Do I need to tell the father?

[anon82913]

I'm currently 17 and around 2 months pregnant. The father is also 17. He and I are not talking and he has blocked both my phone number and social media after an argument we had a couple of weeks ago. Immature, I know, but I don't currently have any way of contacting him and he's made it fairly clear that he wants it this way. We really don't get on and have been on and off and almost constantly arguing for around 3 years now, he's immature and also extremely unreliable, since I've known him he's constantly let me down, said he'd do things, be places, etc.. and never followed through and as well as this I have recently found out that he had a girlfriend at the same time as we were seeing each other. He has also been in a lot of trouble over the past year due to fighting and drugs.

As far as I know, legally I don't have to tell him but I'm more asking morally. I originally thought it was an obvious choice not to tell him but everyone around me is telling me that this would be wrong, leading me to doubt my actual intentions and now I'm not unsure whether I believe that this would actually be best for my child or if it would actually just be better for me.

We don't have any of the same friends so unless I was to tell him it's unlikely he'd find out.

I don't know if anyone can really give me advice as I can't really give every single detail but honestly, I'm just looking for some unbiased input.

There’s no legal requirement to tell him. Unless of course you are going to try and claim child support in the future

I wouldn’t tell him. The grief it would cause you at a time when you’re already young and vulnerable wouldn’t be worth it.

I grew up never knowing my father. There was a question mark over my paternity and neither suspect wanted to know. It was hidden from me my whole life even when I was in the same class at school as potential family members.

Don’t do that. Make sure you are honest and open with your child. They are the only one who matters in this.

And DO NOT put him on the birth certificate.

Clearly you are both way too immature to be having a baby but that's beside the point I guess as clearly you want one.

Was he all of the things you say he is BEFORE you chose to have a baby or is this a sudden thing? Perhaps he's done something to piss you off and keeping this to yourself is the punishment?

If you want to be a mother then start being one and think of your child over your hurt feelings. Child deserves to know and father should also know. Time to grow up now

I don't think I would tell him and I wouldn't under any circumstances have him on the birth certificate if I did

Have you decided whether you are continuing with the pregnancy? Have you looked into all the practicalities of supporting a baby and child and how it will fit in with your education and life goals. I know lots of young parents that do an amazing job of raising their babies, but I also know a lot who struggle, and who find the grind of single Parenthood on a limited income very difficult.

If you are continuing with the pregnancy, then yes, you do have a moral right to let him know. You child deserves to know that you didn't try and keep his father from him.

UNLESS you think telling him is going to put you at physical risk. Then it is much more complicated.

It is a lot for anyone to deal with. I hope you have good support.

Morally yes you should tell him. But I think you need to take some time to think about it first. How do you think it's going to play out, will he just ignore you for a few years until it suits him, will he want access then keep letting the child down, will he financially help support the child, will he make life difficult getting passports or moving to a different area, or is he likely to be involved and be a fantastic dad? Just because you don't put him on the birth certificate, doesn't mean he can't fight for his legal rights, which is fine if he is going to be a good dad, or just make life difficult for you. Once you tell him, you can't go back. I'm not saying don't tell him, I'm just saying take a few months to think it through, you know him. Read through some of the threads on here and it can give you an idea of what you may be up against. Good luck.

I’ve been innypur situation. It’s many years later and I can honestly say I wish I never told him. He completely ruined my child’s life and she would of been a lot better of not knowing him. Once you’ve told him, there’s no going back. Think long and hard about it. It’s really hard when there’s no baby yet, to imagine all the problems it can create having that type of man around. But believe me, it’s not going to be good.

Also, hope you have lots of family support. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

I think you need to tell him.

It may be the kick up the bum he needs to sort himself out, it might not, but at least you've tried. You will want to be able to look your child in the eye when it's older and tell them you did allnyou could to facilitate their father being a part of their lives.

If he ten chooses not to, it's his fault not yours and your child will not be able to blame you for it.

I think he should be told. He needs to be given the opportunity to grow up. If he doesn’t, the OP can cut him out of her life and the baby’s if she wishes. But in 20 years’ time, if the grown up child goes looking for him, it’s hard to come back from “your mother never told me so how was I supposed to be a part of your life?”

There are plenty of 17 year olds who give up the drugs etc and sort themselves out. The OP can lay out her terms of involvement and he can choose to follow them or not.

That isn't just a baby you're carrying, it's a future adult. And they have a right to know where they come from.

As a person who knows nothing about an entire half of their family believe me it is shit. I honestly despair on here when I see women flippantly using sperm donors, it's so selfish taking that right away from a child and the adults they become.

If him and his family don't want to be involved then at least you can say you tried.

I find surprising lots say to tell him when he’s a druggy a real good example to any child I don’t think

If other people know he is the father - he'll soon find out.

If you've had a ping pong relationship for 3 years, he'll soon unblock you and you'll be back to square one.

The baby has a right to a father I'm afraid. Whether the father steps up is another matter.

I hate to cast aspersions but at 17 you aren't going to be financially self sufficient, and unlikely to be unless you have tremendous family support - so you are going to be reliant to a certain degree on welfare. He needs to be paying towards the upkeep of his child, not leve the burden to the taxpayer. IMHO (not a popular opinion, but hey!)

I think unless someone has been in the same situation it’s not as clear cut .
If he is generally a reprehensible human being then do you really want him in your life whether you like it or not for the next whoever many years ?
But then if you don’t tell him, would he find out one day that he has a child and cause untold trouble for you?
It’s a hard one . Maybe write a list of pros and cons of telling him / not telling him . May be clearer once written down

I found myself in this position, I decided not to tell the father of the baby but from a very early age I told my child and said we could contact him if he ever wanted to.

It’s not her job to provide a child to give him a reason to ‘sort himself out’. What if he doesn’t?

It’s his responsibility to sort himself out. OP doesn’t have to tell him, I agree the child should know, and possibly him at a later stage if he bucks himself up, but what purpose would it serve now? If OPis continuing the pregnancy then his child will exist anyway. He doesn’t have to be informed, only the child does and that’s years away.

Decide what you want to do first then tell him if you plan to continue the pregnancy. Though if people have been telling you to tell him, then i wonder who you have told and if it could get back to him anyway.

I think you need to concentrate on putting yourself first, your emotions will be all over the place right now. Only once you have decided what you are going to do, do you need to think about whether telling him is right. If you go ahead with the pregnancy, personally I think from a moral POV he should know.
Good luck to you

Of course you should tell him. Try to put yourself in his position, imagine finding out one day that you have a child but the father never told you. How would that make you feel. The fact that biology means you get to carry the child doesn't give you the right to decide on behalf of your child that it is in their best interest not to have a father.

From what you've said, we know that is is unreliable, have been in fight and do drugs. If we are talking fights leading to a prison cell and cocaïne or worse on a regular basis, I could understand your concerns, but stupid playgroumds fight and the occasional joint doesn't mean he is deemed to be a worthless father.

You’re both 17. Of course he’s immature. You probably are too. Because you’re 17, not because of massive flaw.

However, why are you having a baby with someone abusive and unkind who cheats on you?

He’ll be in your life forever if you have the baby. It’s your call obviously, but really think it through.

If your keeping the baby I would wait until after first scan then tell him.

Personally I would not tell him and I would have an abortion. You have all life ahead of you to find a good, non-addict man and have a child you both want. Where is the rush?

tinytreefrog "I think you need to tell him.

It may be the kick up the bum he needs to sort himself out, it might not, but at least you've tried."

and NotBadConsidering "I think he should be told. He needs to be given the opportunity to grow up."

It's not the OP's responsibility to provide her ex with a kick up the bum, make him grow up or set him straight.

It's her choice whether to tell or not. But she certainly doesn't need to be guilted into it.

"You will want to be able to look your child in the eye when it's older and tell them you did allnyou could to facilitate their father being a part of their lives."

Only if this is a safe option. This may not be a good choice or a safe option. I do think a child has a right to know who their father is but he may simply not be a good person to be in the child's life.

YolandaN "I found myself in this position, I decided not to tell the father of the baby but from a very early age I told my child and said we could contact him if he ever wanted to." May I ask how many years before you child asked/if ever?

I think it would be better for the baby if you don't tell him. That is what I am pretty much convinced is in the best interests of the child, given what you have described.

Italiangreyhound

I didn’t say it’s the OP’s responsibility to make him grow up. But I personally think it’s fair that he is given the choice as to whether he wants to grow up or not. If he takes it, great, if he doesn’t, then the OP knows where she stands. She doesn’t have to change him, make him grow up or sort him out. But I also think that based on the information provided in the OP, fighting and drugs at the age of 17 are common and don’t mark someone out as being a waste of space deadbeat dad for the rest of their lives.

Fighting, drugs and knowing you’ve got someone pregnant and not wanting anything to do with it does though. Only the OP can know if he has any redeeming qualities, how significant or serious these issues are but “ trouble with fighting and drugs” can range from a 17 year old smoking weed with his mates and getting into trouble at closing time on the weekend to dealing crack and knifing people on the streets. If she thinks he’s too high risk, then I agree, don’t tell him.

I wouldn’t tell him and I’d have an abortion.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t have a baby while you’re still a child yourself.