Aibu, childminders behaviour, do i move both children?

[Haypanky]

So Dd is 4, ds is not yet 2. Both go to a local childminder, who has Ds all day 3x a week, and takes Dd to and from preschool for me. We've had a few issues settling Dd in, and I'm the first to say she can be extremely stubborn and can have the emotional maturity of a fish. She's also quite anxious under it all. But after a rocky start, things were going OK.

Last week at drop off, Dd hesitated at the door. The childminder took her arm. Dd pulled back, the childminder pulled more, dragged her in screaming and shut the door. Dd says she wasn't allowed to get down from the table and had to face the wall. Preschool said Dd was very upset at drop off and felt sad.

Dh got home, and texted saying something like 'oh dear etc, we find Dd doesn't react well to manhandling, next time might be better to talk to her'. Childminder basically got the hump at us for implying she'd mishandled the situation. Dh ended up apologising.

Next day I did drop off, childminder was still in a hump and very off with Dd (Dd was really good, I was so proud/relieved!). I smoothed her down.

Then at pick up I received a pretty narky note, saying childminder was very raw still, we are implying she mishandled things, she's been a childcare professional for x yrs and a mother for x, she's had complaints and Dd still hasn't apologised! She doesn't propose to be put through the mill again and basically this is Dd's last warning. Having been nicey nicey, my blood did boil at this! Aibu?!

I could just about live with the childminder pulling Dd, if she'd then shown willing to discuss better tactics. But Aibu to think you don't hold a grudge against a 4yo for not apologising?!

Dd is not going back, easy to do breakfast and after school club instead. But what do I do about ds? He's settled there and it works for us logistically. But aibu to just not want him there anymore?

Advice please, do i leave Ds there or look elsewhere?

Also - who told you how she handled DD on that morning? Was it the nursery staff?

Ah - so unless DD was standing safely or someone was holding her hand, (your DH) the child was maybe trying to run?? We don't know. Is the front door near a roadway?

I always held on to a screaming child, (mine), because they are not rational at that point and can run, hurt themselves or get into danger.

We don't know the situation so to advise you to report the CM is ridiculous. It is clear that the match isn't a good one so absolutely remove your DS - that is simple and I am sure the CM would agree.

It was Dd who said about sitting at the table and facing the wall, but she doesn't usually lie outright. I am taking this report as a possible exaggeration though! As she's 4! Things have defo been blown up by use of text and notes instead of talking. It's all spiralled.

There is no road, it's down an alley, so no danger. Dd hung back probably because ds wasn't out of buggy yet and daddy was doing drop off.

I would move them both and I wouldn’t pay the four weeks’ notice either as it’s a safeguarding issue. Pulling dd roughly and a humiliating punishment. Let her take you to the small claims court if she wants to. I bet she won’t.

I'm not planning on reporting (and who to, anyway?) as feel like she did the wrong thing, which I can about live with, but not happy with subsequent reactions. Dd is now sorted, I'll make arrangements for ds and do our notice politely. Then duck around corners every time I see her on the school run for the next 10yrs!

I think when you only have small children you sometimes don't realise how small they actually are. 4's pretty much a baby still, in the grand scheme. Pulling and dragging a 4yo and making her face the wall? No, no and no again.

I'm sorry but I would have been removing my daughter the second that woman pulled her. Your so-called 'childminder' sounds like a plain and simple bully - she's bullied your dd, she bullied your dh (he ended up apologising?) and now she's trying to bully you some more, relying on her tone making you feel in the wrong so you'll fall into line.

I'd be removing both children today and passing that note to Ofsted, with an account of the events leading up to it.

Even if you’re not planning on reporting (to the inspecting body), I still wouldn’t leave ds with this childminder or pay the four weeks’ notice!

Take them both out and don't send them back. She can't control her temper. I'd be afraid of what she'd do to your kids. It's a safeguarding issue. Just don't do it.

U report to ofstead so no-one else child has to suffer this woman

Sorry, but if someone pulled my four year old and punished her for being reluctant to go in, there’s no way I’d have left any of my children with that person again.

I notice that you're quite down on your dd. I refer you back to the beginning of my last post about small children. She's 4! 4yos aren't supposed to have 'emotional maturity'. Stubbornness is an evolutionarily essential component of young children's emotional makeup, as if they weren't 'stubborn' they'd never master any of the skills they need to learn and practise again and again. And she's anxious. I wonder how much of this anxiety is related to the situation/past events with the CM?

If this is how she behaves in front of you, what are her standards behind closed doors?

Do you have to give 4 weeks notice? Seriously? At the least this childminder mildly assaulted your DD so depending on contract terms 1 week or less notice should be sufficient, I think...

A close relative of mine had an issue when they were dropping off their DD at nursery and their DD got upset and the parent felt it hadn't been handled well at the time, BUT, they had a meeting with the nursery to resolve the issues as the DD has been there for almost a year with no other issues. That's what 'could' have been done in your case if the childminder was sane.

Actually OP I would report this CM to the inspecting body as if she does this to your DD then what else does she do to other DC in her care out of people's sight and sound?

Re my Dd I guess I just didn't want to be told I was being soft so wanted to be clear that I realise she can be tricky?! She's 4, she's only learning, and that's as it should be. My parenting approach is very much to build her up, rather than trying to break her!! I want her to grow into a confident woman!

I would tell the childminder that she has breached the contract by failing to safeguard your dd, so you won’t be giving notice.

If your child is there atm, drop what you’re doing and collect him. Never to return.

And your DH - he needs to get with the bloody programme

I think my next step will be to talk to preschool quite matter of factly telling them what happened. And get their advice re the childminder. She had been highly recommended by them.

I think that if you want your children to grow up confident, they nee to know you have their backs. Sending them back into a situation that is risky for them is going to undermine their confidence in you and their confidence in their own perception of events.

But right now I am going to view a nursery for ds, fingers crossed!

No I wouldn’t
That’s drawing others in to it and creating drama

You need to report to local authority your concerns.

Dd went back the next day for 30mins, to be literally walked round to preschool by the childminder, and hasn't been back since. I wouldn't have sent her back had I known how off the childminder was going to be and that she'd hold a grudge against a 4yo!!!

I need to digest all this re Ds and our notice period. I can't afford to pay double childcare but if she insisted on the 4wks in our contract then maybe grandparents will have him for a couple of wks.

I would take both kids out and report it to Ofsted. If she is prepared to do that in front of you what does she do behind closed doors when parents aren’t present? She’s not suitable to be a childminder and I’d be worried for the kids in her care.