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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a bloody family holiday!!

91 replies

Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 10:31

I don't mean my own family
obviously.
Talking about other close relatives.
Back story is in the past we have had many holidays with both my sibling and DPs sibling and their partners.
Had good times but also some bloody nightmares.
My family slightly worse as a bit argumentative,mainly with each other. DP is quiet and has,quite rightly,had enough.
His family bossy and take over and one member moody at times.
This pisses me off.
Overall though we all like each other if that makes sense!
Anyway over time we have phased these hols out and we just go away on our own.pick what we like and we know what we like. All great.
Now his family asked us for a short break away. I'm neutral on this . Don't want to go or not go. Not fussed.

Place looks nice but not somewhere I particularly am desperate to go to.
DP is keen and offered to pay!!! If it was a one off i wouldn't be so concerned,but I'm.worried that it's the slippery slope to more breaks away. No fucking away.

So stupid me has reluctantly agreed.
Today I feel irrationally annoyed at myself for being a pushover but I didn't actually have an excuse to say no.
I'm annoyed as obviously out of the two awkward families I'd prefer mine but I'm going away with his!!
He seems quite chuffed by it all

OP posts:

Pk37 · 28/01/2019 19:22

Ah yes, I see your point .
Try and make this the last one then so you don’t have your holidays dictated to you .
I totally understand that as sadly I live for my holidays but I’m happy to go anywhere

Pk37 · 28/01/2019 19:23

*maybe not “anywhere”

Maelstrop · 28/01/2019 19:55

So while you're on this holiday, drop several comments in about how you're looking forward to going to insert destination with JUST dp next whenever. When the inlaws look horrified (or worse, interested and ask to come!) just bumble on about how you're going to have lots of sex and enjoy each other's company exclusively. 🤣

girlywhirly · 28/01/2019 20:56

So you tell DP’s family that in order to come on the break with them, you have had to sacrifice other breaks, also that you are committed to various large expenditures/stuff that needs doing, so will not be able to go away with them again (for however many months you choose)

I don’t know why you won’t justify not having enough annual leave, it’s the best reason of all for not going away! They are the ones with a problem if they keep on pushing you and DP to do things you don’t want to or aren’t able to do. You are going to have to upset someone at some point if they are that dense.

As you are committed to this break, start making arrangements for just you and your family to spend time doing things separately from the relatives. Make it clear you won’t be spending every moment together with them, say you’ll meet them for dinner in the evening. Go out for a morning here, an afternoon there, with them only if they are going to do something that suits you.

Ragwort · 29/01/2019 18:01

I just don't get all the angst about why grown adults can't say 'no thanks', you seem to want to be in control of your DP's time and money, perhaps he really wants to go but doesn't like to seem too keen because you're not? I agree it is too late to change your mind this time but make it clear that in future if DP wants to go away with his family he can take the DC but you will do your own thing. So what if his family think you are a bit anti-social, does it matter?

jwpetal · 29/01/2019 20:16

Part of being in a relationship is learning to be part of another family. Of course he is happy to be with his family. There is a connection and as we get older that connection may grow stronger. That is being part of a relationship. You could lie and not be part of his family, but then what kind of unit are you? a partnership?

yes, you could say no. But then when the tables are turned, would you like your partner to think this way?

browneyes77 · 29/01/2019 20:24

At least you’re in a position where you can possibly get your DP to say no. And you don’t mind being around these people.

My DP keeps inviting his mother on holiday with us (most of the time without even asking me) and she always say yes. Drives me insane!! (That’s a whole other thread ).

Parthenope · 29/01/2019 20:33

Gosh, that's not the case for me -- when I married DH, I certainly didn't 'join' his family. I have my own family, and he and I and DS are a family of our own. I'm quite fond of his family, as it happens, but I don't view marriage as a merging of the clans.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 29/01/2019 20:40

There's a simple solution staring you in the face, OP. Tell him you aren't struck on going but you'll do it for him, on the strict understanding that all future family holidays are strictly in turn, his family, your family. He won't be in a hurry to suggest the next one, and it's your get out for any approaches from his family. Sorry, it's not your turn!

HepzibahHumbug · 29/01/2019 20:49

I spent three.5 weeks with my parents and dd 10 last summer. Dd loved it; it nearly killed me. I can't imagine what holidaying with in laws must be like but if yr working ft away from home and have limited holidays with your DP and DCs DO NOT do anything that isn't going to make you happy and relaxed together.

HepzibahHumbug · 29/01/2019 20:53

Haha! You should start that thread. What to do when MIL is always on holiday with you.

browneyes77 · 29/01/2019 21:18

Haha! You should start that thread. What to do when MIL is always on holiday with you.

I’m too scared of it ending up in a tabloid mag and my DP seeing it on bloody Facebook in his newsfeed!

rosablue · 29/01/2019 22:22

Op could you get back to them and say that they caught you on the hop the other day and that now that you’ve had a chance to sit and look at details of the destination and looking at your long list of places to go to and your limited resources, plus looking at the cost of the trip as it looks like it’s going to be expensive, more than you (the royal you ie you and dp!) really gave spare for an extra holiday, how about going to x or y or z (somewhere you’d like to go to!) as the destination doesn’t look like it’s very interesting (or whatever reasons - if they like noisy and you don’t say it looks like it’s going to be much too noisy to be a nice relaxing break, or vice versa, or if you love looking around historical places/beaches/nice long walks/etc and they don’t say that after all it doesn’t even have any museums/beaches/anywhere to walk/etc so as a destination you’d all be setting yourselves up to fail, whereas x, y or z have some fantastic museums/beaches/walks etc and they’re much more reasonable (put in at least a couple of options if not 3) so it would be a holiday you could all really look forward to as there would be so many lovely things to do and it would be cheaper...

Then at least if they say yes you get to go to somewhere you want to go and if not - then st least you’ll know that you told them up front that it was too expensive and not your thing. If they take the jump and say that they have chosen it for exactly the reasons you want to avoid then you could more easily say that it sounds like they all want very different things from the holiday so it make sense to do your own thing as going on you idea of a great holiday will make them annoyed just as going somewhere you don’t want to go to Will upset you.

Fingers crossed you end up out of it!

Catsinthecupboard · 30/01/2019 03:58

I realize i'm probably a decade or 2 older but for perspective, mothers in law die.

My dreadful mil did in October after truly hating me for 3 decades. She finally, ON HER DEATHBED, decided she liked me.

My point is. Dont be a pushover, but don't be cruel either. It's dp's mother. You'll probably be a mil someday.

You're setting example and fostering relationship with dp. You'll still have holidays and shory trips. Give a bit. Even if it's not wonderful, dp wil appreciate you more for being giving to him and his family.

Now that she's gone. Dh is very grateful i was kind.

ralfeesmum · 30/01/2019 11:18

The big, big, big downside to the 'Family Holiday' is that you'll most likely NEED another holiday to get over it.

One of those daft facts of life!

LovelyIssues · 31/01/2019 17:56

Just say no very simple

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