Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to share the cost

73 replies

Tobermory · 27/01/2019 22:11

I need some perspective.
So... back story. My sibling lives with her DH and child approx 300 miles away from me in the Uk. I’m her only family. We have no parents and just one ageing Aunt. We’re close, we’ve been through a lot. Ten years ago she moved in with me and DH while her life was difficult.

She has not travelled back to her home town (where I live ) for approx 3 years. Her DH Doesn’t like to travel or stay away from home (unless on holiday) so they don’t come here. Prior to her DC arriving she came here and stayed with me and my family for a couple of days over the Christmas break - did this for a couple of years but Her DH didn’t come.

So the only way I see her and her Dc is to travel there. We can’t stay in their home so have to stay in hotels. Their home has 3 bedrooms so in theory we could all squeeze in though it would be a squeeze. when family come here, my DC bunk in together or use blow up mattresses so people can stay- I guess I’m saying we put ourselves out. I find it hard to understand why the same can’t happen. Again it’s due to Her DH- people don’t stay.

We’ve not seen them for some months, I’m trying to organise a visit.

AIBU to ask her to share the cost of our stay? Hotel? Or train?

Normally I wouldn’t dream of asking when visiting someone but the cost to see them is always met by us. If I didn’t go there then we would never see each other.

OP posts:
cushioncuddle · 27/01/2019 22:15

That is such a difficult one.
In normal circumstances I'd say you shouldn't ask but this isn't.
Can you talk to her about the cost and the unfairness of the situation. But don't expect her to pay.
Also tread carefully as money often divides families.

Maelstrop · 27/01/2019 22:15

Yabu. If you want to go and see her, pay whatever money is needed, be it travel or accommodation. Can't you meet halfway for a family friendly day out?

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 27/01/2019 22:17

I don't think you can ask her to contribute for your travel and hotel. As annoying as it is that they won't travel to see you, I think your expenses are down to you and if you want to see her you'll have to fork out. Annoying though.

Is there anyway you and her could meet halfway? Spend some time together and have a night in a hotel? It seems like her dh doesn't want to socialise with you anyway.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2019 22:18

Yanbu to feel a bit put out at how one sided everything is, but I'm not sure how you raise it without causing an issue.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/01/2019 22:18

She is 300 miles away, meeting halfway is a big ask. I think I would have an honest chat with her about it and see where it gets you.

Original poster
Tobermory · 27/01/2019 22:19

@Maelstrop, it’s a good idea. But really I wanted us to spend some quality time together , to spend time with each other’s DCs. A day out is... it enough?
Also their DC doesn’t travel well in the car so I doubt very much they would agree to this.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 27/01/2019 22:20

Suggest meeting halfway - and tell her the hotel etc is just too much for you. See what she suggests.

Original poster
Tobermory · 27/01/2019 22:22

@booksaremyonlyfriends I think you’ve hit the nail on the head right there. I don’t think her DH wants to socialside with us.
But it shouldn’t be about that should it?
I don’t particularly want to socialise with my MIL but I do (and fairy regularly) because it’s important. It’s important the my DH see something his parents and it’s important that my DC spend time either only grandparents.

I find it hard to understand that her DH doesn’t have the same attitude

OP posts:
raindropsonkittens · 27/01/2019 22:24

I wouldn't go hardly making you feel welcome is it!

Miane · 27/01/2019 22:25

Why not suggest a holiday with your sister and her kids without husbands?

Clearly he doesn’t like to socialise but that shouldn’t get in the way of you seeing each other or your D.C. building a relationship.

If doesn’t need to be expensive or abroad. Camping/a caravan together by the seaside with all the kids could be great fun.

TheFatberg · 27/01/2019 22:26

Could you raise with her that you really want to see her but you're not sure you can afford the travel costs? What would she say to that?

Original poster
Tobermory · 27/01/2019 22:44

@raindropsonkittens how can I not go? I can’t not see her again. My DC need a relationship her.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 27/01/2019 23:42

Why can't she come and stay with the dc but no dh?

Sorry if I've missed that.

Original poster
Tobermory · 27/01/2019 23:49

They say that their DC does not travel well in the car and couldn’t handle the journey. I don’t know what I think about that. Both mine were doing trips to France in the car by the age of 2 but I know all chn aren’t the same.

I don’t think DH would be keen being apart from the DC, there is a justifiable reason for this for the first 18 months of DC life but it’s not valid anymore I don’t think.

OP posts:
ecuse · 27/01/2019 23:56

If her DH doesn't like staying away, why not suggest she comes to your for a weekend without her DH? He gets some P&Q of a weekend, and you get to hang out with your sister. I quite often visit my family without my DH to give him a break (he's a SAHD and I work FT)

Xmasbaby11 · 28/01/2019 00:01

That's really tricky. They aren't prepared to make much effort. I think I'd continue to go and stay near them maybe once a year and in between encourage your sister to come and visit on her own. I wouldn't ask for money towards your hotel stay but I'd be honest that you can only afford it occasionally and ask if she has alternative ideas.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/01/2019 00:03

My dd 7 would struggle in car for that long but she has ASD. we would power through with the help of DVDs to visit family though.

5foot5 · 28/01/2019 00:03

As others have said, invite your sister and the DC without her DH.

Are there grounds for being suspicious why he seems to want to separate her from her family

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/01/2019 00:08

I don’t think you should ask for her to share the cost of your visit. Tbh it sounds like they aren’t as keen to get together as you are, or at least not as often. Do you expect her DH and yours to amuse themselves while you and your sister catch up? Maybe

If her DH doesn’t want to visit, could she come to yours without him?

Cranky17 · 28/01/2019 00:10

Yes I thinks it’s ok to ask, I doubt her dh will let her pay any towards the cost.. still go though if she can’t help.

FWIW I often think this with ex mil, she never used to travel down to see us, we did all the travelling, brought her lunch, dinner. She never once offered to help pay the costs involved

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/01/2019 00:10

Sorry, posted too soon. Maybe the problem is you don’t gel as a foursome.

Kitsandkids · 28/01/2019 00:15

To be fair, if her child gets travel sick (if that’s what they mean by ‘doesn’t travel well’) then I can understand them not coming to you. 300 miles in a car with a child would take 6-7 hours with stops which is a long time with a vomiting child.

I don’t think you can ask them to pay for your visit. It’s your choice - if you want to see them you have to pay. But I do understand your annoyance.

zzzzz · 28/01/2019 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2019 00:47

I think you can say "We would love to see you - it's hard to afford the cost of the hotels every time, so would you like to come and stay with us next time? If not, I guess we will have to see each other less often, as it does get really expensive for us. That would make me sad, though - what do you think the solution is?"

I don't think you can say "Your DH is being mean, so you need to pay 50% of our hotel costs."

Why won't your sister travel on her own with the DC?

What about if you went without your DH, and therefore (in theory) could sleep in one room with your DC?

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 28/01/2019 00:50

I think if you got on well enough with her, id let her know we were desperate to see her but that it's a struggle financially every time you do it, particularly with the hotels, and would it be OK to give it a go squeezing all of you in like you do at Yours?