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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a bloody family holiday!!

91 replies

Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 10:31

I don't mean my own family
obviously.
Talking about other close relatives.
Back story is in the past we have had many holidays with both my sibling and DPs sibling and their partners.
Had good times but also some bloody nightmares.
My family slightly worse as a bit argumentative,mainly with each other. DP is quiet and has,quite rightly,had enough.
His family bossy and take over and one member moody at times.
This pisses me off.
Overall though we all like each other if that makes sense!
Anyway over time we have phased these hols out and we just go away on our own.pick what we like and we know what we like. All great.
Now his family asked us for a short break away. I'm neutral on this . Don't want to go or not go. Not fussed.

Place looks nice but not somewhere I particularly am desperate to go to.
DP is keen and offered to pay!!! If it was a one off i wouldn't be so concerned,but I'm.worried that it's the slippery slope to more breaks away. No fucking away.

So stupid me has reluctantly agreed.
Today I feel irrationally annoyed at myself for being a pushover but I didn't actually have an excuse to say no.
I'm annoyed as obviously out of the two awkward families I'd prefer mine but I'm going away with his!!
He seems quite chuffed by it all

OP posts:
Parthenope · 28/01/2019 12:41

But that wouldn't have made you a 'bitch', unless you were spectacularly rude, Snap. It would have made you someone who didn't want to go on a holiday.

In future, solve this by letting your DH handle all communications with his side of the family.

pineapplebryanbrown · 28/01/2019 12:42

OP - you're not being a bitch - you're pissed off at being controlled by someone's else reactions. Do it this time and have a stock answer ready that you and DP agree on for everything in the future "we really love you but we prefer to reconnect and just to be us on holidays, everyone's different after all".

Just repeat it and if there are any arguments keep saying "everyone's different, that's just the way we like to holiday".

Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 12:42

Yes parth
It is a choice I agree.
I'm just annoyed that as a couple we agreed no more holidays or weekends away. Plenty of meals out going to each other's houses etc. Just not holidays.
I've kept my bargain. He's gotten roped into this one.
If it was family I didn't see i wouldnt care about being blunt But we do see each other a lot
I'd like to be able to say thanks for the offer but no thanks. All I would get is "why?"

OP posts:
Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 12:46

Im not bothered about upsetting them. I just don't want to.
If they hadnt asked or not pressured it wouldn't have been an issue

If it was me, i would have said
"Do you fancy going to such and such .place?"
If so let me know. If can't make it then no worries.

OP posts:
oohyoudevilyou · 28/01/2019 12:48

Yeah and the older I get the less tolerant I am of other people. And doing stuff to people please.

But isn't this what family life is about? Just because it pleases someone else, doesn't mean it can't also be OK for you too. FWIW my kids and our parents..especially our parents.. love their holidays with extended family. Of course there have been the odd flare-ups whilst we've been away, but we have those when it's just our nuclear family anyway - even just DH and I! Going away together makes us feel connected, gives us something to chat about, funny anecdotes we share. There are ways of getting a little time away from everyone - we always manage, even though there's some car-sharing involved! I understand that you don't want to go though, so just have the guts to say, rather than expect your DP present it as his choice to decline.

CerealChiller · 28/01/2019 12:51

I agree with you OP. I get it. In fact I'm already dreading the wait for it this year with the "let's do a holiday all together this year, it'll be lovely with the kids" bullshit. It's hard to get out or for us because we generally don't pay!

All I can suggest is going along with it this year now but making it VERY clear you will not be doing it again.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 28/01/2019 12:54

It is not his place go tell them he doesn't want to go when in fact it is you that doesn't, just tell them, do you need you husband to do everything for you?

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 12:54

I'd like to be able to say thanks for the offer but no thanks. All I would get is "why?"

I prefer just meeting up for days out
I like doing different things
We are saving to go to a different location
I just prefer to go away with dp and children
We want to use our money for (specific activity)
It not really my thing any more
etc.

It's not that hard.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 28/01/2019 13:02

When you got the invitation to go, you should have had a frank discussion with your DP before one of you gave your family's response. Neither DH or I would agree to a holiday without first discussing it together. We say something like... 'thank you for inviting us, I will chat it through with DH/DW and get back to you'. Then we discuss and respond with a yes or a polite no. We then keep repeating the no as necessary. Should one of us think we might like to change our mind, then we discuss it together again.

Did your DP agree before discussing with you first?

Or did you cave to their pressure after you gave a united no?

And you can definitely send DP and any DCs. Just thank your inlaws for inviting him + kids as you are so looking forward to some me time at a spa. Then get on a book something Grin

Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 13:07

onlyjoined
No I can do things for myself thank you.
He said he did not want to go away in a group again. He would not have suggested it but he is too scared to say no to his family.
He would rather go than cause a scene.
As we had pre agreed no more breaks then I think it's his place to tell His family.
Likewise,If my family ask me then I will say no,not him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 13:09

We did discuss. He said wouldnt choose to go but didnt mind going either and therefore i felt under pressure

OP posts:
LiverpoolVictoria · 28/01/2019 13:10

I'm in the same boat as you OP. We have agreed a family holiday this year, which is in August, and DP's parents are already talking about going away again in 2020 as a family! They pay, so DH thinks it's all fine, but they are soooo different to me and my family.
I don't mind every few years, but not EVERY year! I want to go away with my OH and DD on our own, and do the things we want to do, and not have to spend 3 hours in a car travelling to no-where to 'see what's there'.... Hmm

I don't want to have them monopolise our holidays, which isn't just holiday entitlement we have to take from work, it's the additional cost of spending money, flights (they don't pay for them) and activities when there.

When we go away this year if next year does get bought up I will just say no, and that might be awkward but I think it's also selfish to assume we would want to every year.

Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 13:11

And I can't describe it as an invitation.
It was more shall we go to this place and can you do this date?cheeky fucker I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 13:15

liverpool
This is what happened with us. Went away one year and it was great. Then it became every year
And sometimes twice. Plus weekends away
It was them choosing and me saying no I don't want to go there. Cue them saying WHY and getting arsey. Or us booking own hol and them.booking same place!!I've had enough .
My annual leave is precious.
Us going on this trip means sacrificing another little break i was planning despite what do is promising me.

OP posts:
LiverpoolVictoria · 28/01/2019 13:16

That's what we had, OP! They said at Christmas.....'So in 2020 we'll all go to X!'. No 'can you' or 'do you want to', just a 'we will all go'.
OH was all excited, and I was a bit Shock
Caused an argument with my OH, but I want to have family holidays with my husband and daughter, make memories with just them.

Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 13:19

Yes yes Liverpool. Exactly same here.
I'm.pissed off its happening again
Really pissed off

Yes the place looks nice. But it's still spending several hundred pounds. Not a massive amount but id already earmarked a holiday to particular place we love and a few UK places I've wanted to go to for ages. Not some random place..

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 13:20

He would rather go than cause a scene.

But isn't this exactly how you feel too?

Why is it ok for you to feel that but wrong for him?

comebacksoonsusan · 28/01/2019 13:21

Is it too late to say something about annual leave? That you miscalculated the days and sorry can't go now? ( I'm a Teacher so unfamiliar with taking leave) Then be breezy and vague in the future.

Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 13:33

It's ok.for me to not want to cause a scene as not my family. He should have the guts to speak to own siblings.
Just like I'd tell my family a firm no but wouldn't expect him to be the one to do it.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 13:37

Well he doesn't have the guts to do it so that's not one of your options.

Either you have the guts to do it or you're going on this holiday whether you like it or not.

I know which I'd choose.

Summeriscomin · 28/01/2019 13:42

Yeah I put a stop to extended family holidays. It’s not fun when the full day revolves around getting pissed and finding a karaoke. Especially with young kids.

systemwwr · 28/01/2019 13:49

Your DP sounds keen. So you go, or don't. Repeating the same thing online won't help you, you need to speak to him about it rather than talking yourself in circles getting wound up.

"I have limited time off and money and so we're trying to squeeze other things in this year. Thanks for the offer though, hope you have a lovely time." - honest and clear probably would've worked. If they push "We really can't" and "No thanks" are very clear.

coconutpie · 28/01/2019 17:09

It's not just about the money, it's also about your precious time off. You only get certain amounts of days off per year if you are working so those days are precious! Spending those days on other people just because you don't want to "appear unkind" means you're just allowing them to be unkind to you as they are taking over your precious days off!

I used to want to people please and use my time off to suit others, not anymore. I've realised that I can say no, can't do that and that answer will just have to do. Time off from work is precious so nip this in the bud now. Tell your DP that you both agreed no more family holidays and now he's gone and agreed to one and bulldozed you into it. You don't want to go and wanted to spend it going to X place as a couple instead. Or if he still wants to go, let him go on his own and you can have some peace at home for a few days.

Pk37 · 28/01/2019 17:26

Bit of course he would be more enthusiastic to spend time with his family over yours , just like you would rather spend time with your family than his!
You said you were neutral, you don’t sound it .
Stop being petty and go and if they suggest another then just say no

Original poster
Snapisallicanplay · 28/01/2019 19:06

I will gonna it's booked now. I said I was neutral in the sense I can't get excited about it. But a short break isn't the worst thing in the world.
Just annoyed at myself that I just didn't say no full stop.
But its escalated quickly. From shall we go here ,to being sent lots of pictures and links to various places. I didnt have time to digest it

Its just a few days out if my year I guess.
Just I love my holidays and love searching and planning myself
Not to have someone say let's go here(random.place)
Looks nice. But still.

OP posts: