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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I need to tell the father?

57 replies

anon82913 · 27/01/2019 22:41

I'm currently 17 and around 2 months pregnant. The father is also 17. He and I are not talking and he has blocked both my phone number and social media after an argument we had a couple of weeks ago. Immature, I know, but I don't currently have any way of contacting him and he's made it fairly clear that he wants it this way. We really don't get on and have been on and off and almost constantly arguing for around 3 years now, he's immature and also extremely unreliable, since I've known him he's constantly let me down, said he'd do things, be places, etc.. and never followed through and as well as this I have recently found out that he had a girlfriend at the same time as we were seeing each other. He has also been in a lot of trouble over the past year due to fighting and drugs.

As far as I know, legally I don't have to tell him but I'm more asking morally. I originally thought it was an obvious choice not to tell him but everyone around me is telling me that this would be wrong, leading me to doubt my actual intentions and now I'm not unsure whether I believe that this would actually be best for my child or if it would actually just be better for me.

We don't have any of the same friends so unless I was to tell him it's unlikely he'd find out.

I don't know if anyone can really give me advice as I can't really give every single detail but honestly, I'm just looking for some unbiased input.

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 27/01/2019 22:42

Morally yes, I think he has a right to know.

timetoriseandshine · 27/01/2019 22:43

Morally in my book anyway i think he has a right to know, but that's absolutely your choice.
May I ask what you plan to do? Have the baby or not?

dalmatianmad · 27/01/2019 22:45

Hope you are getting plenty of family support?

Think you should deffo tell him and then it's up to him whether he chooses to be involved?

TrixieFranklin · 27/01/2019 22:45

I would tell him but if you're happy to do so - make it clear that you aren't expecting anything of him unless he wants to be involved (I assume that would be fine with you as if you didn't even tell him you would also have no help from him).

CoastalLife · 27/01/2019 22:48

What will you tell your child when they ask about their father? How do you think your decision to prevent them knowing their other parent could affect them? How do you think it could affect your relationship with them? They could easily end up with one absent parent and another who they resent. You need to tell him. If he lets you both down then that's on him and you can explain that to your child with a clear conscience.

CoastalLife · 27/01/2019 22:50

Have you told your parents, OP? Are they supporting you?

sue51 · 27/01/2019 22:51

The moral thing to do is tell him. If you continue with the pregnancy, he has a legal and moral obligation to provide financially for his child when he is working. I hope your family support you whatever you decide. Good luck.

Ozziewozzie · 27/01/2019 22:53

I'd tell him. Some people do manage to turn their lives around. Although I'm not condoning it, taking drugs at 17 is sadly fairly common nowadays. He could very well mature out of it as well as the unreliability and aggression.(always hope)
Your child will definitely want to know who her/his dad is.
If he proves himself to be negative entity in your baby's life then you will have grounds for restricted or supervised access. But at least you know you've attempted what's best for your child.
I was a right madam at 17, yet I'd like to think I'm a good mum. People can grow up....eventually

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2019 22:57

I would tell him but DO NOT allow him back into your life and think long and hard before putting him on the birth certificate. A young man involved with violence and drugs is not someone you want anywhere near your baby.

ecuse · 27/01/2019 22:57

Morally I think he has a right to know, BUT: the decision on whether or not to proceed with the pregnancy is yours, and yours alone. He has the right to an opinion, and to information, but you get to decide. Good luck whatever you decide :)

happygrumpysleepy · 27/01/2019 22:57

If you’re keeping it tell him.

If you’re not then I wouldn’t because it’s a very personal decision

jessstan2 · 27/01/2019 23:18

Yes, what happygrumpysleepy said.

There's no need for anyone to know if you have a termination and you're only two months pregnant at the moment, now is the time to arrange it.

Cut the guy out of your life and move on. You have so much ahead of you.

I've known people in similar relationships to the one you describe, they spent years of their young life not doing very much except for being with the bloke - sometimes. When it was over their lives improved dramatically, they looked back and wondered why they had been such a mug!

for you and good luck with your future.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/01/2019 23:19

Two months is still early. You still have time to decide either way about the pregnancy. 17 is very young; you have your whole life in front of you.

PopCakes · 27/01/2019 23:22

I wouldn't tell him anything now. If you don't have the baby there's no reason for him to know. If you do end up having the baby I do think he should know. He's 17 now, in 5 years time he might be more mature and be able to provide something for his child. Morally he needs to know. That said there's no rush. Decide what you want to do, get your own ducks in a row then worry about telling him in your own time.

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2019 23:24

Personally, I don't think he has any right to know. He had a relationship with you, he had sex with you, now he has blocked you.

However, I do think your baby has a right to know who his or her dad is.

Lies and secrecy have a way of corroding peace and I think you would be better to let him know.

If you know where he lives etc or where his parents live you could send a letter. You could even explore the best way to do it (signed for letter etc) which explains the situation and what you expect, or do not expect.

I would not put him on the birth certificate (I think you probably cannot do so unless he is married to you or with you when registering).

I would not allow him unsupervised access to baby and if he wants this and you do not want this I would look into ensuring that visiting is suitable, because he is involved with drugs and fighting not because you have broken up.

Are you keeping baby, do you have support?

For your next relationship choose wisely, you had years of him treating you badly, you need to value yourself more. You really do, especially if the next man you meet could be your baby's step dad.

Good luck.

WellBHouse · 27/01/2019 23:24

Agree with happygrumpy.
If you choose to tell him, you don’t have to put his name on the birth certificate as you’re not married. Baby can also have your surname, there is no law about naming babies.

Purpleartichoke · 27/01/2019 23:40

If you are continuing the pregnancy, he has a right and a responsibility to the child. I would think long and hard about if you want to be coparenting with him for the next two decades.

JasperKarat · 28/01/2019 00:07

Yes you ought to tell him. He's immature and unreliable but he still has the right to know and to step up. Your baby has the right to the chance of a relationship with their father. If you tell him and he sods off you've done the right thing and can look your child in the eye, if youb dint tell him your child will resent you.

Lizadork · 28/01/2019 00:32

I got pregnant at 15 and I didn't tell the father. I have a good family network of support so for us, it was best not to tell because it meant we avoided the years of drama. Just be open to the future of them wanting to know each other and having a relationship. But right now do what is best for you!!

Just have to read a few mumsnet threads to see how troublesome shared parenting can be.

Notsurprisedatall · 28/01/2019 05:37

Morally, you should tell him as your baby has a legal right to know both parents. It sounds like both of you need to do a lot of maturing a fast, I know you're both 17 but you need to put the baby first and get over yourselves and any arguments.
Tell him and see how he responds, don't make demands, don't push him, don't nag him, give him the information and see how it goes.
Make sure you have plenty of support.

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2019 05:47

Yeah if you're keeping the baby then he should know. Do you have any good mutual friends or family that can help you tell him? You don't have to put him on the birth certificate or give the child his name

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/01/2019 06:01

If you're going to continue the pregnancy, unless he's actually abusive, then morally you should tell him (for your future child's sake as well as his), but you don't have to rush to it. If you have decided to have an abortion then there is no need to let him know.

Maryjoyce · 28/01/2019 06:06

The fact you say he’s involved in drugs would mean I’d never tell him.
Morals or not anyone into drugs can onlymean trouble so your best off without them in your life

Maryjoyce · 28/01/2019 06:08

So no way in the world tell him anything

RedHelenB · 28/01/2019 06:14

If you have an abortion then I wouldn't. If you keep the baby then he's the father andneeds to be told.. The decision on what to do about this pregnancy us up to you.

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