates me because I was upset about the death myself

OP posts:
GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 28/01/2019 12:37

Bublé water Grin

Your mum sounds like a piece of work, and that she knows she can manipulate and upset you like this OP. I'm so sorry, but I think for your own sake you must step back and stop trying to please her. What she thinks of you really doesn't matter. You sound so lovely, be kind to yourself.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 28/01/2019 12:37

Some people dont like presents - so dont buy her one. Job done.

sillysmiles · 28/01/2019 12:39

@HaveYouNamechangedForThis listening to your mother tell her story for a few minutes is a problem??? Confused

usernamealreadytaken · 28/01/2019 12:39

I absolutely agree with RangeRider, The present is supposed to be about what the recipient wants, not what the giver wants to give. It doesn't matter if you feel that a gift card is thoughtless or uncaring or whatever - if it's what she wants then go with that. Job done, no more stress.

I've lost count of the number of lovely gifts which I've been given by well meaning friends and family, that are just completely not me and end up either going in to the PTA raffle or to the charity shop - such a waste of money and thought. It's not even that the presents aren't lovely, it's that I don't wear makeup, don't wear that scent, prefer a particular brand of coffee, etc etc. Far, far better (for both yours and DM's mental health, as well as for the environment) to stop buying stuff YOU like and you WANT DM to like, and actually get something useful and which will be appreciated.

You don't like your DM trying to impose her views on blinds on you, but you are insistent on imposing your views on presents on her. Maybe she is just as upset about your insistence.

sillysmiles · 28/01/2019 12:43

@mommymoo - hmmmm - yes because calling your mother an "evil witch" is obviously helpful. It's blinds and a gift card. Maybe you should start acting like a 36 yr.

Perhaps death of her ex's wife has made her face the reality that she is aging and her peers are dying. This woman was very much a peer in terms of age/position in life etc.

mommymooo · 28/01/2019 12:45

My mom never ever used to be like this and never regifted my gifts. She loves benefit make up Sad

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2019 12:46

I wouldn’t bother buying her anything, maybe just a card and some cheap flowers, she will probably moan about your choice of gift card anyway as she seems like the type who just likes to moan about things.

mommymooo · 28/01/2019 12:48

@sillysmiles she was 46 cancer takes young people my dad had a much younger woman.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 12:49

Some people dont like presents - so dont buy her one. Job done.

Agreed. I don't like presents and never want anything. Some people just don't want stuff.

MutantDisco · 28/01/2019 12:51

('Vexed' is London teen slang for annoyed, for all the PP who have commented on it!! E.g. 'that gets me bare vexed').

pineapplebryanbrown · 28/01/2019 12:56

My mum is very awkward regarding presents but I realised I was getting her what I wanted to get her. I don't really bother now - I write a sweet and funny poem and put it in the card. Also she's obsessed with a particular male celeb so I get anything with him on - pillowcases, 6 foot cardboard cutouts, framed photos. It's really creepy but the only present she has ever truly liked!

Yabbers · 28/01/2019 13:00

I just find them incredibly impersonal

But your gifts aren’t personalised if she hates them. It’s not impersonal because it’s what she would like.

Just tell her to jog on with the blinds. Just repeat “I like them”

Vexed' is London teen slang for annoyed
From the Latin vexare.

“Vexed I am of late with passions of some difference” - From Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar.

Rather more than London teen slang 😄

Wordthe · 28/01/2019 13:01

It's not cliff Richard is it?

Silkie2 · 28/01/2019 13:03

Jings, I'm sure it's all about you being, in her eyes, very upset at the death of your DSM, it's brought up a million uncomfortable feelings and memories I should think. I'm sure you can remember cringing moments from your teens, or sad times from your childhood, I don't think the 20 years makes these sad or angering memories disappear.

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